austerity astrology

Pioneering and courageous / you love to share your outrageous / personality / and vivacious company / with the rest of us / girl? you’re the best of us
(under normal circumstances / but with Boris I’m sorry but I don’t rate your chances)

Determined and loyal / your practical approach is the oil / we need / to keep society up to speed / and speaking honestly? / the other star signs rely on you constantly
(it’s usually that way / but you’ll need to find extra credit today)

Sharp and sexy / you handle issues of startling complexity / with your fleet & soulful duality / smart and adaptable / phenomenally compatible
(in happier times / now you’re running county lines)

Emotional & receptive / your hard shell can be deceptive / in fact you’re a natural source of electricity / and although you value domesticity / you can still find room for eccentricity
(in the past / before your bills got quite so vast)

Enthusiastic, emphatic / a flair for the dramatic / you live life to the marvellous max / oriented to the bad boy side of the tracks / in Burberry glasses & Gucci slacks
(these days you’re a little more off-the-rack / the queue for Primark’s round the back )

A perfectionist with a heart of gold / your loyal spirit is a joy to behold / standing your ground / bringing order to the chaos all around
(or did, formerly / up until Sunak’s Spring statement, unfortunately)

Social & diplomatic / you have a fearless drive towards the democratic / seeing the positive not the negative / balanced, empathetic, deeply sensitive
(these days you need a little more luck / with the Tories in power your scales are fucked)

Passionate & cunning / sometimes you’re a little ‘all or nothing’ / but your joie de vie will enliven the situation / and win you oodles of adoration
(what can I say? / I’m afraid the food bank’s closed on Wednesdays )

You’re wild and impulsive and refuse to be boxed / laughing your way free of the toughest locks / and although you lack focus some of the time / your beautiful dreams are always sublime!
(until Brexit / when we all got thrown headfirst through the exit)

A reserved and patient goat you may be / but that’s why you’re the leading lady! / hardworking, resilient / never less than brilliant / and although you’re last to hear any rumour / you’re blessed with a mordant sense of humour
(so here’s a thing to make you laugh / the room’s so cold you’re sat in your scarf)

One of a kind / you totally know your own mind / hungry for knowledge, socially inventive / the pursuit of wisdom your soul’s incentive
(but if you didn’t go to Eton / you may as well accept you’re beaten)

You swim upstream, emotionally intuitive / your skill and your instincts frequently lucrative / and even though you take on too much / you don’t care how hard you work and such
(which is just as well / because I hear there are vacancies at the local motel)

evolution of a party animal

I’m assured that guidance was followed at all times
and if it wasn’t those people will pay for their crimes

I’m as sick as you to see footage of Allegra
she’s a friend of Carrie’s really and I can’t bear her

I MAY have been to a party but if I did I didn’t know it
apart from the email, the DJ, the booze and the party food there was no real sign to show it

I can’t comment further as the police enquiries unravel
but anyway, Keir Starmer likes Jimmy Saville

The fines are coming in but whatever – I remain
using whatever cover I can find and oh look – Ukraine

La Lista Cabinista

Pasta boris putinesca:
corrupted with unsavoury sauce
served supine with
bunga bunga rolls & hand-pressed oligarchs

Cannelloni rishi sunacci
half baked in a mega rich ragu
served sincerely with
a faux, instaready salad

Gnocchi di mogg
deathly dumplings in a cruel victorian gravy
served drab in
a grudge of brexity grits

Ravioli di raab
pillows of pointlessness
served blank in
a thick, regretful roux

Rigatoni con la patel
cold tubes of bureaucracy
served harsh with
a terrine of lifejackets & channel water

Fettuccine dorries
wretched strands of confusion
served wild in
a stagger of embarrassing relish

Lasagna alla truss
layers of contact sheets marinaded in self-regard
served pert
with a selection of hats

Spaghetti alla shapps
a tangle of bland
served P&O
on a plate

rue britannia

Liz? Rishi?
time for a quickie?
it’s your pay-per-view paparazzi
danke schon and mille grazie
try to look busy
we’ll be done in a jiffy
– LOVE what you’ve done to your cave in the city


corporate lawyers in power showers / soap themselves in the early hours / practising smiles and Bonnie Tyler ballads / dreaming of oligarchs and caesar salads

quick! johnson’s smiling so make your obeisance
he thanks you most affably for your patience
the money transferred without complications
so he’ll expedite your applications
actore non probante reus absolvitur
now DO fuck off and DON’T slam the door

holy shit n’guacamole!
where’s my cake so I can have it and eat it slowly?
in the favourite T I’ve had from new
the meek shall inherit the earth / if that’s alright with the rest of you

I’m new here
I just wanted to pass through here
I didn’t know you were supposed to queue here
isn’t this Dover?
the place where all the boats cross over?

whaddya mean, failure to launch?
more like a failure to lunch
sit the fuck down and blow the conch

But wait – here comes… MOGG
he’s written a frightfully elegant blog
the trick behind assets, bricks and mortar
is holding the stick and throwing the dog in the water

All rise:

Rue Britannia! Britannia rues the waves / Old Money never, never, never shall acknowledge the vast sums that were made from slavery / Hmm / almost there / the rhythm’s off but the meaning’s there / maybe the whole thing needs rewriting / it’s too downbeat, unexciting / we need something happy with a snappy refrain / we can sing together as we circle the drain

status update XX

I’m Mr Old Testament / adjusting my robes, questioning the experiment / out of touch, out of my element / high in the sky in my hipster beard and shit / finally admitting it / this is one unholy mess and I’m quitting it / having a messy, messianic fit / that’s me in the corner, losing my religion / the Cook’s gone crazy in the heavenly kitchen / losing His purpose / losing His focus / wondering what’s left to serve – plagues or locusts

I’m a butcher in Gucci, a gangster in spats / I’m Mikhail Mouse in Armani combats / fancy that? / no – not really / I mean that most sincerely / I’m tired of these unsolicited dictator pics / why are people still such gluttons / for autocrats posing with fingers on buttons? / bad boys in the media / political toxaemia / Putin the boot in to Wikipedia / rebranding Russian social media / Instagrim, TikCop, Erasebook, Twister / putting the bad in vlad and the misery in mister / the winters hard and cruel and slow / while Putin jigs like old Gepetto / flattening countries and torching ghettos / carving out his malign portfolio / Boris Johnson as Political Pinocchio / I’m a reeeeaalll boy / but who gets annoyed / when his nose grows so big he can’t avoid / everyone laughing when he waffles and rambles / his hair in a shambles / his Russian strings in such terrible tangles / he strangles / anyone so dim / to think of standing close to him

I’m an influencer pirate / swinging in for selfies at the latest riot / fifteen cops on a dead man’s chest / yo ho ho and a kevlar vest / access all areas with a pass marked press / in a skull & crossbones party dress / pouting in amazement / setting things up on the flaming pavement / for some molotov cocktail product placement

I’m the creature from the black lagoon / who believed the hype and rose too soon / now I’m lying like a love-lorn loon / in a witness-protection motel room / staring at the parking lot. howling at the moon / missing the swamp, the buzz of mosquitos / living on Love is Blind and microwave burritos

Because everything always comes with a price / don’t read the small print, don’t think twice / from hammers and sickles to stars and stripes / lighting up the sleepless city nights / with heavy duty explosive delights / Lucy in the sky with cluster bombs / medals of gold, silver and bronze / provisioned bunkers for neo cons / but in the end what’ll we have to show for it? / the collapse of civilisation as we know it / some tragic, patriotic pageant queen / taking one last selfie in a submarine / somewhere off the Philippines / as the ice cap melts / the statue of liberty tilts / and everyone runs around screaming on stilts / and there’s nothing left to say / except Oyeh! Oyeh! / welcome to the last great segue / humanity’s ultimate passing-out parade / where one day / it’s headlines and military displays / the next it’s wastelands and tardigrades

status update XIX

I’m Keir Carter / sponsored by royal museum charter / cramming down breakfast keen to get started / the workers superstitious & half-hearted / as he shakily breaks the seal on the tomb / and casts his torch about the gloom / wow! a Lyttle decorated room / chintzy as a dusty Blackpool ballroom / and lying in the centre / the focus of Keir’s desert adventure / the mummy of the Pharaoh Johnson / bougie as a straw topped Tutankhamen / and then some / lovingly bandaged in golden / wallpaper / stuffed with shredded red-top newspaper / snug in a matryoshka-style sarcophagus / ceremonial tweets backed-up in his oesophagus / which read like some kind of demented curse / but Keir’s read worse / he’s media savvy and well-rehearsed / he knows the hashtag to get the magic reversed

I’m a horror flick: The Spuds Have Eyes! / special effects derisory / parental advisory / explicit scenes with a vegetable peeler / realistic gardening procedures / DVD with special features / a blooper reel / with a surreal / clash / where Jason Statham goes to mash / the evil spud king / and the mash gets splashed across everything / the camera lens, the ceiling / Jason’s shoulders heaving / still not believing / he told his agent he’d do this shit / but still it’s a hit / sells quite a bit / so all things being equal / he thinks he’ll probably sign for the sequel

I’m a lonely little petunia in an onion patch / considering my options, looking for scratch / swiping right on a primrose, natch / it’s a match / ten years later the bulbs are in bloom / and we’re finalising visiting rights on zoom

I’m a swingers’ party for internet trolls / fol-de-rol / memory sticks and keys in the bowl / man! / it’s my jam! / a junk free jamboree / I’m positively skipping through security / totally in my element! / everything VR and decadent / the cheetos and doritos universally excellent / mouthwash and baby wipes prevalent / once in a while it’s nice to be human / but when the reviews come out I’m fumin’ / they don’t like pleather onesies, I’m assumin’

I’m Captain Kirk / busting out my pants and shirt / ancient but just about credibly alert / phasers on stun, phones on divert / ready to boldly go and be cool / on a flaming dump of aviation fuel / singing the song he learned back at Star School / hey diddle diddle / Jeff B’s on the fiddle / his cock whazzed over the moon / the little dog laughed to see such fun / and the dish needed a year or two out to work on themselves

I’m a caesar salad, stabbed in the croutons by a breadstick / how prophetic / it’s so pathetic / you don’t know what to say / you awkwardly ad lib et tu souffle

(studio laughter)

okay that’s it – I’m written out, shot / poetry’s just typing and finding what you’ve got / sometimes it works and sometimes not / but hey – at least I upload a lot / the twisted poet that Twitter forgot / so, please do not adjust your glasses / everything changes, everything passes / city empires to weeds and grasses / the arctic melts and the ocean advances / meanwhile I’m done with all of that / not a literary lion but a wordle gnat / trapped in a glob of tree resin / fossilising over the next millennium / into a piece of lambent amber / gazing out of my yellow glazed chamber / trying to remember / whether my birthday was June or December / as a security guard yawns in the Geology centre

it’s twenty, btw

I don’t think there’s anything particularly sinister
that Eton has produced so many prime ministers
it’s not a factory with a neon sign
workers don’t file in respectfully at nine
to stand at a great big assembly line
picking from boxes of eyebrows and toeses
bags of hats, containers of noses
the finished product rolling off in a skip
ready to box-up, pallet wrap and ship

and as far as I’m currently aware
they don’t have a design department there
artists hunched over gleaming desks
sketching out the next grotesques
tall or short, in either sex
with managers arguing in the oaky boardroom
about excess stock in the old school storeroom
and having lots of heated quarrels
about wasting money on giving them morals

No. I think it’s simpler than that
and down to one depressing fact
the pupils are bred to be nonchalant
about taking whatever the hell they want
from public money to a butter croissant
Eton’s just the perfect environment
for growing kids with a sense of entitlement
who see the world as a peach for the taking
and ignoring all the mess they’re making

never mind how the country suffers
from this endless succession of Eton duffers
stomping and stinking up the place
wagging their fancy white fingers in your face
retiring to the Lords while we pay for their mistakes
the old school motto? May Eton flourish!
(which is why the country’s so malnourished)
Britain! A country of venerable institutions
(but very few Eton prosecutions)

round & round

Jacob Rees-Mogg is now Minister for Haughty Guffawing, Braying and Hooraying
Nadine Dorries is Secretary for Suspicious Swaying
Priti Patel has gone to Hell
with special responsibility for the Styx as well
Rishi Sunak is Minister for Tricks
Hancock – Minister for Pricks
Michael Gove has moved to Mordor
Liz Truss is Minister for Striding Down a Corridor
Dominic Raab is Lord Chancer and Secretary in a State
Sajid Javid is Minister for Stand in a Line Keep Quiet and Wait
Kwasi Kwarteng crossed himself and knelt down
to be Minister for Business, Energy & Industrial Meltdown
Nadhim Zahawi is Minister for Lunches with at Least Four Courses
half the budget for the heating of horses
but still at the head of this dreadful government
Clown in Chief of Sleaze & Befuddlement
The Right Dishonourable Boris Johnson
(and if he’s a Prime Minister I’m Gloria Swanson)