Author: jim clayton

initiate fettuccine protocol

~ jim clayton ~ Leave a comment

the hotel receptionist
is professionally bright
despite
the plush corporate death
of his surroundings
he wears a large yellow badge
on his lapel
but I’m too scared
to lower my eyes
to read it

ask me anything he says
anything at all

is there somewhere nice to eat
I say
for some reason
putting one hand on my hip
then regretting it
but too self-conscious
to lower it again

depends what you mean by nice
he smiles
unnaturally still
like a chameleon
whose disguise
for the fly
is a suit and tie

I see a flicker of distraction
like his attention
is divided
50% to the smile
50% to the pushing of a button
beneath the desk

and that badge
that badge is probably
a camera
BADGE CAM
(admissible in court)

I don’t know,
he says
what do you normally eat
fettuccine?
do you like fettuccine?
is that the kind of thing?
fettuccine?
there are some italian places off the high street
do you like italian?

yeah I say so long as it’s easy

italian’s easy
he says
VERY easy
try the italian places he says
if you like fettuccine
definitely

he’s said fettuccine so many times now
I feel tangled

Oh my god
the sly dog
HE’S USING HYPNO-PASTA ON ME

the return of the tripe stick kid

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when I rattle the harness Stanley knows
it’s walkin’ time for the two amigos
amblin’ easy heading west
on the bluebell trail we love the best
but jes’ hang on a gosh darn second now
being as how they’s a mess a’cows
haulin’ hoof in yonder field
so I keep ‘em peeled
keep Stanley on the lead
sure not wantin’ me no stampede

I stay focused
and one thing I notice
thems ‘ain’t the usual friesian
thems a whole other other dairy demon
a couple dozen ‘ornery ayrshires
tho’ could be herefords to be fair t’ya
they look this way with a mean complexion
we head off quick in the other direction

maybe they think I’m the gosh darn’ farmer
or some other kinda cowboy charmer
either way I guess it mighty politic
to dodge into the other field double quick

‘course – they up hoof n’follow us
swing round suddenly and corrall us
between a hedge and a fallen tree
and lawsakes I think it’s the end o’me
hell – I’m no expert but even I know
if you’re cornered by cows you let yer dog go
so I unclip his lead and he dives thru’ a gap
to save himself and get help perhaps
then I turn to address the advancing beasts
and per’pare myself the good lor’ to meet

the next thing I know Stanley’s galloping back
shooting his gums at the dairy pack
like a gosh durn sheriff riding to my assistance
and the herd hauls off to the lush green distance

‘mighty obliged to you, pardner – that was neat’
as I hand him a plug from my bag of treats
and I straighten my hat, and I scraggle his head
‘I’m thru with cows; let’s see bluebells instead’

status update XXII

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Tick tock tick tock / here comes the man that time forgot / back to front and hot to trot / but somehow also kinda not / missing the high notes, running on the spot / but wait – no, it’s gone / the end is over before it’s begun / the skeleton magician tapping his wand / waggling his phalanges to The Great Beyond / saying the magic words: Happy Cadaver! / the body disappearing and yeah, mate – whatever / smiling on cue to the flashing cameras

I think the The Three Musketeers put it best / All for one and fuck the rest / I don’t pay fines or speak to the press / it’s all so predictable, too distressing / treat ‘em mean and keep ‘em guessing / this democracy shit’s just goddamn depressing

But look! Here’s one of me in my diving suit / so tight it’s a fright but also kinda cute / hosepipe helmet and big lead boots / happy as can be / all at sea / sailing out to where the city used to be / singing / the bells are ringing / for me n’ my world

Sheesh! I really am some flat pack character / in need of a screwdriver / multivits and a criminal barrister / called Henry McAllister / whose dad was a bum and his mum was a minister / yeah – so what – I’m addicted to rhymes / add it to the list of my literary crimes

Reading the news on the travelator / A Stitch-up In Time Saves A Big Lie Later / Judge Gives Birth To An Alligator / Cesar Millan Lets Slip The Dogs Of War / NOW we know what all the training was for / singing hey diddle diddle / MPs on the fiddle / Musk flies over the moon / the little dog laughed to see such fun and because it was generally non-compliant with its antipsychotics

A butterfly flaps its wings and boom / that little change in pressure in the combat room / means the whole charade is over too soon / Extinction swirls her cloak and beckons / by means of fingers like nuclear weapons

Charlie Brown / spins around / his one hair straight as he hits the ground / stabbed in the back with a pen all gloopy / his dying words? Et tu, Snoopy?

Please make your way to the poetry exit / the lines are now closed (applause expected)

a whole new me

~ jim clayton ~ Leave a comment

my nose
I chose
from the snouts on show
at www dot schnozz direct
absolutely perfect
100% no quibble
100% no dribble
don’t snore with it
adore it

my chest
I select
whilst logged on as guest
at www dot tits dot net
best you can get
natural heft
right and left
fills my T
totally me

my teeth
I believe
I’ll eventually receive
from www dot gnashers dot com
cost a bomb
clean n’white
chew alright
confident smile
wild

my skeleton’s
by Peloton
guaranteed American
laser knit
snap fit
bye bye wheezies
hello PBs
lithe n’limber
winner

my brain
I obtain
from the popular domain
www dot noggin dot biz
no fuss no fizz
a range of programmes
to maximise the I-Ams
plug n’go
pro

Stanley the Lurcher shares a few comforting lines on Death

~ jim clayton ~ 2 Comments

Isaac Newton, Cleopatra, Shakespeare – all died
No wonder I’m reluctant to go outside

Dying is as natural as scratching your ears
it just goes on a few more years

Death is the undiscovered country from whose bourn no lurcher returns
just a few less treats and a few more worms

I think I speak for most dogs
when I say there’s no such thing as ghost dogs

Verily did’st I meet Death waiting in the market
and ventur’d most bravely to tug its cloak and task it
What is Death? And lo! it did blow a wormy gasket
so loudly did it laugh-eth
and ghastly did gaspeth
embarrassed was I the joke not to graspeth
tempted to say forget my question – sorry I ask’d it
for I woulds’t feel bad if Death suddenly cark’d it
but Death doing its best its corpsing to mask it
sayeth Why! Death be but a snooze in an underground basket!
(and I came from that place thinking Death may be sick
but jes’ ‘cos you’re eternal why be a dick)

Stanley the Stoic

~ jim clayton ~ Leave a comment

If you would wish to improve,
seek not to move
overmuch
from the sofa and such
but be content
to be thought ignorant

Happiness consists
in being able to resist
the worming tablets
they hide in your dish

No lurcher is truly free
until they are unclipped from the lead 

Lurchers are not disturbed by things
excepting children with violins

There is only one way to happiness
and that is to cease
worrying about treats
that are unavailable to eat
beyond the power of our will
in a tupperware box on the windowsill

The key is to keep company
only with dogs who uplift you, 
whose presence calls forth your best
(I’m not great with collies, but I’m okay with the rest) 

We have two ears and one mouth
so we can listen twice as much as we speak
(also a tail
which is useful as well) 

It’s not what happens to you
but how you react to it that matters
(it wasn’t me that left the sofa in tatters)

welcome to the island

~ jim clayton ~ Leave a comment

[Aeaea is pronounced Ay-Ee-Ah; Circe is pronounced Sir-See]

[Enter CIRCE, to greet ODYSSEUS at the gates of her island mansion]

Welcome, welcome to Aeaea!
the island of vowels
that sounds like the howl
of a hungry wolf or hyena

Welcome, welcome to Aeaea!
it’s really SO lovely to see yah
You’re off on a quest?
I’ll do my best
to follow you on social Medea (….it’s a Greek joke, Odysseus… lighten up… she’s my niece, fer chrissakes….)

Odysseus, Odysseus!
Why so mysterious?
C’mon – whaddya think about pigs?
D’you like them squealing
not so appealing?
d’you like them stinking and big?
I feed mine
on treachery
and lust
and despair
and I plait their tails
and I comb their hair
and stuff them full of the most succulent figs!
honestly, Odysseus – the worst thing I did
was spoil them like kids
I’ve got specialist tailors
who dress them like sailors
so don’t be surprised
if you stare in their eyes
and think you see someone
who looks like you guys
Imagine if that could be true!
Imagine if that could be YOU!
Wouldn’t THAT be a lovely surprise?

I’m Circe
here at your bidding & tender mercy
dinner’s served sharp
at the sound of the harp
you’ll hear the girls play at eight thirty

what a racket

~ jim clayton ~ Leave a comment

mum was a certified sales witch
something which
ordinarily shoulda made her rich
but sadly didn’t
she had to keep her magical skills hidden
because of a certain stringent clause
in the local retail witching laws

I know all this, okay,
because sometimes on a Saturday
I used to stop
at the grotty sports shop
where she worked
and I’d lurk
at the back
while she tended the racks
of rackets and bats
and sporty shit like that

I remember one particular customer
morbidly muscular
tattoos & bruises
like life had used
him very cruelly
but he wasn’t bothered unduly
being usually
the meat meting out the cruelty

mum smiled
poor guy

DARTS! he said
scratching his head
like he’d rather be using a dart instead

I blinked
time seemed to shrink
but before he or I had time to think
he was staggering back through the door
with a Winmau pig bristle dartboard
Viper tip tungsten darts, of course
dumbbells, shuttlecocks, trainers & shorts
like he played about a million sports
including snooker, as I watched him disappearing,
judging by the fancy cue he was swinging

supersize me

~ jim clayton ~ Leave a comment

I can date my dread
of people laughing at the size of my head
from the Earls Court Motorcycle Show, 1975
here’s why:

I was thirteen
didn’t have a machine
but my eldest brother did
so I needed a lid
to go on the back
and anyway, I thought it’d be whack
if I walked around with a lid
so people would think I was hard and not just some kid

I went to the Lynx helmet stand
manned by a fierce, wildly bearded man
with a smile as welcoming as a bad case of trismus
a guy who dreamed big but knew it wasn’t this
Try one on he said
it wouldn’t remotely fit on my head
Hmm he said You need a bigger size
weighing me up with his whiskery eyes

he rummaged around then handed me another
but even though I struggled
the only way it would fit
was if I buttered my ears quite a bit
Hmm he said You need extra EXTRA large

I had a sudden urge
to run

but here he was handing me another one

He stared as I struggled to pull it down
I mean – it looked nice
he was selling them at a discount price
but it’d be like paying to put my head in a vice

the man gestured to the crowd
who’d gathered around
to see the spectacle
of the Helmet Clown at the motorcycle festival
That’s it said the man
I’ve done all I can
Your head is some kinda medical wonder
Have you considered trying a Kitchen Colander?

father, son and holy snooze function

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And Jesus said
Can’t I just get a few more minutes in bed
Don’t roll the rock back yet
I’m not quite ready for what’s ahead

And God didst spake
Lord give me a break
We’ve been over and over what’s at stake

And Jesus by way of replying
spaketh he only asketh for a tiny lie-in

And God didst grumble
and his Earthly realms did rumble
and many expensive artefacts did tumble
from miscellaneous shelves
and many people did busy themselves
with a great clearing up
whilst peering up
into the heavens
and coming out with choice expressions

Thou dost know what’s at stake
God mightily didst spake
the difficult decisions I have to make
so givest thou shroud a shake
and let’s gettest going for goodness sake

So Jesus did
as he was bid
but kept his face hid
which annoyeth God not a little bit

And suddenly Jesus flamed
You’re insane
he proclaimed
Mankind’s a pain
Why do we have to play these games?
I know you do floods
You do floods pretty good
If I could do floods right now I’m pretty sure I would

And God didst sigh
and was so long & drawn out with His reply
Jesus thought he could easily have had 5 minutes more shut-eye

At last God spaketh : Okay – I set a precedent
but I admit back then I was a touch Old Testament
I’ve done a lot of work on myself since then
Can we not drag all that up again

Just saying sayeth Jesus
But just between us
next time someone needs crucifying
YOU take the nails, I’ll take the lie-in