I put the Frank in Stein, the Mork in Mindy / I’m Jacob Rees-Mogg with a kid up the chimney / I’m a flat-pack character, a no-good hack / a messiah for hire and coming back / with a clockwork cock and a brain to match / two left feet & rainbow thatch / so get on the blower and call dispatch / it’s your lucky day, people – I’m unattached

I’m habeas coruptus / government interruptus / many more suckers than you’d see on an octopus / but it shouldn’t be a shock to us / the cost to us / it’s nothing personal just profit & loss to us / heads I win tails you lose / turn the other cheek and take the bruise / make your bed or make your move / there’s nothing left for you to prove / be like Madonna, get into the groove

They say there’s one born every minute / promised the earth but the sky’s the limit / even if you don’t question what’s in it / you’re complicit / who cares how sweetly you timed the visit / If I die before I wake / I pray the lord to send tornadoes and earthquakes / the howling spirits of underworld namesakes / battalions of bugs roughly my birth weight / a couple of discount plagues would be great / okay? / hey? / whaddya say? / if you could get back to me some time today / sooooo / I suppose what I really want you to know / is I’m not some putz you can just let go

And lo! The terrible lightning flashes! / and the phoenix screams and rises from the ashes / but instantly flips and spectacularly crashes / well – we are where we are / another scorched hen propping up the bar / hell – I coulda been a contender / I just needed luck and some better weather / an arse-load of slightly less flammable feathers

So we break the glass and grease the locks / drag another puppet outta the box / Robin in a hoodie, a wolf in socks / Coma Beauty, Puss in crocs / a text just arrived from Goldilocks / diagnosed with Stockholm syndrome / forcibly sprung from the magic kingdom / a fairytale intervention / but now she says she misses the bears / on witness protection in wigs n’flares / sitting alone at the top of the stairs

I’m sorry – I had a bad dose of The Clowns / the virus gone viral and doing the rounds / I came out in squeaks and my pants fell down / vomited confetti / all over the settee / my smile red n’wild and my wigged brains heady / till I swapped my horn for a sharp machete / woke up with lions on the Serengeti

but enough about me – how are YOU?