I’m Bear Grylls / running for the hills / with a bottle of vodka and a parka pocket full of pills

I’m the King of the castle struggling to explain / the dragon on the ventilator, the knight in flames

I’m James Bond / undercover in the pond / ducks on tux, holster full of fronds / eye to eye with a cute Russian newt / who draws a water pistol but cannot shoot

I’m Johnson Senior / Brexit dreamer / up to his chins in kleftiko and retsina / toasting home with a florid demeanour / passport, conscience & keys in the beemer

I’m a young hamster with his whole wheel ahead of him

I’m the deadbeat poet who fantasises / as the Tory party metastasizes

Render unto Caesar the things that are Caesar’s / I think you’ll find that’s the usual procedure

I’m Donald J Trump in an all night diner / speed-eating burgers in a riser-recliner / nothing could be finer / than to be in Carolina / with some hydroxychloroquine inside ya

I’m the microscopic big reveal / I’m a tardigrade on a catherine wheel

I’m a jellyfish raised in a jelly mould / whose comedy bulges are a joy to behold / but the Netflix series gets put on hold / when the hidden stingers are finally unrolled

I’m Batman sprawled on the batmobile / batpants buffed, batjackboot on the wheel / sexy batpout, naughty batwink / I’m Batman, baby – what’d’ya think?

I’m Timothée Chalamet’s terrifying scene / in a remake of 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea / when a giant squid faps with the submarine

I’m ET / increasingly uneasy / neck-stretchingly queasy / watching playback on the VT / gosh Stevie – is that really me? / I knew you wanted alien but … sheesh

I’m true crime scripts / I’m Bloods v Crips / I’m Professor Plum on the Ottoman with the Walnut Whips™

I’m a health & safety officer in a correctional facility / checking the electric chair connectivity / straps & utility / four leg stability / a gold star pass for profitability

I’m a legion of Lionels, a battlegroup of Dougs / I’m wandering the bootcamp desperate for hugs

I’m bored St Peter swinging on the gate / left for work early, came home late

I’m the Met police / off the record, off the leash / feet in boots and boots on beat / on heat / a dozen ziploc ties apiece / tried and trusted techniques / please ignore the random shrieks / we’ll be round for you in a couple of weeks