Johnson is sent away as a child to be educated by the wise centaur Eton (a centaur is a fabulous creature, half horse, half complete arse) who hides him away and raises him on the Mountains of Spondulix.
When Johnson turns fifty-five he journeys to The Tory Lands to claim his throne. At a nearby river, Margaret, the Queen of the Tories, approaches Johnson disguised as an old woman not for turning. While carrying her across the river, Johnson loses his comb and arrives at Number 10 with his hair a mess. The Tories are nervous when they see Johnson in this state, for an oracle had prophesied that a shag-haired clown shall usurp the throne.
Johnson demands his rightful place. The Tories reply that Johnson should first accomplish a difficult task to prove his worth. The task is to retrieve the Blatant Fleece, kept beyond the edge of the logical world on the Isle of Brexis.
The story of the Blatant Fleece is an interesting tale in itself. Murdoch, King of the Gods, had given a golden promise to Johnson’s ancestor Camoron. Camoron later flew on the golden promise to the Isle of Brexis, whose king was called Hateful, son of Poison and Media. Hateful sacrificed the promise and hung its Blatant Fleece in a sacred grove guarded by a dreadful, racist dragon called Enoch, as an oracle had foretold that Hateful would lose his kingdom if anyone got close enough to see the Blatant Fleece was actually not all that.
Determined to reclaim his throne, Johnson agrees to retrieve the Blatant Fleece. Johnson assembles a team of absolutely useless heroes for his crew, and they sail aboard the Farrago for Brexis.
The journey takes forever (feels like). The heroes have many opportunities and basically fuck them all up, including The Clashing Rocks of The Bleeding Obvious (each rock emblazoned with a made-up statistic); Barnier Bear Island; The Land of Europe, where bananas are straight and the rulers are not; Nigel and the Harpies; The Invisible Covid Parties; The Sirens (who try to lure Johnson onto the rocks by waving bundles of cash), and a terrifying robot called Starmus, who they eventually defeat by unscrewing a bolt in his ankle and letting out all his charisma.
Finally, Johnson parks the Farrago at the Isle of Brexis and asks Hateful for the Blatant Fleece as it belonged to his ancestor, Camoron.
Hateful knows that as soon as Johnson touches the Fleece all the paint will come off. So he comes up with another challenge. Johnson must first plough his cabinet, then sow it with the teeth of the Enoch. However, Media has taken a liking to Johnson. She gives him magical powers, and with her help he manages to slay Enoch, pull out his teeth and sow them in the vacant cabinet seats. Soon there grows a dreadful army of racist politicians, any one of which might rat on Johnson and bring him down. But Media had already briefed Johnson, who cast stones in news interviews that led them to turn on each other in confusion.
Johnson takes the Blatant Fleece, marries Media and together they go back to The Tory Lands to claim Camoron’s throne. But the people have finally realised the wool is being pulled over their eyes. So Johnson and Media are driven out of The Tory Lands – now renamed The People’s Lands – and they retire to the Mountains of Spondulix, where Johnson marries someone else, Media is slain by poor sales figures, and Johnson tries to make money by touring a jukebox musical called Fleece a Jolly Good Fellow! – but gets flattened by the reviews.
Classic.
jim clayton 