captain’s log

twelve years of tories and the country in shit
still there are people voting for it
which goes to prove if anything does
when push comes to shove
from the riot police
kettling the streets
keeping the peace
with a baton, a tazer and a pepper spray apiece
you can lead a horse to water
but if it won’t drink shoot it
just nature’s way
of saying reboot it

whaddya mean, that hurts?
it’s elementary captain kirk
you signed the contract, took the work
boldly going, etcetera, (jerk)
zero hours contract, phasers on stun
blasting just about everyone
whacked out on fancy mojitos
photon torpedoes
floating in a hot tub in star fleet speedos
you think the klingons care?
they know your crew’s through and your ship needs repair
you’ll need more than shields
with the star fields
so comprehensively bought and warped
at the end of the day you’re basically just transport

Ep. 1: The Bezos Configuration

Scrolling backdrop
of planets, stars and whatnot
::: Glow in the Dark Space Assortment Box
£5.99 / 2 left in stock ::::

Space – the final commercial frontier
these are the voyages of the Starship Enterprise
it’s tax free mission
to exploit strange new worlds
to seek out new life, new sales opportunities
to boldly grow where no business has grown before

Aaaah aaaaaaaaaaah, aaaah aaaahaaaahaaaahaaaah
dur-nur-nur nur huuuuur nur
(who said I can’t write music)


[ Captain Kirk
up for adventure, glad for the work
grunts, barely awake
slumped in his chair
lustrously fake hair
:::: Short Blond Wig for Halloween
Get it Tomorrow, October 15 :::: ]

[ Elon Musk
brilliant but brusque
eyebrows plucked
stares into a piece of techy kit
unemotionally analyses it ]

MUSK: Captain – we’re picking up activity
in the vicinity
of the Cardboard Nebula

KIRK: On screen!
( ::: 17.3 inch gaming monitor
save £6 with this voucher :::: )

[The monitor gives a worrying wobble
revealing a hooded and hobble
looking geezer
like an unleaded Vin Diesel
with a weasley kinda smile
like he’s been planning this a while
and in a coupla parsecs
you’ll be out on your arsecs ]

KIRK: (spitting) Bezos!

JB: Hello James
Please! No more games
Our instruments show
your reviews are low
so although
I’ll be sorry to see you go
Bezos is business, you know…

[ He fires a sudden and sneaky volley
of bullets from the shopping trolley
::: Nerf N-Strike Elite Disruptor
22 used & new offers :::: ]

KIRK: Cards up!
Scotty! We need more credit!

SCOTTY: Ah’m sorry Cap’n! I’m spending all she’s got but ah cannae change the laws of market forces…

MUSK: Captain. According to my calculations
we have ten seconds before account cancellation

KIRK: Scotty? Remember that uniform I got?
The one I thought would make me look hot
but for one reason or another unfortunately did not?
(:::: Cosplay Shirt, Gold, Black or Blue
£24.99 / four star reviews :::: )
Wrap it round a proton torpedo
beam it over on my signal…

[The package duly materialises
and before Bezos realises
what it meant
his ship gets splashed across the firmament]

MUSK: Enemy destroyed, Captain.
[Everyone claps him]

KIRK: (smirking)
I guess he got what he deserved.
Set a course for planet Earth
Mr Sulu
somewhere nice – try Honolulu
( :::: Ten pcs Hawaiian Silk Flower Lei
Free delivery with Prime next day :::: )

incident on delta vega

cut to:

Delta Vega, planet of ice / that Kirk & Spock visited against advice / (Scottie has failed to beam them back twice)
they’re tied to a rock / bruised & shocked / up against the clock / shivering / acting tough but not delivering /
set phasers to defrost, says Kirk / with a smirk / just before a Drakoulia sets to work / with something like a giant spork / so totally brutally / that when Scottie / foul-mouthed and stroppily / checking his readings microscopically / chucks a handful of raw Trilithium / to jazz up his skanky tanks of Dilithium / and the transporter beams wail & warble / and the tractor beams treble & wobble / and the sliders redouble without any repetition of the earlier trouble / suddenly the transporter floor / is spattered with matter and assorted gore

the first lieutenant vomits into a bucket

fuck it, says Scottie / fetch us a mop / who’s next up for the captain’s job?


star trick

they tumble out of the ship
kirk does a forward roll
comes to a cat-like crouch
set phasers to defrost, he quips
scans the perimeter for ice trolls
spock recalibrates his pouch

kirk waves for a red shirt
to check out that cave
the red shirt isn’t happy
they never get badly hurt
he mutters, rolled into an early grave
this zero-interest contract’s pretty crappy

still, an order’s an order
he tiptoes forward warily
an ice troll leaps out
sinks its teeth into his shoulder
both flailing and hollering scarily
until kirk phases them out

he’s dead Jim, growls mccoy
prodding the smoking red shirt with his scanner
didn’t stand a chance
kirk looks annoyed
I don’t like this planet
tell the others to advance

shame. I kinda liked that trevor
he almost earned a regular spot
spock interjects: I believe the human was called dave
kirk sneers: lance, burt, linus, whatever
the point is, spock, he’s dead and we’re not
now – d’you suppose it’s safe to go in the cave?