I’m watching a queasy teaser / a savant detective finds a friar in a freezer / but the frosty geezer / looks familiar / it’s his long lost brother / who became a monk when he fell out with their mother / and the other brother / the ‘Tec / knuckled down and joined the Met / but ten years later he’s a psychic wreck / drinking to keep the demons in check / the whole thing looks like utter dreck / but there’s only one season so what the heck

I’m a confused robot / yes but no but / snarky / reverse parking / arse sparking / 3.1415 ding / getting hi on pi, thanks for asking

I’m making a cake for a crime correspondent / police line don’t cross, blood-red fondant

I’m Alice running after the Rabbit / saw the watch and had to have it / caught him, nabbed it / whacked him with a mallet / staggered round Wonderland with a growing cake habit / channelling my inner Phyllis Diller / every joke a one-line killer / that Humpty Dumpty – Jeez, what an egg! / that’s not what you want when you ask for head / some klutzy kingpin all scrambly in bed

I’m Donald Duck versus Donald Trump / wrestling for dollars on the Republican Stump / Proud Boys jacked, packing, totally pumped / standing by getting ready to jump / with Elmer Fudd and Wile E Coyote / strung out on Bud and Acme peyote

I’m caught between a rock and a hard place / i.e. basically another rock / so basically what I think you’ve got / is rock, then me, then rock / however you cut it, a bunch of crock / (maybe in another language / they’d call this thing a shit rock sandwich)

I’m Jiminy Cricket / ripping up his ticket / swinging off through the fake Disney thicket / told Pinocchio where he could stick it / dick / wishing on a star – I’m sick of it

I can’t think, can’t speak / I’m down on my uppers, up shit creek / sans hope, sans paddle / saddle sore & totally raddled / so I scuttle the canoe / what else can I do? / toss the red pill, take the blue? / Noooo nooo noooo

so

anyway

this is not the droid you’re looking for