I’m a bat in a graveyard, a rat in spats / I’m tense and nervous and I can’t relax / I’m Suella Braverman in the Conservatory with The Axe / flak jacket and rucksack / boat quotes and kickbacks / and more and more I’m drifting off track / lost in despair & alternative facts / feeling the rope go dangerously slack

I’m driven to distraction, riven by cramps / I’m Rishi Sunak and the Practice Amps / I’m Charlie Three with a book of stamps / I’m the lamps going out all over Europe / interest rates soaring up / survivalists storing up / society needs shoring up / but wait a minute – stop / it’s okay / I’m sure America will lead the way / Democrats kicking Republican butt / as Trump goes feral and limbers up / for one last run at the White House Cup

I’m a butcher bashing through bone and gristle / with a teary eye and a cheery whistle / sausage rolls and nuclear missiles / saying okay I think this’ll do / now is there anything else I can get for you? / something warm to roast the rowdies? / planes and drones for our friends the saudis? / I like to keep my customers happy / (show me complaints, I show you the alley)

I’m Elon Musk and the Dead Sea Trolls / I’m democracy with parental controls / The Rapture with sliders and parasols / a TikTok Putin with barbie dolls / that’s so droll / now shut your mouth and pass your bowl / sprechen sie deutsch? hablas español?

I’m a puppet on prozac, a PM on sticks / I’m a glue for crosses called Crucifix / I’m a total numpty, a clown, an eclipse / I’m David Blane on a train without tricks

I’m a paparazzi mosquito / I’m Nicholas Cage in leopard print speedos / reel after reel of egos in tuxedos / who knows / it’s how it goes / everyone looking for a prince, I suppose / increasingly desperate to find n’kiss / any frog who’d be happy with this

I’m a gimp in a hard hat, a puss in boots / I’m the Met police with a bunch of recruits / who know when to taser, when to salute / who to wave through, who to shoot / who to chat to, who to mute
photo sharing
grievance airing
joke comparing
long hard staring
sizing you up for ankle tag wearing

I’m all the glory, none of the pain
I’m available for after dinner speeches again