the grim reader

he appeared to me
on Sunday
THE GRIM READER!
just as I was trying to complete a
particularly ghastly thread
on Twitter as I lay in bed
shit I said
he shook his head
why? expecting someone else instead?
I shrugged
as I coyly tugged
the duvet to my chest
why – no, I guess…

he was wearing a cloak
wildly bespoke
the kinda thing you’d wear for a joke
just a big black sheet
lotsa bulging pockets and pleats
stuffed with photos, notes, receipts
sharp one liners, smart critiques
cartoons, gifs
gothic posters, manga strips
a million 3 minute video clips
of snakes v pigeons
an animated Charles Dickens
made of sinister vegetables
a spider in spectacles
a pulsing line of hatching cocoons
an old man eating prunes
for the first time
cooking with edamame
surviving a tsunami
a politician doorstepped
a mouse getting the floor swept
with a screaming flamingo
seventeen submarines firing in syncro
the explanation of a syndrome
a rusty ol’ Citroen
a flock of drones
in V formation flying home
and so on
and on
row upon row
of audiovisual overload

THE GRIM READER’S face
was an interesting case
of terminal distraction
the kinda face you might wanna caption:
LOL SAME
hashtag notinmyname
his eyes moving incessantly
worryingly independently
quite reptilian
like a chameleon
shifty & machiavellian
and his skin was sallow
the kinda fellow
you might wanna give vit D
and take away on holiday
to the mountains or the sea
so he could live a few weeks healthily

it’s time he said
but I’ve only just gone to bed
no he said
shaking his head
(he did that a lot;
the only expression of frustration he’d got)
IT’S TIME!
accompanied by the kinda mime
you REALLY don’t wanna see
at anytime, let alone half past three
in the morning
obvs a warning
I mean – GRIM by name, GRIM by nature
a superi-serious kinda player
no doubt a visit from the HAPPY reader
woulda been a whole other prospect
so anyway what’s next
I said
bravely sitting up in bed

he raised a bony digit
I put down my phone & started to fidget

COME WITH ME NOW! he boomed
and straightaway uploaded me outta the room
and that’s where I’m Tweeting from right this minute
but that’s what you get for doom scrolling, innit

unpredictable

I write a lot of poems
some of you may know em

(yeah? you SEE?
how naturally poetry comes to me?
apart from the metre
which I’ve always struggled with and have to accept is what you might call my big defeater)

a few people know me but not enough
and I’ve been trying to get to more people with my stuff

so I post em with a picture
on instagram and twitter

talking of which
I’ve noticed a glitch

when I start to write the text
the cursor always predicts what’s next

I get as far as ‘new poem on the…’
whereupon the

prediction comes up with ‘church new wall
which doesn’t make ANY sense at all

I mean – it’s complete and utter rubbish
(thank God I prof before I publish)

although… I dunno …. maybe it couldn’t hurt
to write a poem on the side of a church

birthday girl

I was asked to deliver a cake to Enid, a woman who was born on Armistice day in 1918. The nursing home had put out a general call for help on social media: Enid had never had children, and as the years had gone by her friends and family had died or moved away, so now she had no-one, and the staff were worried she wouldn’t have enough cards. Plus it was one hundred years since the ending of World War One, so it seemed the right time to take action. There was plenty of interest locally. A florist offered to provide a bouquet and a cake maker a cake. Kath collected the flowers the Saturday before, but the cake wouldn’t be ready until eleven on the Sunday, so I volunteered to collect it and take both things plus a card to the home by about midday on the day itself. I put the radio on and pulled into a layby when Big Ben struck eleven. The rain had stopped, the sun was shining brightly. I was surrounded by yellow and golden leaves and everything seemed pretty peaceful and perfect, but to be honest I was preoccupied with thinking about the pick-up and where to drop it off and the timing of everything, so I can’t say I was overly focused on the war.

The baker lived in a cottage with a yellow door, white window frames and perfect red bricks, the whole thing looking like an immaculate self-build of gingerbread and icing.
‘Why did you lock your car door?’ she said, holding the cake box with one hand underneath and one to the side. ‘You’re standing right there.’
‘Habit,’ I said.
‘Well. I’ve only just iced the decoration so don’t do anything stupid.’
‘Okay.’
‘Put it in the footwell’ she said. ‘No sudden braking.’
‘No. I’ll be careful.’
‘Yes,’ she said. ‘It’s fragile.’
I told her I’d be sure to wedge it with my coat, but she wasn’t reassured.
‘Granny driving only,’ she said. ‘Easy on the corners.’
‘Of course. Do you want me to take a photo of Enid with the cake?’
‘Nah,’ she said. ‘I already got some pics.’

There were lots of detours in place because of the big Centenary Armistice commemorations going on, so I had to take a cross-country route. When I got there I found a dozen people already queuing outside the door to the home, including a cub scout in uniform holding a large card with a poppy made of crepe in the middle and Happy Birthday Enid written in glitterpen.
‘Do you know Enid?’ said the woman, straightening his cap. I thought she must be his mum.
‘No,’ I said. ‘There was something on social media. I didn’t see it. I’m just delivering some cake and flowers.’
‘That’s nice,’ she said.
Someone else asked the guy nearest the door if he’d rung.
‘Yes,’ he said, but then self-consciously rapped the large brass knocker.
‘At least it’s not raining,’ I said to the cub scout’s mum.
‘Yes,’ she said. ‘We’ve been lucky.’
Eventually there was movement behind the door: an orderly in a white tunic, who frowned at us all then stood aside just sufficiently so we could file in.
‘This is for Enid’ I said.
‘You mean Mrs Westerman?’
‘I suppose so.’
‘Does it have to go in the fridge?’
‘I don’t know. Maybe. Probably. It’s fresh to day.’
He took it.
‘The decorations are quite fragile,’ I said, but he was already marching off down the hall and shouldering backwards through a door marked ‘Kitchen’. I stood in the hallway with the vase of flowers and the other visitors, who – I found out – had all come to see Enid as well. We didn’t know what to do and certainly didn’t want to impose. After a while someone I guessed was a manager appeared. She had a brisk and efficient smile, and collected all our cards and flowers without committing to anything overmuch.
‘Enid’s had a busy morning and she’s just gone to bed,’ she said. ‘But I’ll make sure she gets all your presents.’
‘Wish her a happy birthday from us,’ said a guy with a camera round his neck.
‘Did you want a photo?’
‘Oh – no!’ he said, stepping back, horrified. ‘She needs to rest.’
‘Fine. Well. Thank you all so much.’
And she disappeared into the kitchen, too.
We all turned to go.
A man with two snappy dogs appeared, so abruptly it seemed as if the manager must have pressed a secret button somewhere. The first dog, the one that was urgently pulling on the lead, barked and snapped at the cub scout who drew back behind his mum.
‘Don’t do that!’ shouted the man, leaning over the dog. ‘How many times have I told you?’
The dog didn’t care though, and was already pulling him on, so the man passed along the corridor, throwing apologies over his shoulder as he spun round at the far end and was dragged off deeper into the home.

Sheepishly our little group retraced our steps back to the front door.
‘Isn’t there a button you push?’ said the guy who had originally been at the front to come in but was now standing right at the back. Maybe he was glad it was someone else’s turn to get the door stuff wrong.
‘There’s a pad,’ I said. ‘You need a code.’
We waited a while longer – so long I wondered if we really did need a code.
There was a fish tank right there and we stood and watched the fish for a while.
‘Look at the lovely tank’ said the mum to the cub scout. ‘All the lovely fish.’
A little while longer and the guy in the white tunic appeared again. He didn’t say anything, just came to the front and jabbed at the buttons whilst shielding them with his hand.
‘Ah hah!’ I said ‘Now I know!’P1120320
He frowned at me.
‘Know what?’
‘The secret code.’
‘You’re not supposed to know,’ he said.
‘It’s okay,’ I said. ‘I didn’t really see.’
‘Okay then.’
He opened the door and held it whilst we all filed out.
‘It’s no wonder she’s exhausted,’ said the mum, buttoning her coat and straightening in the fresh air as her son sprinted off across the car park. ‘All this attention.’

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the truth about the bird

I’m not sure about Twitter.

Sometimes I think it’s been a great creative spur, inspiring me to look at things in more detail, at mushrooms and trees, patterns of light, found poetry, birdsong after the rain, a ventilation duct that looks like a steampunk worm. I love the way it challenges me to come up with haiku poems, scraps of conversation I’d otherwise forget, short descriptions, serious notes, trashy nothings. I love the way it makes me feel connected to people doing the same sort of thing, all over the world.twitter logo

But some days the whole thing flips on its beak. Suddenly I’m using Fritter, not Twitter, and I panic that I’ve fallen under the spell of some giant and insatiable chick, incessantly demanding food, first thing in the morning, last thing at night, and I’m flying backwards and forwards looking for anything remotely digestible to drop into its craw. I worry that I’m actually morphing into this crazy blue chick myself – living on a sugary diet of likes and retweets, dashed when my follower count goes down, happy when it goes up, even though I have no idea who these followers or dropped followers are, and even though I suspect that many of them are living like me, in a nest of scraps somewhere, with a phone camera, snapping anything of interest.

Today I love it, though.

And, of course – hashtag irony – this post will feature on my feed.

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