(A classful of young aliens. The teacher asks one of them to stand up and read out their essay: ‘What I did in the holidays’)

I voted for beach
but mum wanted to teach
the satellites, moons n’ planets
so me n’Harvey
jumped in the Star V
and really I just couldn’t stand it

she set the computer
for Europa, Jupiter
‘cos she thought we might like to snowboard
but the place was deserted
ice geysers spurted
and honestly I was just SOO bored

so we shot off to Mars
which was TRULY bizarre
and we parked by a thermal vent
no LOLS or shocks
just a bunch of old rocks
Harvey said some kinda punishment

but his little face brightened
when mum mentioned Titan
‘cos he thought it sounded quite whack
it was ice and ammonia
mum got pneumonia
and the methane cakes were just GAK

so we landed on Earth
and for what it’s worth?
the place was quite bougie and sick
but the natives went crazy
with armies and navies
and we had to take off pretty quick

as we headed for home
I was straight on the phone
to my friends back on Gliese 581g
if your parents should flip
and mention a trip
say fine but go without me