L? / what the HELL? / (Latin for fifty) thanks for the intel / but – sorry to disabuse ya / it might as well be L for loser / L for laborious word producer / L for lightweight literary manoeuvre / L for lame attempts at humour / hilarious as a doctor confirming the rumour by miming the word for metastasizing tumour / L for lairy media consumer / (it’s taken me YEARS to reach this letter / you’d think I’d have rhymes that suited it better)

so

anyway

I’m a bichon frise pulling a heist / I’m Briggs’ Snowman getting iced / I’m Wile E Coyote vs Jesus Christ / bulging head in an Acme vice / I’m a certified wreck in big fat glasses / no idea where his head or his arse is / thus qualifying for government passes / as the ikebana beast of a thousand vases / I’m a doll in a diner / a dozy climber / a comedy puppet on a white star liner / dancing while the stern rears higher / the Captain snoring on a bougie recliner / I’m fast approaching absolute zero / a feckless fake and surrogate hero / I’m Florence Pugh as Robert de Niro / I’m a Dignitas drive-by in a retail park / I’m Indy giving in and looking at the Ark / ending up like the Nazi crew / who melt pretty quick into fascist goo / cos God is love but what the fuck / if you mess around with His shit, good luck

I’m a perp with a harp, a snail with a halo / the writing equivalent of poetry drano / I’m a flaming text / an awkward flex / a nervous witch with a first-time hex / King Kong putting on giant specs / I’m monkeypox, zoonotic bats / the end of the world with falafel wraps / close to something, close to collapse / a narcoleptic addicted to naps / a politician nodding and saying perhaps / none of this working / all of it hurting / working the ropes on the L-themed curtain…

in summary, then:

I’m Cary Grant and the Fondant Fancies

I’m Paul Newman and the Sauce Captains

I’m Selena Gomez and the Fountains of Grace