poems

an interview with polyphemus

~ jim clayton ~ Leave a comment

(To be read in the voice of Tony Soprano…)

Odysseus?
Zeus – you serious?
It just goes to show it takes a monster to know one
that little piece of shit said his name was No One
he poked out my goddamn eye
one night
when I got a little tight
and then when my friends came and asked who did it
made me look like a goddamn idiot
and all ‘cos I ate his dumb ass crew
which I admit was a pretty shitty thing to do
but c’mon – a little perspective here please
who hasn’t eaten shit when they got the munchies?

one more question
and then that’s it – end of session

sheesh – the same old stuff
enough’s enough
don’t you people ever talk to each other?
do we got to say this shit over and over?
according to the books
we cyclops got our singular looks
by trading one eye to see the future
and you gotta have a sense of humour
‘cos all we saw was the date of our death
which as trade-offs go is one gold star meh

pilot season

~ jim clayton ~ Leave a comment

Criminal Inactivity
The lazy extremes crime bosses go to 
when they really don’t want to 
whack this person or that
From Al Capone to Hattie the Hat
How a good cigar and a lie down
is preferable to a shoot-out or a showdown. 
(Viewer discretion advised in this;
extended scenes of idleness.)

Mount Olympus, NYC
The shuttle gets lost in some cumulo-nimbus
ploughs cone first into Mount Olympus
so the Greek Gods have to relocate for a bit
while NASA rebuilds all the temples and shit
After a great deal of fruitless rental looking
wind up in a brownstone in Bay Ridge, Brooklyn
Work jobs to see how the humans do it
(but need a lot of magic to help them through it)

Tractorman
A farmer gets bitten by a radioactive sheep
so every time he falls asleep
he turns into a Model 8850 John Deere tractor
(which might be a problem for your average actor)

Zoo Story

~ jim clayton ~ Leave a comment

My mother-in-law knew
a primatologist at the city Zoo
Agnes, a long-time friend who
had a long-term argument
with a professor from a rival department
appropo
orangutan vs bonobo

Agnes looked after an orangutan
she said was smarter than
any woman or man
you could mention
in fact, it was her contention
evidentially
the orangutan was a genius, potentially

Her rival’s proposition?
with the authorities’ permission
a competition
between the two
an IQ test at Agnes’ zoo
finally settling
all the nonsense Agnes was peddling

They set up a test in the compound
a scattering of boxes on the ground
and hanging down
from the bars
a hand of bananas
bonobo
was the first of the two to go

The professor stood there with his clipboard and timer
the bonobo wanted to climb up there
so he started piling the boxes higher
and in fifteen minutes
had the bananas in his digits
You see!
said the professor: ‘Superiority!’

The boxes were put back around the place
the bananas replaced
the professor stood waiting with a smile on his face
the orangutan strolled in
glanced at him
at a box
considering the banana paradox

The orangutan pointed straight at the professor
waggled his finger to invite him closer
climbed him like a human ladder
widened his eyes
grabbed the prize
Twenty seconds!
clapped Agnes – any questions?

Well – there’s one I’d liked to have asked
if so many long, slow years hadn’t passed
and the orangutan finally pointed his last
I don’t understand
why you didn’t take his clever, leathery hand
and lead him
To the edge of a jungle in Borneo, and free him

lockdown blues

~ jim clayton ~ Leave a comment

I’m tired of going nowhere
me and these no good shoes
tired of complaining
quietly misbehaving
nowhere and nothing to do

I’ve got those old time, low down, no good lockdown blues

I served my time on Netflix
boxsets on Amazon too
I’m just a media slave
two remotes from the grave
nothing better to do

I’ve got those small town, long time, no hope lockdown blues
and if a vaccine won’t save us Lord only knows what we’ll do

nafforism

~ jim clayton ~ Leave a comment

You can lead a fish to water
but you really oughta
use an approved container
(a transportational no-brainer)
because unless your fish is well submersed
expect the worst

Fish have gills under the operculum
(I googled ‘em)

All this is VERY different to a horse
of course
a horse has lungs
and take their oxygen pretty much as it comes

Whatever

How did you get this number?

Hamlet junior

~ jim clayton ~ 2 Comments

Dad came to visit me last night
– Alright?
he said
hovering awkwardly over the bed
well… given he’d been dead for years
then suddenly appears
like this
I couldn’t immediately say yes

– Harken to my warning!
I yawned
:: Wha’d’ya mean harken? I said
plumping the pillows behind my head
(because I got the impression
this ghostly session
might go on a bit
and I wanted to be more comfortable for it)

I have to say he looked amazing
Fading
in and out
throwing his glowing arms about
brown eyes burning
bald head turning
a full three sixty

:: Hey! That’s pretty tricksy
– Sorry. We’re obliged to do this shit
For a bit
he said
sinking sadly to the bottom of the bed
– Technically it’s called ‘haunting’
code for all the bullshit flaunting
you have to do to keep in trim
Anyway – nice to see you, Jim

:: Nice to see you
too
I said
:: But I wish you were alive instead
– Christ! You’re not the only one!
I can’t tell you how stupid all this is, son
You’re suddenly weirdly obsessed with mirrors
and hanging about on the banks of rivers

:: So…no change there, then, since you died?
I replied
– What’d’ya mean?
:: Well – you’ve always been
a bit obsessed with your looks
and you had quite a collection of fishing hooks
I dunno – maybe you’re just tied
to all the things you did before you died

– Listen! I’m the one to harken to
not you.
:: Sorry. All ears, I said
sitting more upright in bed
doing my best to concentrate
I was tired, it was late
and even though this should be exciting
eight hours straight was more inviting

– Forgive me, my son
he went on
– Ever since they pulled the plug in hospital
I’ve become quite forgetful
I mean – it takes me all year
just to comb my hair
:: What hair?
There’s nothing there!

– See what I mean? he said
swiping his head
his ghastly hand passing straight through it
– A simple thing like that and I just can’t do it
They say RIP
but look at me
I look like I’ve just been dug up
:: Sorry to bring the subject up

– But soft! Methinks I scent the morning air
he glared
suddenly flapping his arms like a bird
not so much scary as completely absurd
:: What’s with all this bullshit lingo?
What are we playing? Hamlet bingo?
Can’t you just give me the whole thing straight?
I get up early and it’s really late

– Adieu, adieu, adieu! Remember me!
Jim…mmeeee!
My hour is almost come…!
:: You’re not the only one
Didn’t you have some kind of warning?
Or have you run out of time now it’s morning?
My father just glared and shook his head
and disappeared from the end of the bed

:: Rest, rest, perturbèd spirit
Thanks for the visit
I mean – I thought you might have a bit more to say
Given how long you’ve been away
But aside from all the haunting and such
I suppose we never did talk that much
Who needs a ghost, come from the grave
To tell us how better we could’ve behaved?

plasticine man

~ jim clayton ~ Leave a comment

it was only when I read a magazine
I realised I was made of plasticine
it was a shock at first
all my notions
of human emotions
and self-determination reversed
my bubble well and truly burst
I felt cursed

so I sat with the idea a minute
looked at all the aspects to it
I realised it explained a lot
I was easily led
my hands and my head
stayed in one spot
moved in sequences shot by shot
independent I was not

but every cloud has a silver lining
it’s really not so life defining
if you don’t let it
the stability’s great
someone else to animate
big hands come in to set it
real life? forget it
I don’t regret it