James Bond in a care home / catheter emptied, hair combed / ready to roll but the mission’s postponed / indefinitely / hello there Jimmy! / how d’ya like your tea, my lovely? / no – don’t tell me / shaken not stirred, sweetie / what d’ya mean, too milky? / oh please! / someone’s a double O tease / c’mon and gimme ol’ Moneypenny a squeeze

Stares at the film but the theme song’s wrong / volcano blown and Blofeld gone / white cat flat, monocle bent / cold grey lava clogging the vent / and poor old Goldfinger / fortune gone, health through the wringer / hauled out of bed in a blingy slinger / pistol mimes with his index finger

heard about Le Chiffre? / threw in his hand and lost his teefre / gives the carers no end of grieffre

and Scaramanga / disinhibited, problems with anger / crashes his smoking Bentley banger / into an oak tree back of the manor / three times a tit / the doctors can’t seem to do anything about it

Raoul Silva / sits all day watching Bob the Builder / slyly smiles when the postman delivers / waves through the window but inwardly shivers

Hugo Drax / shovelling benzos, confusing his facts / absolutely cannot relax / till he’s sorted the planet and his income tax

Oddjob sobs / can’t work the knobs / on remote controls or kitchen hobs / sits all day on the rocker and bobs / his bowler hat throbs / till he swallows some caps and the trembling stops

Rosa Klebb / trips on a step / now she’s held a captive in bed / her feet in casts and a bandage on her head

Max Zorin / keeps on fallin / pushing his emergency button and callin / his family all in / can’t put any more support in

Jaws yawns / stares out emptily across the lawns

Welcome to Dementia, Mr Bond
I like it already