cut to:

Delta Vega, planet of ice / that Kirk & Spock visited against advice / (Scottie has failed to beam them back twice)
they’re tied to a rock / bruised & shocked / up against the clock / shivering / acting tough but not delivering /
set phasers to defrost, says Kirk / with a smirk / just before a Drakoulia sets to work / with something like a giant spork / so totally brutally / that when Scottie / foul-mouthed and stroppily / checking his readings microscopically / chucks a handful of raw Trilithium / to jazz up his skanky tanks of Dilithium / and the transporter beams wail & warble / and the tractor beams treble & wobble / and the sliders redouble without any repetition of the earlier trouble / suddenly the transporter floor / is spattered with matter and assorted gore

the first lieutenant vomits into a bucket

fuck it, says Scottie / fetch us a mop / who’s next up for the captain’s job?