(Darkness. GRAND MOFF TARKIN walks on, brooding, intense. A spotlight snaps on. He looks out into the audience, and begins his monologue)

If it it were gone when ’tis gone, then ’twere well
It were gone quickly: if this planetary erasure
Could sweep up the field of debris, and net
In one deft swoop, success; one detonation
And ’tis done, and dusted, here
Upon this safe and orbital moment,
We’d punch the button. But in these cases
We still have judgement: and th’Imperial Edict,
Being receiv’d, turns upon itself,
And tempts us to touch another button
A big red one, marked
WHATEVER YOU DO, DO NOT TOUCH
A button I’m drawn to overmuch
On these long and lonely travails
Through rebel infested sectors;
Hath cause to make me overthink
And talk to myself like this a lot
Truly hath this planet need of my help
First, as the greater intelligence
Who perforce shoulds’t know better
Than to simply shrug and zap the equator;
Then, as protector, who shoulds’t provide
Th’inhabitants with Superlaser Deflectors
Not bear the Superlaser myself
This planet hath borne its faculties so prettily
A lush miscellany of cones and ferns
That were wont to set the CGI beasts at a roar
Verily this chorus shoulds’t plead like jurors
‘Gainst the unfair ferocity of their erasure;
And pity, like a ghastly Ewok
Inadvisably introduced in Episode Six
Striding the blast on a dumb ass glider,
Horsed upon George’s drear imagination;
Blowing the horrid deed in every nerd’s eye,
That tears shall blur their spectacles.
I have no spur but a talent for cruelty
Tight boots and tunics, all gains’t a background
Of underwhelming underlings
Stormtroopers who don’t seem to know
Their articulated arse from their blaster

Oh, well. Whatever

(Destroys Alderaan)