my hanna-barberial

was TV
important to me?
you bet
that’s why I’ll be buried
in an old TV set
circa 1973
and the priest administering the last TV Times to me
will be
Shaggy
from Scooby Doo
who’ll
gulp and point
slam the TV tie-in book and say ZOINKS!
then manically skedaddle
down the middle of the chapel
chased by a glowing sexton prowling
outside the batty church, growling
but who ultimately slips up
when he straightaway gets tripped up
by Daphne & Velma
sobbing beneath a big umbrella
which they use to hook ‘em
and when the cops put the cuffs on to book ‘em
the sexton cynically curls his lips
says he would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for them kids
and Scooby gets a Scooby snack
and the ceremony picks up pretty soon after that
led by Hong Kong Phooey and Spot the cat
through a cemetery of leaning screens
under a flyby of Wacky Races machines
as Top Cat
slowly takes off his hat
and Benny the Ball bawls
and The Brain and Office Dibble
stifle their sniffles

but everyone cheers when they hear a shout
Spot bangs the TV and I jump out

a vauxhall state of mind

I’m sorry but THERE IS NO GOD
and you’d have to say
if there WAS, day to day
they’re doing a pretty terrible job

war, famine, cruelty, fennel
disease, deception
the film inception
having to put your dog in the kennel

why? why go to all that trouble
making sadness and suffering
bad teeth and buffering
from an eternity of inert but happy rubble?

just to have people who’ll tremble & praise them?
legions of clerics, holymen, priests
shamans in hats and fancy briefs
all terrified you won’t save them?

jeez. it’s like some kind of celestial baby
playing with armies
tornadoes, tsunamis
just ‘cos they’re bored and going crazy

there’s no such thing as an atheist in a fox hole
you say, looking smug
is that a fact? (smile / sigh / shrug)
well apparently not if you were born in Vauxhall

the final snack

poor Robert Shaw
getting fatally gnawed
on that boat
when he’d done his best
to keep it afloat
tagging the shark
with barrels and rope
but ending up sneaker deep in its throat
saying aaargh and geeennnneeesh
through bloody gritted teeth
as Carcharodon carcharias
chowed down on his sorry ass
succumbing to the bite
of the big great white
despite
all his fight
Quint couldn’t quite
grapple this
the last shark snack from the Indianapolis

patches

Robin Williams had some great one liners
he said politicians should wear sponsor jackets like Nascar drivers
so we know who owns them
absolutely! it would totally expose them
so we could quickly see the people who’ll phone them
to twitch their puppet strings and loan them
hefty amounts of moolah and scratch
the bigger the sponsor the bigger the patch

he’s TOTALLY right
and I wish he was here on stage tonight
to riff on the tragic depth of their lies
acting the part in suits and ties
but underneath their slick disguise
hiding the WhatsApp group replies
the champagne dinners behind oak doors
gentlemen’s clubs with parquet floors
fat cigars and thick guffaws
about the new and complex laws
they’ll sneakily draft and bring to pass
to maximise yield but cover their arse
and awkward reforms put out to grass

THEN we’d see who wields the pen
in the cabinet rooms at Number Ten

the maltese octopus

he was the kind of grifting, streetwise lurcher
if you ran him downtown to a cash converter
you might just score a coupla bucks
if you liked your mongrels bargain deluxe

a rough haired dog who knew you knew it
hair so wild you’d think he blew it
off-white, singed, like a throw of burned coconut
teeth all messy and badly broken up
dotted around his mouth like rubble
a body as lean as a two bit go kart
a heart as smart as humphrey bogart

I’d been hired to find an old toy octopus
whose police profile was a major shock to us
googly eyes, purple fur
strictly one for the connoisseur
I held out a pic, said ‘seen this toy?’
stan just sneered, said ‘boy oh boy!
not a looker so to speak
just so long as the perp don’t squeak’
I thanked him for his time and split
we both knew I wasn’t done with it

Later when Stan lit out for a sniff
I snuck back in and found the stiff
under the sofa with a cache of chews
the kind a rough haired lurcher might use
suddenly I heard the dog flap flap
I looked around but damn I was trapped
he laughed like a chimp at a cheap safari
‘so you found my stash of calamari’
then pulling a snub nosed .44
he backed away through the kitchen door

I caught him up on newfoundland drive
just as the black n’white arrived
he did his best with the rough n’stuff
but ended paws spread on the bonnet in cuffs
‘I guess you think you’re the nuts,’ he sneered
‘in your thrift store suit and your jazzy beard’
I tapped out a chesterfield, snapped my hat
ruffled his ears as they threw him in back
‘jes’ working’ the leads, stan – nothin’ special
now give my regards to the cats at the kennel’

barnaby rage by charles dickwad

were drivers this mad when it used to be carts
furiously tailgating in fits and starts
undertaking left, cutting in right
flashing their bullseye lamps at night
blasting out FM hard times rap
giving the horse’s arse a slap
to run faster into smoggy disaster
toll-booth, gin-proof, mad dog master
mud splatter, cobble clatter, bad mouth brutal
get ‘art the way you adjectival fopdoodle
clay pipe of crack, eyes wide red
homburg hat tipped back of the head
heart full of horrors, pocket full of rats
boots up on the dash reading oliver twats