rhyme crimes

the three blind mice
got busted by vice
agreed a price
spilled the cheese on the farmhouse heist
the fugazi tails device

the dish and the spoon
blew cover too soon
the scene was somewhat opportune
we scored the cat, the fiddle, the cow, the moon
– the whole goddamn spittoon

doctor foster
double-crossed her
one last blast of oxycontin then he tossed her
but no WAY had he lost her
he bobbed-up in Gloucester

old mother hubbard
finally blubbered
tossed her, discovered
a Glock and a Beretta in the cupboard
the murderous old buzzard
god love her

georgie porgy
pie-eyed in a suburban orgy
fingered by clergy
DA says he was DP’d by a Tory
sticking to his story

little jack horner?
plum off his tits in the corner?
that crusty little performer?
let me warn ya
he’s our best informer
top dollar

the wee willie winkie case is now officially closed


adversity rhyme

jack and claire
went up the stairs
to shoot a baggie of smack
jack fell down
and broke his crown
and claire she ran out back

jack pulled through
in ITU
six months later – home
he looked for claire
she wasn’t there
so jack was all alone

jack’s mum Lynne
she stepped in
forgiving to a fault
jack lay a-bed
and took what she said
with methadone and salt

his mum slammed out
he gave a shout
and injuries notwithstanding
crawled from the sheets
on his hands and knees
to the stairs at the end of the landing

he lay at the top
looked down at the drop
a spaceman by a crater
the hole in his life
he’d burned with a pipe
and landed six months later

jack and claire
went up the stairs
to shoot a baggie of smack
jack fell down
and broke his crown
and claire she ran out back


In a cottage in a wood
A little old man at the window stood
Saw a rabbit running by
Knocking at the door.
‘Help me, help me, help me,’ he said
‘Before the hunter shoots me dead!’
‘Little rabbit come inside,
Happy we shall be.’

Sounds like an elevator pitch for a horror movie. Especially when you do the actions:

  1. In a cottage in a wood
    Describe the outline of the cottage with your two index fingers. A simple design, just a square, really. But isn’t it too simple? The kind of simple you struggle to understand in retrospect, after the horror’s passed, just a scrap of blue & white POLICE LINE DO NOT CROSS left round a tree. How did we miss it? For God’s sake – it was there all along, people. In plain sight.
  2. A little old man at the window stood.
    Lower your arms and hunch over a little, old man style. Isolated. In your own world. Waiting.
  3. Saw a rabbit running by / Knocking at the door.
    Raise your hands in front of you like two little paws, in a bounding motion, then segue immediately into a knocking mime. You’re a rabbit, goddamit. Running. Running in a nightmare. From some unspeakable thing.
  4. ‘Help me, help me, help me,’ he said
    Stretch your hands up into the air and then back down again three times. Is this the rabbit crying for help? Or the old man mimicking its terror? You decide.
  5. ‘Before the hunter shoots me dead!’
    Mime a shotgun, blasting away three times in a controlled spread-pattern.
  6. ‘Little rabbit come inside’
    Extend one index finger and indicate for the rabbit to approach. This is where you start to think: Keep on running, little rabbit! For God’s sake! Keep running!
  7. ‘Happy we shall be.’
    Nod & smile & slowly stroke your left hand with your right. It’s no good. The rabbit goes inside. Stands looking around the interior – the whole thing rabbit-themed. Cutlery, teapot, tablecloth. There’s an oil painting on the wall of an old woman dressed as a rabbit. The old man goes out back to ‘pop the kettle on’. Comes back wearing a rabbit head with crooked yellow teeth and maglites for eyes. Cut to the hunter. He’s actually a special forces cop. Out of breath, puffing into his shoulder mic. Sorry. I lost him. Repeat. I lost the target. He swears. It starts to rain. He takes his cap off, tips his head back. Closes his eyes to feel the cooling wetness on his face. Suddenly a bunch of crows launch themselves out of a nearby tree, making a terrifying noise. The cop wipes his face with the back of his shirt sleeve, puts his cap back on, levers a shell into the chamber. Moves on.

That’s the version I was taught, anyway.