I finally finished my time machine
it really wasn’t that hard
I found some tetrafluoroethylene
and filled up in the yard

I kicked it into gear with my toe
roared off for the mid-Paleolithic
three hundred thousand years ago
if you wanna be specific

I was there before I knew it
parked the machine in front of a cave
a Neanderthal man came out to view it
He nodded his head; I waved.

Actually he looked a lot like me
short legs, tattoos, teeth
draped in a cloak that was hairy and scary
with nothing underneath

I stayed with the family a number of years
we hunted for buffalos and aurochs
they taught me how to make clubs and spears
I taught them basic hydraulics

We snacked on berries and mushrooms and roots
we got along just fine
they played me tunes on a bear claw flute
I played them Metallica & Rammstein

But Time is as cold as a glacier
they aged while I stayed young & fit
I had my bike to cheat nature
they just had to put up with it

In the end I knew it was over
I’d seen them through all kinds of scrapes
like that mammoth who trashed the enclosure
or that bear who clawed all the drapes

Or the months we were trapped in the cave
by a sabre toothed cat in the valley
but I trained him with scraps to do tricks and behave
and we called him Thomas O’Malley

They held a party when it was time to go
it was really quite a night
we danced around in the falling snow
and the flickering campfire light

They painted my picture with ochre
it was rough but complimentary
I brushed the snow from my motor
and roared back to the twenty first century

And now I’m reading a magazine
a dig that was strangely dramatic
Did Aliens Visit the Pleistocene?
(copyright National Geographic)