The three little pigs / decked out in cheap suits & wigs / strike out on their own for some fancier digs / what with the current economic contraction / the lack of monetary action / less addition, more subtraction / so they take a leap into housing construction
The big bad wolf / AKA Ralph / hairy grin and hairy laugh / takes a long-lens photograph / of the three pigs leaving the piggie shelter / stores it / claws it / hot paws it helter skelter / to his lupine friends in the private sector
The first pig builds a house of straw / not really understanding what straw is for / most of it ending up on the floor / thinking he’ll put the savings off-shore
Ralph turns up / says Yup / this ‘ll be easy enough / and anticipating snacking on crackling / coughing & cackling / shouts the hokey little rhyme / he likes to use from time to time
Little pig! Little pig! Let me come in!
: : : Not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
Then I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll blow your house in
Frankly – it doesn’t take much / I mean – you can hardly call it a house as such / the pig howls, bows down / Ralph chows down / belches, then looks around / for pig number two / to do something horribly similar to
The second pig builds a house of sticks / with a particularly mean & muddy mix / highly inadvisable for any first fix / which makes him money but cooks his chips
Little pig! Little pig! Let me come in!
: : : Not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
Then I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll blow your house in
The house collapses / the pig protests he’s paid his taxes / but by the time a single minute elapses / Ralph’s done eating and stands cleaning his glasses
The third pig builds a tower block / with flammable cladding and dodgy stock / a total health & safety shock / the subcontractors running amok / basically a twenty storey crock / the social housing that time forgot / the pig doesn’t give a backward glance / happily stuffing his saville row pants / with buckshee bucks and government grants
Now this is definitely the best pig yet / this pig I fundamentally get / says Ralph, his mouth already wet / from calculating the gross and net / the chauffeur driven car, the private jet / high tea with a baronet / in an oak paneled room with a string quartet
Little pig! Little Pig! You’re hired!
(Sorry about those pigs I retired)
Come huff and puff on the cigars I’ve acquired
The two of them go into the property business / trotter to paw with a crow to witness / happier than a pig at Christmas / until the courts get brave and serve papers / for gross negligence and other capers / so the wolf goes back on the earlier deal / squeals / shows a hairy pair of heels / leaves the pig spitting on a rotisserie wheel
