jack’s mum
says son
we’re out of credit
take the cow and sell it

jack meets a guy
who offers to buy
the cow with some crack & amphetamines
and a handful of organic, magic beans

thanks says jack
smokes the crack
takes the beans
shoves them in his jeans

gets home
says helloooo?
mum I sold daisy
shows her the beans, his mum goes crazy
can’t find the words for his worthlessness
gets straight on the phone to social services

then chucks the beans out the window
but her fingers must be green ‘cos next thing you know
an enormous beanstalk grows overnight
like a leafy green elevator spiralling outta sight

jack likes it
straightaway climbs it

finds a castle of gigantic parameters
a sign saying no cold callers, salespersons or canvassers

naturally jack breaks in
slowly takes in
the fogeyish, ogreish decor
coins in boxes, bones on the floor
a speaking harp, etcetera
the usual fairy tale ephemera

just then
in comes bustin’
the ogre himself
jack jumps up on a nearby shelf

fee fi fo fum
I can’t remember the rest so I’ll hum

which he does
then falls asleep immediately
suffering from fairy tale narcolepsy

out jumps Jack
to stuff his sack
with coins, goose, harp, loot
then sprints for the door with the ogre in pursuit

jack does parkour
so he hits the floor
a full minute before
the ogre who roars
but a happy ending lacks
because jack cuts the beanstalk down with an axe

so his mum is made up
all the bills paid up
and they live off the coins and the eggs the goose lays
because the moral of the story is crime always pays