L? / what the HELL? / (Latin for fifty) thanks for the intel / but – sorry to disabuse ya / it might as well be L for loser / L for laborious word producer / L for lightweight literary manoeuvre / L for lame attempts at humour / hilarious as a doctor confirming the rumour by miming the word for metastasizing tumour / L for lairy media consumer / (it’s taken me YEARS to reach this letter / you’d think I’d have rhymes that suited it better)

so

anyway

I’m a bichon frise pulling a heist / I’m Briggs’ Snowman getting iced / I’m Wile E Coyote vs Jesus Christ / bulging head in an Acme vice / I’m a certified wreck in big fat glasses / no idea where his head or his arse is / thus qualifying for government passes / as the ikebana beast of a thousand vases / I’m a doll in a diner / a dozy climber / a comedy puppet on a white star liner / dancing while the stern rears higher / the Captain snoring on a bougie recliner / I’m fast approaching absolute zero / a feckless fake and surrogate hero / I’m Florence Pugh as Robert de Niro / I’m a Dignitas drive-by in a retail park / I’m Indy giving in and looking at the Ark / ending up like the Nazi crew / who melt pretty quick into fascist goo / cos God is love but what the fuck / if you mess around with His shit, good luck

I’m a perp with a harp, a snail with a halo / the writing equivalent of poetry drano / I’m a flaming text / an awkward flex / a nervous witch with a first-time hex / King Kong putting on giant specs / I’m monkeypox, zoonotic bats / the end of the world with falafel wraps / close to something, close to collapse / a narcoleptic addicted to naps / a politician nodding and saying perhaps / none of this working / all of it hurting / working the ropes on the L-themed curtain…

in summary, then:

I’m Cary Grant and the Fondant Fancies

I’m Paul Newman and the Sauce Captains

I’m Selena Gomez and the Fountains of Grace

Isiah: And the wolf and the lamb shall feed together / the wolf won’t enjoy it whatsoever / while the lamb she owns her shit she’s clever / reads the runes, reads the weather / sees the set-up / doesn’t get het-up / the wolf goes home and trolls no let-up / but the lamb’s in control / posts a poll / glory hallelujah or glory hole / all goes to plan / the wolf cops a ban / while she makes a killing on OnlyLambs

Braverman, Braverman / abracadaver fan / out of the crypt to creep up the ladder man / warm as a body bag, sharp as a cramp / aura of chloroform, top note of damp / shoes of a psycho, suits of a vamp / humanity cavity / lightweight no gravity / viciousness vented / deeply demented / id not hid but ego dented / rancid ambassador / poisonous parameters / medusa’s a loser snakes are for amateurs / waving her flag, raging at boats / would transport her mother for ten more votes

So…erm…whatever you’re thinking there’s a law against it / I’m sorry but they sold it off and fenced it / marches charged and rules upended / courts defriended / giving it all the government’s got / a cross between Clarkson and Oakenshott / dive down the ranking / country’s tanking / you’re only safe if you work in banking / lighting cigars with a bill of rights / doesn’t the army look beautiful tonight?

Dream sequence: May I? says Jesus, my A.I. butler / a cross between He-Man and Ivor Cutler / ever-present, hyper-aware / says rude things but I don’t care / blushing at his language, laughing at his gripes / as he fucks me breathless with chromium pipes / cleaning me up with hygienic wipes / a floozy in the jacuzzi / a diamond doozy / occasionally crazy but I’m not choosy

M’lud – I hardly think the jury needs reminding / not a word of this rap is legally binding