I can date my dread
of people laughing at the size of my head
from the Earls Court Motorcycle Show, 1975
here’s why:

I was thirteen
didn’t have a machine
but my eldest brother did
so I needed a lid
to go on the back
and anyway, I thought it’d be whack
if I walked around with a lid
so people would think I was hard and not just some kid

I went to the Lynx helmet stand
manned by a fierce, wildly bearded man
with a smile as welcoming as a bad case of trismus
a guy who dreamed big but knew it wasn’t this
Try one on he said
it wouldn’t remotely fit on my head
Hmm he said You need a bigger size
weighing me up with his whiskery eyes

he rummaged around then handed me another
but even though I struggled
the only way it would fit
was if I buttered my ears quite a bit
Hmm he said You need extra EXTRA large

I had a sudden urge
to run

but here he was handing me another one

He stared as I struggled to pull it down
I mean – it looked nice
he was selling them at a discount price
but it’d be like paying to put my head in a vice

the man gestured to the crowd
who’d gathered around
to see the spectacle
of the Helmet Clown at the motorcycle festival
That’s it said the man
I’ve done all I can
Your head is some kinda medical wonder
Have you considered trying a Kitchen Colander?