an arrow to point the way

arrowOut with Lola for a dog walk this morning. I was thinking maybe I ought to find some new routes if I’m going to be writing more day-to-day stuff for this part of the blog. But then I thought how changeable things are. There’s always something new to see, different times of year, differences in the light, the people you meet, the way you feel in yourself. No two walks are ever the same. And then, to illustrate the point in a rather blunt kind of way: I found this arrow propped up against a tree…

Lola as Sam Spade (if you see what I mean)

lola looking sneakyLater on I met Mary. She stopped to make sure her black Labrador Charlie had a firm grip on his ball, because Lola has been known to nick it and then run around for ages celebrating / taunting. It was obvious to both of us –  and no doubt Charlie – that Lola was only pretending to be interested in something a little way ahead. Sure enough, as we stood talking, Lola slowly started to circle back, irresistibly drawn to the ball. She really can’t help herself.
‘All she needs is a trench coat and trilby hat,’ I said, thinking about detectives in pulp thrillers.
‘And a pipe,’ said Mary.
She put the slimy ball in her pocket.
I carried on walking.

A complete absence of bird

woodpecker tree

Out onto Broken Tree Hill. Saw a woodpecker on the dead pine there, but the zoom on the phone camera isn’t great, and when I tried to get closer the woodpecker had gone, flying in that funny, dipping way they have, a lazy-kind of blanket stitch along the edge of the field. So I didn’t manage to get a great wildlife shot of a woodpecker tapping around for bugs. You’ll just have to make-do with a shot of the tree, and trust it was ever there at all.

 

Andy says

I’m a big fan of my smartphone. They come in for plenty of stick, especially re.‘phone zombies’: people walking along staring into them without looking up phone zombieand falling into the sea &c, or sitting scrolling through lunch and not talking to anyone. All these things are true and a bit of a hazard. But there are so many other, positive aspects to them, beyond just the phoning, the googling and the satnav. For example, I love the note function, that lets you dictate things you’d otherwise forget. The camera’s good, too, and the voice recorder. And then there are the apps you can download. I’ve been using Headspace these past few months. It’s a meditation program, which you can tailor to your own needs. Things were getting stressful at work, and I needed something to help me feel more in control & calmer about things. Headspace has really done the trick (which sounds like a blatant bit of advertising, but it’s just a personal recommendation – honest!) I was thinking this morning that it could be seen as something of a cult. ‘Andy’ the charismatic voice guiding you through all these deep relaxation & visualisation techniques. I wonder if the government has approached him with a ton of money to hypnotise a good proportion of the population so that at one key word we all become Andy’s Army (free story idea, right there). Anyway – I thoroughly recommend the app (must serve Andy… must serve Andy….).

New poem:

Iguanodon_feeding
mantell piece

sig

 

p.s. Big thanks to Mark Spencer for recommending Irfanview as a handy photo re-sizer in place of the much-missed Picture Manager. (I downloaded via filehorse, but there are plenty of other place). So far, so good. It works a treat!

how timber breaks down

avatar_smSo the idea is, instead of having a static homepage, which maybe lacks a little colour, I’m going to put up a blog post for the day. It’ll have links to new pieces of writing in the voices and poems sections, but it’ll also be somewhere just to hang out and say stuff that’s too baggy & unfocused to make it as a more finished piece of writing.

Of course the danger is I won’t keep it up as a daily thing, and the date will hang there on the front page as a sombre indictment of my failure to produce – but hey, I’m going to do it anyway.  It’ll be worth it just to have a few more pictures on the site.

Whilst I’m on the subject of pictures – does anyone know some really simple, free software that’s good for sizing pics? I used to use Picture Manager, but it’s no longer available on Windows 10. I’ve got GIMP, which is amazing, but that’s for more involved stuff with layers &c (and takes longer to load). Any suggestions gratefully received.

So anyway.

Here’s a picture I took today:

curtainfungus

 

I looked it up in a book and I think it’s called Hairy Curtain Crust Fungus (you’ve GOT to love the names of these things). Listed as the fungus that you often see first when timber starts to break down.

 

splittree

 

I also took a picture of an ash tree that had split in a recent storm. I wish I’d been there to see & hear it :

 

 

 

Okay – as promised: a link to today’s new piece….

 

trailerb
Trailer B

 

It’s a poem, partly inspired by Trump’s new communications director, Anthony Scaramucci, and partly because this trailer looked a little sad, and I wanted to imagine a heroic role for it.

A huge thanks as ever for reading the blog. Please do drop me a comment, email – or maybe follow me on Twitter!

Jim

trailer b

WHERE THE HELL IS TRAILER B?
I’ve got the white house on the phone
the eagle has flown
& he’s not a happy bunny
so where do you think that leaves you, einstein jr?
whistling bieber in the goon shop
dabbing a lollipop up your ass
while a tornado screws up the joint
that’s where, mister
so if you wouldn’t mind
GO OUT AND GET ME TRAILER B

well where the F major did you leave it?
okay, so I politely request that you find it
the head horror of who-gives-a-shit
just sent me a valentine made of bricks
yeah?
he says he’s sending the monkey brigade
they’re gonna line up outside, two by two
kick my hairy butt and put it on youtube
so if it’s not too much trouble
would ya get yourself on that bike with the basket on the front
or whatever the hell it is you drive these days
AND BRING ME TRAILER B

am I the only living brain in this god forsaken
kindergarten with any idea of anything?
am I the only nubhead who ever read a book?
how’ve you made it this far?
what d’you brush your teeth with every morning? mooch paste?
wha d’ya put on your cornflakes? semi-stiffed milk?
cheesus h starfish I don’t care who you know or who you don’t know
I know what you should know, okay?
you should know where the GOOD GODDAMN TRAILER B IS
so do it. do it now. do that thing.

the prince of hubcaps just sent me a note
email? hell, no. this was nailed to the forehead of the former ambassador
a warning, if you will
look – am I the only schlub with a window?
wha d’ya think those birds are doing
hitchcocking-up the playground like that?
why’’d ya think it’s gone so quiet?
watch the news once in a while, goldilocks
the cartels are stocking up on duck tape
and believe me, it ain’t for no ducks

trailer b

pool party

I’m off to France tomorrow
an engagement party
my niece is getting married
no, the other one
we’re all invited to a villa
she’s hired, somewhere down south
i know, sounds heavenly
but you know what?
i’m dreading it
a pool party, for fuck’s sake
what am I going to do?
it’s all right for them
all her leggy friends
striding around
skinny and fabulous
sunglasses on their heads
and their hair like OMG
they’ve got abs, some of them, six packs
and I don’t mean lager
me? my tummy’s as saggy
as an old cushion
the cat ripped up
nails? the last time
I had my nails done
I looked like I had a circulatory disorder
bikini? I’ll have to wear a kaftan
a fucking bathing machine
would show too much

pool party
god! what the hell am I going to do?

what things are

i was going to tweet
a picture of an old tree
the front looked normal
but the back was hollowed out
(does a tree even have a front and a back?)
blackened with fire, anyway
lightning, maybe?
dramatic, whatever
i took the shot

i thought it might be a lime tree
but i wasn’t sure
and i wanted to get it right
so i was standing there
looking it up on an app
i’d downloaded the day before
from the woodland trust
when a guy i see sometimes
came by with his little black dog
(labradoodle?)

anyway, i thought i should
explain to him
what I was doing
just standing there like that

absolutely, he said
you pass these things every day
you see them all the time and you never know
i have a friend
point to anything and he’ll tell you
me? i haven’t a clue
yesterday I saw a huge bird
tearing something to pieces on a roundabout
i thought it was an eagle
but do we even get eagles round here? lime tree
not sure
anyway – good luck! he said
and carried on
his dog bundling after him

i went back to the app
working through the algorithm
leaf shape, colour, seed type, bark

lime

 

detour

Sometimes a detour is what you really need. Almost always, come to think of it.

The day hadn’t started well. I’d checked my email over breakfast and found a reply from the last literary agent I’d contacted. A succinct but polite rejection of my manuscript: Thanks for the submission, but I’m afraid it’s not for us. I’d had rejections before, of course. Not enough to paper the walls of the room, but enough to decorate a modestly-sized writer’s coffin. And though I’d trained myself to withstand the sting of it all, inoculating myself with peppy articles describing how rejection is as much a part of the writer’s life as the writing itself; how every rejection is an opportunity to learn what could be done better; listing all the famous writers who’d been turned down, how casually, brutally, indifferently, comically; how you can tell a real writer more by the scars they bear, the piles of rejection slips as much as the piles of scripts. Articles that said ‘Get back on the horse. Re-submit. Be working on new things.’ And above all, write, write, write. Because that is what a writer does. You’re only a failed writer if you quit.

I thought a brisk dog-walk would help. I took Lola over the woods.

As I followed the usual paths and track ways, the idea took hold that this latest rejection might be a terminal sign I just wasn’t getting. I was like a sailor in a leaky bucket, grimly clutching the tiller, head down, hood up, doggedly following the wrong star, refusing to believe that the sounds of cataracts up ahead were actually the end of the world, even as I tipped down over it (this being typical of the ludicrously apocalyptic thinking I fall into in the hours after a rejection). What I mean to say is, more rationally and sensibly, is that maybe ‘learning from your mistakes’ can and sometimes should extend to ‘knowing when it’s a good idea to change course’.

I’d already devoted almost ten years to writing. Deliberately subordinating any sense of a career or progression at work to learning how to do it, and most importantly, to finishing a book. I’d had some success. When I was an EMT in the ambulance service I’d written a blog of my experiences, and over time I’d picked up quite a few followers. A book – of sorts – had come out of that. And then whilst I carried on with the blog I’d written other things. A time-travelling ghost story. A thriller about a cult. A fantasy book about a boy with a mysterious affinity for whales. I hadn’t found a publisher for any of them, but it didn’t matter. I’d self-published, been happy with the result, carried on writing. And then came this next book. The Fabulous Fears. An epic story of love and loss, starting in the Hungarian Revolution of ’56, and ending on a canal boat in London. I put everything into it. I re-wrote it seven times. I cut far more than I kept. I shaped it ruthlessly to explore as simply as I could the relationships between the main characters, not telling but showing, leaving the reader to make up their own minds. And when it was done I could actually see it in print. A paperback of average size, with a dramatic and colourful cover – ropes, handcuffs, escapology equipment, canal boat art, soldiers smoking in the foreground. I’m always hopeful when I send submissions off, but this was a different species of optimism, brighter, harder edged, one that might really happen.

They say, semi-helpfully, that the last rejection is as tough as the first. But I think it’s probably tougher, because Time starts to stack up the other side, and you start to worry that you’ll run out of road.

This was the tenor of my thoughts when I took Lola over the woods. She sensed my negativity. She picked a fight with the most perfect Labrador you’re ever likely to see this side of a Dog Calendar. I apologised, put Lola back on the lead, and we headed for home.

And it was then that I met Jack.

Jack is one of those people who are naturally positive, in the same way that some people are tall or short, or good with figures. Even though in his long life he’d suffered more than his fair share of tragedy, still he’d always found a way to pick himself up. He had two rescue whippets, Stella and Pippin, and there was something about their expression – level brown eyes, slightly sad mouth – that reminded me of him.

Jack knew about my writing. After a while I came round to telling him about the latest rejection, and how badly it had thrown me.
‘I’ve got a story about that,’ he said, just as we reached a fork in the path. ‘At least, I think it’s about that. Anyway – it takes some telling, and I know you normally go the other way from here. It’d be a bit of a detour.’
‘I don’t care,’ I told him. ‘I’d like to hear it.’
‘Okay then.’
Stella and Pippin both stared up at me sadly.
Lola fell in beside them as we all carried on.

Jack is retired now. He’d been an engineer, designer, entrepreneur. These days he divides his time between family, dogs and then helping out as a conservation volunteer for the woods I’d just walked through, maintaining the bridges and the paths, coppicing, cutting back, keeping things in order. It wasn’t surprising. Jack’s the kind of man who takes care of things.

‘It’ll be okay,’ he said. ‘Everyone gets knocked back once in a while. Sometimes it’s worse than others. I remember this one time – I was properly down and out, on the ropes and the rest of it. Almost bankrupt, actually. I’d spent the last two years developing this software for ships, a new way of managing dangerous cargoes. It was a good product. I knew it was. At least, I started off that way. But then I’d spent so long on it, making it the best I could, in the end I wasn’t sure. And what made it worse was the fact no-one was biting. I was constantly writing to the big players, faxing them, calling them up. I wasn’t getting anywhere and I couldn’t understand it. It was quite a setback. I didn’t know what else to do. But then, this one particular day, I got a fax from one of the biggest shipping companies in the business. They wanted me to come in to see them, to discuss things further. I can’t tell you how excited I was. I mean, I hardly had the money for the fare, but I caught the next train up to London, in the one good suit I had left to me. So I went in to this meeting, and I sat down with the manager, wondering where everyone else was. And he said to me: Jack. I’ve called you in to ask you to stop pestering us. I said What do you mean? And he said I admire your persistence, so I wanted to tell you face to face. The fact is, we don’t need your product. We’re perfectly able to take care of our cargoes, thank you very much, but  – please – if you wouldn’t mind – never, ever contact us again. So I stood up, shook his hand, and came all the way home again.’
‘That’s terrible!’
‘It was a blow, that’s for sure.’
‘So then what happened? How did you keep going?’
‘The next three months were tricky. But then one of their ships upped and sank. A whole load of toxic chemicals were lost overboard, stuff they couldn’t account for. The entire management was sacked, and the new lot called me up, and they said Jack. About that software…’

swifts!

Getting out of the car, I stop to look up.
Swifts! Swooping and screaming round the high buildings of the old hospital.

It’s incredible to think how far these birds have come, thousands and thousand of miles, up from Central and Southern Africa to spend just a few months of the summer here before flying back. I read about them the other day. Apparently they only land to breed, making nests from any material they can snatch from the air, gluing them together with saliva high up in the eaves of old buildings, where they can drop straight back into flight from the entrance. Their whole lives are lived on the wing, eating, drinking, mating. When they need to sleep, they rise ten thousand feet or more, and close their eyes, riding the isobars so expertly that when they open their eyes again, they’re pretty much in the same spot.

I watch them for a while, then lock the car and head inside.

With creatures like these flying above us – well, it feels wonderful! A benediction!

the gabby gene

Violet doesn’t say hello when she answers the door so much as seamlessly include me in the conversation she’s been having with everyone, and herself, these past few years. It’s how I imagine being subsumed by an extra-terrestrial blob in one of those fifties’ sci-fi films. (A theramin plays in the background; you open the door; you throw your hands back helplessly as a formless blobby mass rolls over you and wobbles on, leaving nothing in its wake but a bag, a diary and a shoe).

I imagine Violet was always chatty. It’s a gene some people have, like being able to roll your tongue. My brother Mick, for example. He’s never stuck for something to say. For example, if you were to ask me how I got here, I’d probably say something dour like ‘I drove down; it was okay’; Mick, on the other hand, Mick would tell you everything, every last detail, from the confusing new road layout at the top of his road to the number of hawks he spotted and what happened when he ordered coffee at the service station. It’s like someone playing the didgeridoo; he practices circular breathing to maintain a continuous note.

You have to pick your time as well as your question when you talk to Mick. And aways know your exits.

Come to think of it, perhaps it’s not being born with a gabby gene so much as being born without the gene that lets you know your conversational partner is only pretending to get a text saying they have to go home immediately.

In Violet’s case, though, no doubt her natural chattiness is exacerbated by stress. It’s how she’s coping with life, now that her husband Ronnie has suffered a number of debilitating strokes, needs constant attention, hoisting from bed to commode to sofa and back again, with a small army of carers and nurses and other health care professionals trooping through the flat all hours of the day and night. It’s painful to see the contrast between them, how busy with everything she is, with appointments and supplies and deliveries and relatives and diagnoses and medications and the weather today and the news this morning and the fact the plumber didn’t show and where she’s going to have her hair done – whilst Ronnie sits on the sofa, in his wearable sling and pad, only able to clear his throat in an approximate way when I sit down next to him, give his hand a squeeze, and ask him how he is.

mr stabby

The worst blocks have the loveliest names.

Carnelion House. By rights it should be bold, angular, cut from a solid block of plastic. Not a few, desultory storeys thrown like a bad cap over a huddle of failing shops.

You’d never know it was there. Even the SatNav’s embarrassed, blindly and hurriedly planting its red-button flag somewhere in the general area. The name of the block had fallen away years ago, so even if you parked exactly at that spot, and looked around, you’d never see it. And if you asked someone walking by in the street, no doubt they’d say: ‘Nah mate. Never heard of it. Unless they lived there. In which case they’d say: ‘Who wants to know?’

I only know Carnelion House because I went there once on an ambulance call. It was one of those addresses we tended to know, an ambulance lore of warning, passed from person to person in the way that a knowledge of obscure and dangerous reefs are communicated naturally between sailors. We used to have a lot of calls to Carnelion House, domestic abuse, assaults, overdoses and so on. The last time I was there the patient who’d taken too much heroin threatened us with his needle. I can picture him now, slumped on the edge of the bed, a line of drool shining from his bottom lip as he gripped the needle in his fist, point-down, like a dagger.
‘You come near me an’ I’ll stab yer in the fuckin’ EYE’ he said.
He obviously wasn’t quite as unconscious as reported, so we let the police go ahead of us with their vests and gloves and no-nonsense demeanour.

‘Wow! I’m impressed you knew where to go!’ says Connie, as I park up and lead us both to the discrete front door.
‘I’ve been here before.’
‘In the ambulance?’
‘In my dreams.’
I buzz the buzzer.

It turns out to be the same flat as Mr Stabby. I recognise his flat mate, Paco, an extraordinary guy holding himself painfully, in a semi-crouch. With his haunted eyes and his long greasy hair partially obscuring his face, he reminds me of that drawing of Nebuchadnezzar by Blake.
‘Hello,’ he says, gruffly, then letting go of the door, lurches precariously back towards the bedroom.

It may only have been two or three years, but things have headed south at a pace. These days Paco barely makes it out of bed. He has a bucket by his side for toileting. Someone on the same landing brings him food now and again. Maybe pays his TV licence, rates and so on, I don’t know. He’s been deemed to have capacity to make decisions for himself, so any attempt to engage by various services have met with little or no success. It’s only a recent ambulance call that’s brought him back into focus. And it feels as if maybe things have changed enough to convince him to accept help.

‘I’m sorry it’s such a mess,’ he says, collapsing back on the bed, the same bed Mr Stabby was sitting on when he made his vow to me. ‘But you see, my carer died.’

the old barn by the sea

the picture I liked best?

a watercolour

in a wormy wooden frame

an old barn by the sea

with a path drawing you down

through a field of poppies.

‘By a cousin of mine’ she said

‘Used to be a set designer. For the opera.

Long gone now, of course.’

I lean in to read

the signature in the corner

pressed with the end of the brush

when the barn was done

and the clouds were lit

and the field was singing with red

‘I’ve got another one of his somewhere,’ she said

‘but not in a frame, I’m afraid.’