the 4 horsemen of the apocalypse on a zoom call

Everybody here?
No? Just waiting for Death to appear?
Okay. Fine.
The rest of you stay online
Famine? Honey? Try not to snack
your crunching gives me a heart attack
you know you can mute your mic
every now and again if you like
Okay? That’s great.
Did anyone know Death would be late?
Conquest? Sweetie? Adjust your chair
All we can see is a tuft of hair
That’s better!
Hey! Love the sweater!
Did you knit it?
Too shy to admit it?
But that’s your horse, right?
Your DOG? O-kay. Clever!
Stretching it a bit, but – whatever
Hi War! Glad you could make it
If you jump on your chair like that you’ll break it
I know you think this meeting’s a joke
but can you kindly adjust your cloak
I’ll find it hard to marshall my thoughts
staring at your boxer shorts
Finally! Here’s Death!
You look a little out of breath
you rattling old fruit
it’s not exactly a long commute
from grave to laptop
and by the way – blur your backdrop?
I don’t think I’m entirely alone
freaked by the sight of a mountain of bones
that’s better! So – thank you for coming
Famine? Did you want to say something?
Yep. We’ll break at ten
so you can nip out for a bite to eat then
Okay. Point Number One of the meeting
Climate change and global heating
Now as I’m sure you’re all aware
humans have fucked up the atmosphere
along with everything else
so the ice cap melts
the ocean rises
yaddah yaddah no surprises
populations under a lot more stress
and as you’ve probably already guessed
I’m going to have to increase your hours
I’m sorry! I’m sorry! I’ve got limited powers
I’m feeling just as tired and frustrated
this Apocalypse game’s getting complicated
Thank you. So. Point Number Two
I would like to propose another member to you
Yes! Yes! I know it’s always been Four
and Four is the number on the rec room door
and it’ll take a lot of costly work
to change all the Four Horsemen merch
but let me just tell you what I propose
and then we can count the yesses and nos
The fifth horseman of the Apocalypse is…..Johnson
Conquest? You’ve got a question?
He can ride a bike but can he ride a horse?
We’ll give that some serious thought, of course
It’s just – c’mon! – he’s so damned effective
promoting our global Apocalypse objective
we thought he warranted special status
a cloak and the usual apparatus
so whaddya think – can he join the club?
Death? You look annoyed. What’s up?
That’s true. Maybe his name does need finessing
Johnson might have the punters guessing
What about Waffle? Would that be okay?
Not exactly terrifying but what the hay
Waffle could be the thing that works
confusion dressed in crazy hair and quirks
so it’s Death, Famine, War, Conquest and Waffle
C’mon! I don’t think that’s completely awffle.
So all agreed then? Five it is!
Who’ll ride to meet him? Volunteers?

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