mars trip checklist

a big box of tree seedlings
notepads and pens for daily meetings
some delicious chewy things
like licorice and wine gums
five guns
okay maybe just one gun
okay then no guns
a bunch of badges with hilarious slogans
like Mars or Bust
Terraformers are Us
or maybe God’s Okay but in Hydrothermal Power Generation We Trust
a chess set
a Sopranos box set
some hazelnut noisette
a toothbrush, pick and floss set
something else important here I forget
a dog and cat
in pet-friendly hazmat
a Welcome to Mars doormat
a floppy, anti cosmic and ionising radiation sun hat
a book on how to build your own waterless laundromat
a book on what people really mean when they say they just want a chat
an exercise bike
t-shirts to hang on an exercise bike
a rubbish chute to dispose of an exercise bike
a resourceful and impossibly cute robot called Mike
who has backpacks and jet sleds to go on a hike
whose enthusiasm levels can sometimes spike
so he’s got a big mute switch you can throw if you like
a ukulele
a book of ukulele chords to practice daily
a rubbish chute to dispose of a smashed ukulele
a safe room for people to think about why certain things trigger them disproportionately
and to understand there’s no transport back to earth for at least five more years unfortunately
some cute flags for waving
some baby cream for chafing
66,770 gallons of liquid hydrogen
a bumper pack of vitamins
some LSD and Ketamine
MDMA and Amphetamines
Hey? What do you mean?
Of course I’m clean!
I’m joshin’ with ya Geraldine
but yes – okay – a drug testing machine
some potatoes
some shelters good for dust tornadoes
some postcards from Barbados
to stick up on the windows
with blurry family photos
and those trips you made with your bros
look at those beautiful, crazy ass mo-fos
back down on Earth doing amazing things I suppose
who knows
Mars was here and someone had to go
Did anyone else volunteer? No
Who do we send? Jim
Just Jim
Jim and the Uke Duke, Tiny Tim
and his sister, General Geraldine
who send me instructions from behind a screen
but I know what they’re REALLY up to
which is why I’m playing a little game I like to call Oxygen Interrupto…

[…this is where the transmission stops;
we’ll tell you more when the rescue ship docks

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