what really happened that night


…I’m abducted by aliens / on the lookout for average-sized homo sapiens / they’re a cross between badgers and episcopalians / with cute lil’ paws and over-sized craniums / and their craft is saucer-shaped, of course / and it hoovers me up like a Dyson of sorts / with an attractively shimmering, tractor-beam force / that also appears to shuck off my shorts / so my quivering arse is already out / when I sprawl on the floor and flail about / on the transporter deck / where the aliens excitedly gather to check / whether I’m really worthy or not / to be put on the spot / and probed for whatever intel I’ve got / and of course I object / as they pull my t-shirt over my head / and lower me onto a titanium bed / slimed and ready / for their space tech-heavy / investigation / and I shout with indignation / There’s no justification / for this wholly unwarranted examination / but they go ahead n’ probe / and the house lights strobe / then after a while they hand me a robe / and I sit in recovery watching a globe / showing dreadful 70s sci-fi schtick / where the smiles are thin and the hair is slick / and the cardboard doors swoosh and stick / and the science guy’s cold and the captain’s a dick / and my head grows heavy and oddly thick / and the next thing I know / I’m back here groaning in the undergrowth / and that’s where the search party finally found me / and I’m free to speak to the reporters around me / and I’ve written a book on the whole damned business / and I’m happy to say it’s out this Christmas

E.T. Stanley

Stanley was recently abducted by aliens
skimming the forest for homo sapiens
but their tractor beam missed in the spooky fog
and they ended up with an annoying dog

as they closed the glowing cargo doors
and saw the size of Stanley’s paws
they probably thought they’d bagged a yeti
and screamed as he jumped up on the settee

they tempted him off with alien treats
then buckled up snug in their saucery seats
as the spaceship wobbled and sped away
about a million feet per second I’d say

but half way back to the Outer Nebula
Stanley started to whine quite regular
until they snapped and shot straight back
and beamed him down to the forest track

and how do I know this? well – luckily
I could see the whole thing from behind a tree
I mean – aliens are smart and pretty advanced
but handling Stanley? No. Not a chance

one man shares his horrifying story

lemme try’n describe ‘em to ya
they was like half clambake half petunia
legs all curly like croissants
not entirely unpleasant
ya know?
but this was some time ago
anyway I was all like ‘so I’m Damian
n’I’m guessing by the look of you you must be aliens’
yeah – turns out they was
and it seems they’d come down to earth because
they was looking for one or two people to probe
so it asked me if I minded n’ of course I said nope

yeah, well – they looked so intently
and me y’know I’m nothing but friendly

so they sucked me right off
to the funny little craft
that was hovering above the farm like a hat
or maybe a Chevy 82 stamp steel hubcap

once I was there they treated me real nice
showed me the probe but I didn’t think twice
I mean everyone’s got a job to do
I know that and I think you do, too
so they got to work with their funny little fingers
I could tell by their heads they were some fancy thinkers
brains the size of a water cooler
they probed me good no fewer
than eighteen, maybe nineteen times
making a lot of excitable signs
so I said okay fellas enough’s enough
I’m done with all this here probing stuff
so they flipped off the top of my skull
like it was really no trouble at all
and rubbed their fingers all over my brains
which cured me of my migraines
but still was kinda odd
and definitely not
a procedure I’d recommend
to none of my family and friends

time passed as time will do
they showed me pictures of their planet
I showed them one of the dogs and Janet
then all of a sudden they sent me back
in something like a fleshy sack
made of slime and guts
which seemed like a lot of fuss
but it kept me safe from burning up
when I found myself turning up
back in the barn
and found I’d been gone
only ‘bout half the night
when Janet turned on the porch light
and I showed her the marks
on my face and arse
which is when she gave a terrifying shout
threw my clothes in a bag and kicked me out

now – have you got what you need for this here documentary?
that’ll be fifty dollars, incidentally