jack finally grows one

jack’s mum
says son
we’re out of credit
take the cow and sell it

jack meets a guy
who offers to buy
the cow with some crack & amphetamines
and a handful of organic, magic beans

thanks says jack
smokes the crack
takes the beans
shoves them in his jeans

gets home
says helloooo?
mum I sold daisy
shows her the beans, his mum goes crazy
can’t find the words for his worthlessness
gets straight on the phone to social services

then chucks the beans out the window
but her fingers must be green ‘cos next thing you know
an enormous beanstalk grows overnight
like a leafy green elevator spiralling outta sight

jack likes it
straightaway climbs it

finds a castle of gigantic parameters
a sign saying no cold callers, salespersons or canvassers

naturally jack breaks in
slowly takes in
the fogeyish, ogreish decor
coins in boxes, bones on the floor
a speaking harp, etcetera
the usual fairy tale ephemera

just then
in comes bustin’
the ogre himself
jack jumps up on a nearby shelf

fee fi fo fum
I can’t remember the rest so I’ll hum

which he does
then falls asleep immediately
suffering from fairy tale narcolepsy

out jumps Jack
to stuff his sack
with coins, goose, harp, loot
then sprints for the door with the ogre in pursuit

jack does parkour
so he hits the floor
a full minute before
the ogre who roars
but a happy ending lacks
because jack cuts the beanstalk down with an axe

so his mum is made up
all the bills paid up
and they live off the coins and the eggs the goose lays
because the moral of the story is crime always pays

ohio jack

let me tell you a thing or two about ohio jack
jack was a guy who knew the way to market and back

and if it were true he couldn’t tell ya exactly what a cow’s worth
he knew full well what a bean could do if you stamped it in the earth

so when his ma finally lost it & tossed it in the garden
Jack didn’t waste time with a sorry ma’am, beggin yer parden

he jes’ lay a’bed all day, tuggin’ on a bottle o’bourbon
making spooky goosey shapes with his hands upon the curtain

and when the moon had finally risen, nice n’ full n’ round
he staggered out onto the porch n’seen a beanstalk in the ground

about where them ol’ beans’d got chucked, so high there weren’t no end to it
straight n’wide as a turnpike ride, without a single bend to it

so he took a sack, a coil a’rope, n’ wha’ d’he say? A axe?
put the rope in the sack, the axe in his belt, and slung the sack on his back

& he started there a’climbin’ – and he climbed & climbed all night
a thousand feet or more, till he climbed clean outta sight

up into this fairyland, with a cloudy kinda spring to it
an a castle with a goose, an a harp that plucked itself when he sing’d to it

well – Jack bein’ Jack, a man o’renown, he didn’t need no second telling
he stuffed the goose n’ the harp in his sack, the harp a’bitchin’ and a’yellin’

enough to wake the giant buckeye what owned that piece o’real estate
and he chased young Jack with the bulging sack clean out the castle gate

an’ they ran like that, Jack swearin’ and a sweatin’, the giant mean as a hawk
till Jack saw a leaf poking up thru’ the cloud and he knew he’d reached the stalk

Jack hurried down, hand over boots, the giant close behind
with nothing but a fire of hate to his face and a twist of revenge to his mind

but Jack landed first, he turned with his axe
and he cut through that plant in a coupla whacks

and the giant crashed down in one trailin’, pitchin’ ladder of plant
and lay there dead as anything, deader than Ulysses S. Grant

turned out the goose Jack took was worth considerable more than a parrot
lay medium sized eggs of pretty fine gold, if not twenty-four carat

so Jack and his mum were fixed for life, of that there weren’t no question
and the giant was left to rot where he fell, quite the tourist attraction

so let this be a lesson to ya – quite what, I ain’t too sure
even yer’ cloud-based buckeye needs a decent lock for the door