I wanted statement glasses
not ones that just differentiate
where my head and my ass is
something truly great
she didn’t blink
what about these James?
she said – whaddya think?
holding out frames
as heavy and square as a brick
thick black and crazy
the kind you’d see in a flick
by Martin Scorsese
they’re funny, specksy
she said – I adore ya
you look like Joe Pesci
is that statement enough for ya?
thank you for your call
we apologise for the delay
in answering your query
our customer service representatives know you are waiting
we are currently experiencing a high number of enquiries
and it may be better
to call back
when things have straightened out a little
and when THAT may be
is beyond our ken
is that an expression?
beyond our ken?
no idea where that came from
Barbie?
Highlander?
anyway
we do apologise for the delay
but it’s been like this a while
we’d hire more staff
but it’s not as simple as that
listen
sometimes it takes more than a phone call
sometimes you have to find strange new powers
throw a rope made of stars
round the neck
of the beast
that stalks you
and drag it home
know what I mean?
meanwhile
there’s no one here
no one
NOT A ONE
excluding that house spider
squatting by the skirting
with hairy intent
I’m not kidding
legs all over the place
like a footballer
a lunatic
eyebrows even
bristling with attitude
you and they
my friend
the only sentient creatures
listening to this message
and
psst
wanna know something?
the spider ain’t bothered
at the 11th hour of the 11th day of the 11th month I was patiently queuing to pay for my lunch fresh pasta, sauce, broccoli spears waiting in line at one of the cashiers (there were just too many discouraging scenes spilling around the self service machines) when a voice said : ‘join us in a moment of remembrance’ and before she’d even finished the sentence the lights started fading, the place fell quiet and apart from coughing everyone was silent I stared at the point of sale display opposite me at the checkout today ibuprofen, lip salve and handy wipes for coping with cold related gripes and I thought of a sappy line, as it goes: we’re lucky it’s salve not salvos then the lights flickered on, the noise came back and my bougie lunch trundled off down the track and I felt a bit cowed – The Somme, The Blitz all that suffering and dying FOR THIS?
this gig’s crummy / god I miss mummy / they treat me like a ventriloquist’s dummy / with the jewels and the wraps / the ears and the hats / please believe me I never wanted that / but you can’t beat fate so here I’m sat / reading out rubbish like a feckless twat / if diamonds are forever then so’s my shame / can’t they hire another heir to play their dreadful game?
you scratch my back I’ll scratch Sunak
keep the car running – I’ll see you out back
the planet’s burning but what do we care
so long as there’s a profit in the company share
my government tells me I mustn’t be glum / sitting like a rector with a sceptre up his bum / but I’m a monarch on a mission / safeguarding tradition / trying my best to keep a regal disposition / Jesus Christ but I need a painkiller / psst – have you a stash in your sash, Camilla? / no? bloody hell! / you’re as useless as Suella / and if she drags her haggish face this way you watch me tell her / I’m going to crown that Sunak the moment I meet him / where’s Guy Fawkes when you really need him?
you scratch my back I’ll scratch Sunak
keep the car running – I’ll see you out back
the planet’s burning but what do we care
so long as there’s a profit in the company share
I mean what’s the point of this ludicrous farce? / the Tories are finished and out on their arse / the country too, now you mention it / everything collapsing, the seas full of shit / whatever happened to looking after it? / this throne of kings, this sceptred isle? / I’ll tell you what – it’s a steaming great pile / Shakespeare would’ve had a conniptious fit / if he’d lived to see what they did with it / my dear old ancestor James the first / he’d have known a useful curse / to throw on this government and all its works / fifty years I sweated my bollocks off / on environmental causes these chimps have no concept of / now it’s just about sneaking shit past / profits first and country last / for tuppence ha’penny I’d chuck it in and quit / but no – I have to go and put my royal seal on it
you scratch my back I’ll scratch Sunak
keep the car running – I’ll see you out back
the planet’s burning but what do we care
so long as there’s a profit in the company share
hi
I’m Jim
or James
depending what names
you’re comfortable using
which I admit is confusing
so a number’s fine
officially mine’s
number five
the fifth to arrive
in a succession
of seven
which I’m guessing
begs the question
why the obsession
with so many kids?
especially living in the house we did
the usual
two-up, two-down kinda shoe
like that old woman who lived in one and had so many kids she didn’t know what to do
(I know that line really doesn’t fit
but it’s quite ironic when you think of it)
life growing up was crazy
dinners were straight out of Martin Scorsese
dad was moody, sullen, hairless
mum used to say they weren’t catholic just careless
(with sincere apologies to the Sherman bros.)
aaoooowh….
Supersmellystinkystanleyexpelwhiffatrocious
Even just the sound of him is something quite ferocious
If he lets off next to you you’ll have a bad thrombosis
Supersmellystinkystanleyexpelwhiffatrocious
bum did a little whistle bum did a sigh
bum did a little whistle bum did a sigh
One day I heard a funny squeak when I was on the rug
I gave my nose a little tweak to guard it from the fug
But then it hit me properly and nature did the rest
And as they laid my body out these fateful words I said…
aaoooowh….
(repeat ad nauseam….)
Stanley
lies grandly
on the sofa
his paws spilling over
hauteur supernova
only lacking a chauffeur
to hurry and go for
the bentley
the appropriate car for a
lurcher like this
evidently
vote for me! vote for me!
clearly the best as you can see!
friends in high places
bungs with no traces
our sleeves
concealing
plenty of aces
verbal athletics
Eton genetics
on nodding terms with issues of ethics
vote for me! vote for me!
the choice of the finest quality!
our images glow
from top hat to toes
the press
are the best
at these things I suppose
just trust in your betters
to take the right measures
our names are framed with gilded letters
vote for me! vote for me!
the winning bet unequivocally!
we’ve such pizazz
and all that jazz
we’re rakes
on the take
wrapped up in a flag
we’ll keep you amused
till you feel confused
and we give the country a big blue bruise
vote for me! vote for me!
rosy futures guaranteed!
we’ll lose you in mazes
of parroted phrases
so slick
you’ll be sick
of the questions it raises
till you make it all stop
at the next vox pop
with a pen, a cross and a ballot box
jim clayton 