I’m TroubleBox, Loathe Island, Britain’s Got Talons / I’m Eddie Redmayne vs. Amy Adams

I’m a terrifying Putin-Jinping chimera / I’m Insane in the Ukraine, the Untied States of America

I’m a royal pizza, a prince in the tower / I’m Maxwell and Epstein duetting in the shower

I’m the fast and the furious / versus the slow and the curious / temporarily out of stock, totally spurious

I’m the first of the last and the last of the least / I’m a Rees-Mogg tattoo with the number of the beast

I’m a prisoner on day release, a nun on junk / I’m doubly incontinent top of the bunk

I’m a five star general in T K Maxx / I’m Sunak in sling-backs fiddling his tax

I’m a hobnob, ginger nut, custard cream, twix / I’m rolling in the biscuit aisle screaming for a fix

I’m a short jog to the food bank / a Tory Donor card in a Russian tank / I’m Boris as a comedy Loris voiced by Mel Blanc

I’m older and fatter than the Greenwich Observatory / I’m in Cluedo purgatory / I’m the PM with the strimmer in the conservatory

I’m a parliament of puppets, a conference of owls / I’m John Wick in the sauna, mopping up with towels

I’m satan in a sandwich shop cutting up bread / spreading it with hummus and the souls of the dead

I’m breakfast with coffee (medium-roast) / Father, Son and Wholewheat Toast

Er-Hem…. Bless me father for I have sinned / and sorry my last confession went straight in the bin / but it didn’t sound like me at all / too much there for you to call / so to paraphrase the words of the great Ru Paul / it’s time for me to lipsync for my life / am I right? / I mean – fake it till you make it / you’ll either love it or hate it / but secretly I hope you rate it / ‘cos I dread the loss of Heaven, the pains of Hell / and anything else you’ve put aside for me as well / because I know I offended / and all your rather fatherly plans upended / and verily hath I my sincerest apologies extended / THERE! That’s it! – confession ended / are we sympatico or am I unfriended? / holy ghosted / royally roasted / but seriously – I swear I can change and put things right / just let me get some sleep tonight