the maltese octopus

he was the kind of grifting, streetwise lurcher
if you ran him downtown to a cash converter
you might just score a coupla bucks
if you liked your mongrels bargain deluxe

a rough haired dog who knew you knew it
hair so wild you’d think he blew it
off-white, singed, like a throw of burned coconut
teeth all messy and badly broken up
dotted around his mouth like rubble
a body as lean as a two bit go kart
a heart as smart as humphrey bogart

I’d been hired to find an old toy octopus
whose police profile was a major shock to us
googly eyes, purple fur
strictly one for the connoisseur
I held out a pic, said ‘seen this toy?’
stan just sneered, said ‘boy oh boy!
not a looker so to speak
just so long as the perp don’t squeak’
I thanked him for his time and split
we both knew I wasn’t done with it

Later when Stan lit out for a sniff
I snuck back in and found the stiff
under the sofa with a cache of chews
the kind a rough haired lurcher might use
suddenly I heard the dog flap flap
I looked around but damn I was trapped
he laughed like a chimp at a cheap safari
‘so you found my stash of calamari’
then pulling a snub nosed .44
he backed away through the kitchen door

I caught him up on newfoundland drive
just as the black n’white arrived
he did his best with the rough n’stuff
but ended paws spread on the bonnet in cuffs
‘I guess you think you’re the nuts,’ he sneered
‘in your thrift store suit and your jazzy beard’
I tapped out a chesterfield, snapped my hat
ruffled his ears as they threw him in back
‘jes’ working’ the leads, stan – nothin’ special
now give my regards to the cats at the kennel’

one flew over the lurcher’s basket

occasionally
Stanley
would spectacularly
stretch out on his side on the floor
give his front left leg a gnaw
with a howl that was deafening
his back legs pedalling
all in all it was pretty unsettling
like the poor thing was wrestling
invisible wolves in life or death matches
these desperate episodes coming in batches
of twos maybe threes
so we took him to the vet’s, obviously
and she said unfortunately
I think your dog has epilepsy
(although to be sure she’d need more tests
which at his age would cause him undue stress
so maybe a palliative route was best)

the medication made him a zombie
a listless lurcher / throw pillow combi
till cutting the pills seemed kinder and easier
we’d see how we went with just analgesia

and suddenly he was cured!
a lot more settled and self-assured

Differential diagnosis?

it’s probably because he’s quite a diva
in acting terms a high-achiever
making the most out of low level pain
the kind you might get from a muscle strain

(still haven’t taken him back to the vet:
WAAAY too embarrassed to tell her yet)

a glitch in the machine

Stanley’s sick
glitchy, arthritic
his howls quite loud and apocalyptic
scuffling his paws
on the floor
as he wildly gnaws
at a phantom pain he can’t ignore
burying his face
in the exact same place
he’s gnawed before
(the top of his left thigh)
Why Stanley? WHY?
we leap off the sofa
and hurry straight over
like physios from the dugout
to massage his muscle and straighten the rug out
it seems to work
we ease the jerks
and even though the procedure’s hazardous
he rises again like a shaggy Lazarus
and, glad it’s all over,
has a quick shake and leaps on the sofa

we sent the vet a video clip;
we’ve yet to hear what she thinks of it

and the golden paw goes to…

Stanley’s claws need clipping
‘cos his paws keep slipping
on the laminate floor
unfortunately
because although it scores
pleasingly for ease of cleaning
for long-legged dogs it’s less appealing
and sometimes Stan spins around on his snoot
like Bambi on ice but not so cute

Stan HATES the groomer;
he’d really rather sooner
offer his paws
to the slavering jaws
of a grizzly bear
than have them scissored by the assistant there

(it’s bad enough
when you give him a brush;
his acting would make even Jim Carrey blush)

so – the vet’s it is
and it’s a pretty sticky business
the vet cries what in God’s name IS this?
Can I get a hand in here, Jenny?
I think this lurcher’s up for an Emmy

The Lurcher

(with sincere apologies to Wm. Blake)

Lurcher, Lurcher, burning bright,
In the living room tonight:
What immortal hand or eye
Will fling the nearest window wide?

On what polluted rugs or sofas
Burns the fury of thine odours?
On what lap dare he aspire
To lift his tail and ease the fire?

And what mouldiness, & how tart
From the twisted sinews of thy arse
And when thy guts begin to heat
What dread sound? & what dread squeak?

What the clamour? what the screams,
In what furious, faecal dream?
What fresh hell? What dread gasp
When supine canines spritz their arse?

When the stars threw down their treats
And walked the earth’s first lurcher sweet:
Did God smile his work to see?
Did He who made The Nose make thee?

Lurcher, Lurcher, burning bright,
In the living room tonight:
What immortal hand or eye
Will fling the nearest window wide?

lonesome lurcher blues

how loudly stanley lies
overwhelmingly oversized
the opposite of enchanting
railing and ranting
balefully commanding
the awful acoustics of the upstairs landing
doggedly distraught
dismal as an astronaut
who just missed blast-off
flat as a fur coat a countess cast-off
clamorous as a diva
in need of anaesthesia
tossing back a slug of the milk of amnesia
dire as a gloomy, doomy choir
who hired a coach but the coach was a liar
manifestly mourning
like an underpaid pallbearer over-performing
a sad-sack cerberus, gruesomely throwing some
hades-grade shade totally going some
a dog-shaped fog-horn making you aware
of the hazardous drop to the rocky stairs
an amorous yeti lamenting the loss
of another sherpa who didn’t give a toss
howling the blues like a superstar
all he lacks is a hat and guitar
sounding so mournful you gradually well up
and a walk’s the only thing that’ll shut him the hell up

why stanley why

why stanley why
do you endlessly strive
to tunnel and dive
nose-first through the sofa cushions
frantically pushin’
slag heaps of stuffin’
in brute pursuit of a canine macguffin
well thanks for nuffin’

your efforts show
those throws we chose
as part of our dog-proofing manifesto
were laughably hopeless
threadbare pet care hocus pocus
cute but unfocused
buying just two of ‘em almost broke us

I mean – c’mon stanley – what’s the rap?
are you REALLY saying dogs can’t nap
without their paws in a dog dug gap
or is it all just strictly business
to see how quickly a dog digs through this
hot dog hubris
why in dog’s name do you DO this?

to what end?
my curious, furious friend
TO WHAT END?

a lovely lil’ lurcha from Londin Tahn

‘ees … a lovely lil’ lurcha from Londin Tahn
sleeps all day on the undergrahn
riding the escalators up n’ dahn
a lovely lil’ lurcha from Londin Tahn

so…

wag yer tail
gnash yer teeth
march on the spot like a hairy chief
if yer see the king
wait a bit
lurchas don’t care ‘baht any of it

‘ees… a lovely lil’ lurcha from Befnal Green
big belly grumblin’ like a washing machine
breath that’ll turn yer a shade o’ green
a lovely lil’ lurcha from Befnal Green

and it’s….

lick yer balls
sniff yer snaht
make a bad smell like a brussel spraht
if yer see a tory
bark and fret
he ‘ain’t seen a tory he likes much yet

‘cos…. ‘eeeeees…… aaaaaaaa

lovely lil’ lurcha from Pimlico
acts like a bear, sounds like a crow
I phoned up Crufts – did they want him? (NO!)
a lovely lil lurcha from Pimlico

so

pick yer scabs
lick yer arse
focus on the crocus in fits n’starts
raise yer leg
pee n’ poo
put the WC in WC2

caaaahhhhs eeeees aaaaaaaaa

lovely lil’ lurcha from Londin Tahn
sleeps all day on the undergrahn
riding the escalators up n’dahn
a lovely lil’ lurcha from Lon…DIN TAAAAAAAAAHHHHNNNNN

(cough)

Fanks a lot.
Fanks.
Please. No more biscuits – me collar’s gettin’ tight

one man and his … where’s my dog?

let’s make one thing clear
it wasn’t MY idea
to go on the walk
in fact I baulked
when I looked outside and saw the weather
the rain had stopped raining the water was draining but whatever
you’d have to say it was still pretty soaking
if you’re thinking of exercise you must be joking
so I’d have preferred to defer the whole thing
but no
Stanley plainly wanted to go
whining and mithering like a so-and-so
so
I finally conceded
speedily clipped on the lead and proceeded

but was he happy?
basically
no

over the fields he acted distracted
like a haunted dog that could only be contacted
by ouija board or canine shaman
‘cos I kept on calling his name and
clearly it was having zero effect
no rapport, no connect
between master and dog, man and beast
I mean – he could’ve given me a nod at least
but every sniff was a full blown retreat

when we finally made the hill
he kept on hanging back until
I was forced to march up the slope to fetch him
like ten minutes walking had over-stretched him
I mean maybe something else upset him
but WHAT?
the nearest dog was just a dot
on the horizon
I was none the wiser
and neither
was Stan
he didn’t even want the treat in my hand
deaf and blind to all my whistling
stubbornly resisting
any attempt
to tempt
him on
if I hadn’t run back and fastened the lead he’d be gone
who knows where
to a land of lost lurchers somewhere
over the rainbow
where bluebirds fly and dogs just lie all day in the window
staring out mournfully
sniffing at tripe sticks scornfully
like he’s treated despicably
till predictably
I give in and take him for a walk
and for no apparent reason he cuts it short

fine
next time
I’m totally getting a cat
nobody talks about walks and all that