one man shares his horrifying story

lemme try’n describe ‘em to ya
they was like half clambake half petunia
legs all curly like croissants
not entirely unpleasant
ya know?
but this was some time ago
anyway I was all like ‘so I’m Damian
n’I’m guessing by the look of you you must be aliens’
yeah – turns out they was
and it seems they’d come down to earth because
they was looking for one or two people to probe
so it asked me if I minded n’ of course I said nope

yeah, well – they looked so intently
and me y’know I’m nothing but friendly

so they sucked me right off
to the funny little craft
that was hovering above the farm like a hat
or maybe a Chevy 82 stamp steel hubcap

once I was there they treated me real nice
showed me the probe but I didn’t think twice
I mean everyone’s got a job to do
I know that and I think you do, too
so they got to work with their funny little fingers
I could tell by their heads they were some fancy thinkers
brains the size of a water cooler
they probed me good no fewer
than eighteen, maybe nineteen times
making a lot of excitable signs
so I said okay fellas enough’s enough
I’m done with all this here probing stuff
so they flipped off the top of my skull
like it was really no trouble at all
and rubbed their fingers all over my brains
which cured me of my migraines
but still was kinda odd
and definitely not
a procedure I’d recommend
to none of my family and friends

time passed as time will do
they showed me pictures of their planet
I showed them one of the dogs and Janet
then all of a sudden they sent me back
in something like a fleshy sack
made of slime and guts
which seemed like a lot of fuss
but it kept me safe from burning up
when I found myself turning up
back in the barn
and found I’d been gone
only ‘bout half the night
when Janet turned on the porch light
and I showed her the marks
on my face and arse
which is when she gave a terrifying shout
threw my clothes in a bag and kicked me out

now – have you got what you need for this here documentary?
that’ll be fifty dollars, incidentally

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