economics for dummies

It’s a long-standing problem / the Tory party Gollum / squatting bottom of an Excel column / my precious austerity / because apparently / prosperity / isn’t something that’s universally obtainable / the social order unassailable / the economics inescapable / basically your bony arse is grass and everything else saleable / representation is no longer available / so take your lame brain labour / be a good neighbour / and learn to love that particular flavour / I don’t want excuses / I just want a worker that produces and reproduces / so shut up / suck it up don’t fuck it up / you’ll get used to it / there’s really nothing to it / you do the work, you take the hit / and the suits siphon off the best of it / rolling around in coins and notes / on private jets and fancy boats / bending the rules and buying the votes / but even though I can see you’re opposed to it / you’ll never get close to it / hey! I don’t make the rules – I just follow ‘em / I don’t cook the books I just swallow ‘em / allow it / bow to it / I’m not proud of it / I’m sure one day your prince will come / and the two of you make a fairytale income

Anyway! here’s our brave leader / the super spreader & pedigree breeder / smiling & waving from a zip wire over the valley of death / all manicured nails and minty breath / head protected / securely connected / fair and squarely elected / by the people who always suspected / he was hopeless / but nevertheless / sick of the rest / gave him a chance and wished him the best / and then pretty soon realised their terrible mistake / when he got busted for passing fake custard and counterfeit cakes

but ssh now:

the cattle are lowing the baby awakes
(a rental by the abattoir was always a mistake)


half man half biscuit

You know you’re REALLY in the shit
when the guy tasked with getting us out of it
holds a press conference with a packet of biscuits
and the biscuits win

Seriously. What’s WRONG with him?

Is this the future of UK business?
If this is charisma
then I’m Father Charismas

What IS this?

Maybe he’s smarter than that
Maybe there’s half a plan under that hair-like hat
Maybe he’s tying the media in knots
playing them with multiple money making plots
ready to dump shares in Vegemite and Arnott’s

Or not.

Is this what passes for a serious trade representation?
Taking a press briefing dressed as Sir Les Patterson?

IMG_3233What other Australian things does he know?
I’m surprised he doesn’t mention Russell Crowe
What about Skippy, or Kylie Minogue?
Or stand there dressed as Ned Kelly instead
with a dented tin bucket on his head
a sign round his neck that says G’Day! I’m Boris!
We’re up shit creek, mate – please don’t ignoris

Boris vs. Winston

Boris shares the pouchiness
the shoulders & the grouchiness
lacks the hat
but makes up for that
with his hands thrust resolutely deep in his pockets
hair like Warhol stuck a fork in a socket

he’s very fond of speeches
but often overreaches
and goes splashing around in the classics

Boris went to Eton then Oxford
which is a little bit awkward
given his ‘common touch’ schtick
he’s no idea how normal people tick
but then again, Winston went to Harrow & Sandhurst
so I’m not sure really who comes off worst
in that regard
it’s hard
and anyway, the working classes love a toff
as long as it’s not clear who’s ripping them off

IMG_3200so – in conclusion
it’s true they both had a bit of a power delusion
but whilst Winston was famed for his persuasive pugnacity
Boris is known for his evasive mendacity
I’m afraid his gravitas is more gravitasn’t
he says he’ll do something but dasn’t
his main talent is for being absent
and whilst Churchill led us in World War II
Boris hasn’t got quite as much to do
just driving wedges in the United Kingdom
tipping us out of the European Thingdom
making us world beaters in screwing up a pandemic
– so I suppose in that way you could say he’s been epic



you know where you are with a coronavirus
it only wants to get inside us
boarding our lungs like spiky pirates
turning us into multipliers

put one under a microscope
you’ll get the full dope
a belly coiled with RNA rope
a little protein envelope

that’s it. that’s all there is
laid out for your analysis
a particle that’s a practical whizz
at the biochemical repro biz

turn that scope on the current prime minister
and you’ll find a much more puzzling creature
an opportunistic power seeker
with no discernible moral feature

the virus is easier to understand
as it propagates across the land
to nix its tricks and make a stand
you only have to wash your hands

but the PM is a problem of a deeper complexion
a master of fog and misdirection
so if you want to guard against further infection
vote him out at the next election


Dom the cat comes back

This is an allegorical parable / but nothing TOO politically scatalogical, scary or horrible / so don’t worry / you won’t have to say sorry / run out in a hurry / hands over your ears, eyes all blurry / no – this is easier on the nerves than that / this is a story about a magician’s cat

There was this magician called Boris / superficially magicianly but a bit of a novice / who used to crash about the place / his spells a disgrace / comical flying goggles strapped to his face / cackling in a cliche witchy way / as he gabbled and grappled with the problems of the day / riding a long & expensive-looking broom / he kept propped up in the corner of his room / with a woven willow pillion on the back / for a little black tom / called Dom

Dom was cool & collected / sharp & connected / gave whispery, whiskery advice / had a good head for heights / jumped without warning & never looked twice / knew a lot about mice / but wasn’t obsessed / was wary of dogs but not so you’d guess / his photo often in the local press / I mean – in all feline respects he was blessed / and the thing he loved best / was any kind of magical test

One night an ogre approached the village / waving its fists, threatening pillage / chucking cows, cars, silage / getting plenty of mileage / from the usual ogreish antics / and cliche monster movie theatrics / it was all looking pretty tragic / until the mayor went to Boris to plead for some magic

No problemo / Major-Domo! / he blustered / but looked a little flustered / as he reluctantly snatched up his broom / flew out of the room / straight at the beast / to a holding altitude of three ogres at least / then laughed as its terrible rage increased / swiping as he circled out of reach / and everything seemed set to continue like that / till he banked too hard and lost the cat / which the ogre caught smartly in its upturned hat

‘Stop right now or the kitten gets it’ / the ogre said – and meant it / he had a mean reputation and was happy to augment it / you name the moral code – he’d bent it / if there was ever any forgiveness in his heart he’d spent it / a long time ago / I don’t know / these things domino / but whatever the deep psychological reason / for the ogre’s endless, friendless season / of monstrous malfeasance / long story short – he was nursing a grievance / so heinous it ranked as his greatest achievement / and he kept the villagers permanently scared / with a series of moves he’d pre-prepared / and some he thought of on the spot / depending on how much time he’d got

But Dom was a resourceful cat / he leaped out of the ogre’s hat / scooted round his back / up onto his shoulder / gripped him by his spike-studded collar / and shouted deep in his hairy ear / I can see you’re cross but there’s nothing to fear / we’re all friends here / you don’t need to be quite so severe / WHAT? – the ogre bellowed / but something about him crumpled & mellowed / he suddenly seemed a more vulnerable fellow / C’mon said Dom, let’s sit and talk / or talk and walk / your choice / just lose the club and lower the voice / we can talk about your childhood, or not – whatever / I just want to get to know you better

So Dom & the ogre walked out on the moors / with Dom on his back waving his paws / and the villagers came out and broke into applause / and Boris landed in the square / and shook hands with the mayor / and everyone there / and they danced and sang till the moon came out / and it was a very good night without a doubt

At last by dawn the cat came back / wandering innocently down the track / and hopped up on the fountain steps / where he licked his paws & yawned & stretched / then looked out over the expectant people / as the bells rang out from the village steeple

You need not fear the ogre again / I’ve ended the creature’s terrible reign / he wants you to know he’s not your enemy / he only needed a little therapy

That’s magic! Boris said / leaning down to pat his head / And now I think we’ve earned our bed / so they both hopped on to the waiting broom / and zoomed away in a billowing plume / of dust / over the hushed / but adoring villagers / who were such rapt & distracted listeners / they didn’t see the ogre creeping back / to launch another surprise attack / that he’d pre-arranged with the sneaky cat / in return for a crooked kick-back

(And the moral of this lamentable chronicle? / ogre’s are bogus and diabolical / cats are sneaky it’s a natural fact / they’ll take your strokes then leave you flat / and last but not least / fight your own beasts / it’s no use going to the local magician / he’ll say and do anything to keep his position).