Welcome to the new world war / a little different to the ones before / which were just too damned destructive / brainlessly brutal & counter-productive / so in an effort to conserve precious resources / and save ourselves millions on military forces / I’m pitching a saner, alternative event / which I hope you’ll back one hundred percent

I’m a Demagogue…Get Me Out of Here!

Okay – so – all the world leaders / all the conflict pleaders / xenophobia breeders / rally rousing autocue readers / they’ll all be darted / before the conflict’s started / drugged and helicoptered / onto a tropical island we’ve adopted / to undergo the bushtucker war trials we’ve concocted / surrounded by cameras / concealed in bananas / fake cockatoos / pouches of kangaroos / hollowed out bamboos / and so on / giving the viewers plenty to go on / to see what these people are REALLY like / when they’re forced to hike / through inhospitable jungle / and struggle / to find water / or food / and shower in a waterfall in the nude / (that’ll be an extra / you can elect to / pay on top / of the subscription you’ve got / pretty niche I know / but there you go / so…. / if you wanna see Boris / naked in a forest….)

Terribly sorry – technical glitch / forgive the interruption and on with the pitch…

You’ll see Xi Jinping / trying to look cool and convincing / but undeniably wincing / as he sits before the steadicam / chopsticks ready and wham! / they take the lid off the dish / and it’s as terrible and horrible as you could wish / and you watch him carefully raise from the receptacle / a single, wrinkled deep-fried testacle / and after cursing all our yesterdays and tomorrows / he chews it once and bravely swallows

Hear Scott Morrison / chuntering on and on / about nuclear subs and rockets / whilst fondling a Dairy Milk in his khaki pockets

Watch Kim Jong-un / bellowing like King Kong / on a fraying vine rope / as he builds himself up to cope / with the horrifying grope / for tokens in the box / they’ve hung above the canyon of snap-happy crocs

Follow Joe Biden / playin’ hide n’ / seek / with a reaper drone in a bug-filled creek / whilst he’s forced to speak / his thoughts today / on truth, justice and the American Way / and what’s going on in Guantanamo Bay

See Vladimir Putin / using his shirt to carry fruit in / then go full Rasputin / when the vote’s finally in / and he’s out / a popular eviction without a doubt / his tough guy act completed / the entire Russian Federation defeated / which I think you’ll admit is harsh but fair / and the reason this season’s so populaire

Hosted as always by Ant and Dec
who’ll hand the winner a giant cheque
signed by the head of the United Nations
so that’s the format – any questions?