a shaggy wolf story

The three little pigs / decked out in cheap suits & wigs / strike out on their own for some fancier digs / what with the current economic contraction / the lack of monetary action / less addition, more subtraction / so they take a leap into housing construction

The big bad wolf / AKA Ralph / hairy grin and hairy laugh / takes a long-lens photograph / of the three pigs leaving the piggie shelter / stores it / claws it / hot paws it helter skelter / to his lupine friends in the private sector

The first pig builds a house of straw / not really understanding what straw is for / most of it ending up on the floor / thinking he’ll put the savings off-shore

Ralph turns up / says Yup / this ‘ll be easy enough / and anticipating snacking on crackling / coughing & cackling / shouts the hokey little rhyme / he likes to use from time to time

Little pig! Little pig! Let me come in!
: : : Not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
Then I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll blow your house in

Frankly – it doesn’t take much / I mean – you can hardly call it a house as such / the pig howls, bows down / Ralph chows down / belches, then looks around / for pig number two / to do something horribly similar to

The second pig builds a house of sticks / with a particularly mean & muddy mix / highly inadvisable for any first fix / which makes him money but cooks his chips

Little pig! Little pig! Let me come in!
: : : Not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
Then I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll blow your house in

The house collapses / the pig protests he’s paid his taxes / but by the time a single minute elapses / Ralph’s done eating and stands cleaning his glasses

The third pig builds a tower block / with flammable cladding and dodgy stock / a total health & safety shock / the subcontractors running amok / basically a twenty storey crock / the social housing that time forgot / the pig doesn’t give a backward glance / happily stuffing his saville row pants / with buckshee bucks and government grants

Now this is definitely the best pig yet / this pig I fundamentally get / says Ralph, his mouth already wet / from calculating the gross and net / the chauffeur driven car, the private jet / high tea with a baronet / in an oak paneled room with a string quartet

Little pig! Little Pig! You’re hired!
(Sorry about those pigs I retired)
Come huff and puff on the cigars I’ve acquired

The two of them go into the property business / trotter to paw with a crow to witness / happier than a pig at Christmas / until the courts get brave and serve papers / for gross negligence and other capers / so the wolf goes back on the earlier deal / squeals / shows a hairy pair of heels / leaves the pig spitting on a rotisserie wheel

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rick’s drey

There’s nowhere to park on Moreton Street, not even space to pop the car up on the narrow pavements. So I leave it on the wider road at the top along by the railway line and walk back down. I don’t mind, though. The sun has swept out from behind the clouds and the day has come alive. This street is a private and pretty exclusive tributary these days. The old buildings down here, the workshops, the chapel, the railway cottages, they’ve all been meticulously renovated, their brickwork blasted, their roofs made good with slate or thatch, every window and sign and gate made new again. It’s all so ruthlessly authentic, though, it makes me feel a little self-conscious, like I’m walking through a film set. There’s a postie delivering mail the other side of the street, and even he looks like he just stepped out of make-up.
‘Good morning!’ he says, touching the brim of his baseball cap.
‘Good morning!’
‘Lovely day!’
‘Isn’t it?’
(We may have to re-shoot that; I could do better with that last line.)

Rick lives in a flat at the very top of The George pub at the bottom of the street. The George is a relic, an old Helmstone boozer, one of the last old corner pubs still pulling pints. There’s astro turf in the yard at the back so you can sit at the tables under the outside heaters and pretend you’re in the country. They’ve painted the exterior walls a chi-chi, slate blue. They’ve even put dried grass in vases and lines of old books in the window. But if The George was struggling before the pandemic, it’s looking pretty hollow-eyed now. The whole place has an abandoned feel. It’s hard not to think that when the virus has retreated, time will be called for the last time, the scaffolding will go up, and the repurposing will begin in earnest.

It’s been hard getting in touch with Rick. The mobile number I was given turned out not to work, and I had to do some detective work to find an alternative. He definitely needs our help, though. He had some major surgery recently, he’s struggling to get about, and there’s no-one around to help him with the basics.
‘I’ll meet you at the street door,’ he says. ‘It’ll take me awhile to get down, so give me five minutes at least.’
When he does appear, he’s on two elbow crutches.
‘Could you do us a favour?’ he says. ‘Could you go to the newsagents and get me a bottle of Coke, a packet of crisps and The Daily Star? Thanks, mate.’

*

Rick is as lean and gnarly as an old whippet – if a whippet could live for sixty years working as a hod carrier, tattooing its legs and arms with blurry women and daggers and swallows, smoking spitty little rollups. Apart from his orthopaedic surgery, though, Rick is remarkably fit. His grey hair is so short and square cut I can only think it was done with a chainsaw, and his tan is so deep the bones must be scorched. He talks quickly, and his eyes sparkle like flinty chips.

‘Thanks Jim, thanks,’ he says, throwing himself down on his bed with his bad leg kicked out straight. I put the paper, the drink and the crisps down next to him. ‘Thanks a lot, mate,’ he says. ‘Cheers! I was gasping. Now then. Let me tell you what’s been going on with me. No! Sorry! Where are me manners? You first! You go! Go on! I’ll shut up. Who are you, then? Apart from Jim? Or Jimmy, is it? Nah – Jim. James when you’re in trouble. Just Jim, then. Aah – Jim Lad. Yeah. Sorry.’

Ordinarily he’s thoroughly independent. His flat is tucked away just under the tall chimney pots on the roof, as remote and contained as a squirrel’s nest at the top of a pine tree. For a man who’s lived all his life going up and down ladders it seems pretty appropriate. For a man on crutches  the next couple of months, it’s a practical difficulty.
‘I can’t keep asking Billy to get my shopping,’ he says. ‘It’s embarrassing. He’s got his own shit going on. I just can’t keep doing it. Know what I mean?’
‘Have you got any family?’
‘Nah. Not any more. It’s just me. Which is okay most of the time.’
‘So – what happened with the accident?’
‘Well. Funny story. I was running out to go down the bookies when I tripped and fell arse over tit down the first flight of stairs.’
‘Ouch!’
‘Tell me about it. It hurt like a bastard but I thought I’d just bruised myself or pulled something. So I crawled back up to the flat, which took all morning. Lay on the bed, and that was it. I was there all day and night. Couldn’t move or nothing. Eventually I thought I had to do something or I’d starve. So I made it over to the door but the pain was unbelievable. Couldn’t go no further. It was just too much. The door was shut and the key was up on its hook by the side – see? Where it is now? Luckily, I had a crutch propped up in the corner from when I dropped a brick on my foot a few years ago. I used that to knock the key off its hook and then drag it towards me. Another bit of luck – there was a pen and a paper on the table just above me head. I play the horses. You follow?’
‘That was lucky.’
‘It was, Jim. It was. So I knocked that down with the crutch, wrote a note what said I need help. Rest the key on it, then shoved it under the door. When I heard Billy across the landing come back, I banged on the door with the crutch. He come over, saw the note, let himself in, found me in a state, called the paramedics. And that was me sorted.’
‘Amazing.’
‘Sometimes I think – what if I hadn’t had that brick drop on my foot that time, so I had to have a crutch? And then – what if I’d given the crutch back when I should? It was only ‘cos the crutch was in the corner I could do them things what I did and get help. Otherwise I’d have croaked and they’d have been seeing flies coming out under the door and not a scrap of paper.’
‘Maybe.’
‘So somebody up there loves me. Hey, Jim? Somebody loves me.’
He adjusts his position on the bed and winces with the pain. ‘Although – having said that – not so much they wouldn’t trip me up and throw me head first down the stairs in the first place.’

unsuccessful delusions of grandeur

I’m Phony Morrison
Charles Thickens
Edgar Allen Nope

I’m Walt Shitman
e e goings
T S Bellyache

I’m Charlie Chaplout
Clueless Fairbanks Jnr
Liable & Hardly

I’m Lazy David
Bob No Hope
Phyllis Duller

I’m John Le Non
Bo Deadly
Negative Prints

I’m Minimum Monroe
Least Witherspoon
Meryl Stroke

I’m Partly Smith
Stevie Nix
Madowner

I’m Freezer Kahlo
Flaky Emin
Yoko Oh No

I’m Steve Jobless
Mark Suckerberg
Nil Gates

I’m Won’t Smith
Bad Pitt
Loose Willis

I’m Nicola No It Isn’t Urgent
Novice Johnson
Mere Starmer

I’m Muddled J Trump

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dave says it’s tricky

Avondale.

Sounds beautiful. Magical. I bet the architect was a fan of Lord of the Rings. You expect to see an ancient castle draped in moss and mist, with strange, long-legged birds circling and crying overhead, a plangent waterfall and so on, elfcetera, elfcetera. Instead what you get is an anonymous, pre-fab block just off the high street, tucked away behind a phony Italian restaurant. It’s only been up a year or so but already it has a tired, beaten-down kind of look, strips of tape over the intercom where the buttons have fallen off. If the same architect had worked on Helm’s Deep, I don’t think Saruman would’ve needed much more than a couple of orcs and a wheelbarrow to tear the place down.

The one magical thing about Avondale, though, is its uncanny ability to screw up the SatNav. The app doesn’t recognise the postcode at all, and ends up recommending you ‘make a u-turn’ and then ‘make another u-turn’ so that if you were truly dependent on it, you’d end up simply driving in a circle at the bottom of the high street until you ran out of fuel or the police threw stingers down.

I know all about Avondale, though.
I’ve been here before.

Cherry lives on the first floor with her little Jack Russell, Dave. Cherry has a long list of health problems, from mental health and self-harming to morbid obesity, diabetes, breathing problems and recurrent infections, and she’s been referred to us many times in the past. She’s got a reputation for being difficult, but I think because I make a fuss of Dave whenever I go there she takes it easy on me.

‘Cherry was pretty sick this time,’ says Michela, the co-ordinator. ‘She went in with an exacerbation of COPD, but then self-discharged against advice. She was so bad they gave her home oxygen. So can you pop-in, see how she’s doing? Get her to sign a non-concordance form if necessary.’

*

Cherry is propped up in bed watching CSI. The first thing I notice – after Dave has finished leaping madly around my legs – is that Cherry’s wearing a nasal cannula connected by a long, plastic tube that snakes across the bed to an oxygen cylinder by the window. The second thing I notice is the fag in her mouth.
‘Erm … Cherry? You really can’t be smoking when you’re using oxygen.’
‘What? Wha’dy’a mean?’
‘You’ll blow yourself up. And everyone else. You’ll send Dave into orbit. Honestly, mate – you’ve got to put the fag out.’
She shrugs, pinches the end out, and rests it carefully on the ashtray by the bed.
‘Thank you,’ I say. ‘I’m sorry to be so blunt about it, but you absolutely cannot smoke with oxygen around. This whole place’ll go up.’
‘I only have one now and again. It’s not a problem.’
The heaped ashtray and the smoky fug in the room tell a different story. I know I’ll have to report this to her GP and the Community Respiratory Team as soon as I’m back in the car, but for now I move on.

Dave is on the bed now. He rolls onto his back so I can rub his tummy, his tongue lolling out with the ecstasy of it all.

‘So how’ve you been?’ I say to Cherry. ‘Sorry to hear about your recent hospital trip.’
‘Yeah – well. What can you do? They said I had to go. I didn’t want to. I mean – what are they going to do about anything?’
‘I don’t know, Cherry. But to be fair, they do seem to have done quite a bit. Put you on IV antibiotics, sent you for chest x-rays, got you back on your feet.’
‘Yeah, but they didn’t, did they? Look at me!’
‘It says in your notes you self discharged against advice. Is that right?’
She shrugs.
‘They made it impossible. It was noisy. I couldn’t sleep. They wake you up every five minutes to fiddle about. The nurses were rude. The food was unbelievable. I mean – you’ve got to be really sick to want to go to that place.’
‘That’s true. And from the sounds of it – I think you were pretty sick. And still are.’
I unclip the SATS probe from her finger.
‘Your oxygen levels are terrible, Cherry – even for you. And that’s five minutes after you came off the oxygen.’
‘Yeah – and I’d still be on it if you hadn’t said.’
‘It’s a choice, though, isn’t it. No oxygen and low SATS, or oxygen and burst into flames. Isn’t it, Dave? Isn’t it…?’
Something suddenly occurs to him, because he flips himself upright again, hurls himself off the bed, and skitters off across the laminate flooring into the kitchen.
‘Oh my God! Wait for it,’ says Cherry.
There’s a single, loud squeak from the kitchenette, and then Dave hurries back with a red, rubber bone in his mouth. It’s so big he can’t make it up on the bed again without a boost from me. As soon as he’s there, though, he chows up and down on it, making it squeak as regularly as a monitor in a hospital for clowns.
‘God – it’s noisier than the ward,’ says Cherry. ‘And before you say anything, I don’t care, I’m not going back.’
I look down at Dave.
‘What do you think?’ I ask him. ‘What do you think mummy should do?’
He stares up at me, panting excitedly, flicking his eyes without moving his head…. down to the bone…. up to me…… down to the bone…up to me.
‘Dave says it’s tricky.’

if I go I go

Malcolm doesn’t have a phone. Not one that works, anyway. So all you can do is pitch up and hope for the best.

It’s a fair bet he’ll be in, though. For one reason or another he’s had a series of falls – getting dizzy and going over at the bus stop, the queue at the post office, the supermarket. They’ve put him through the usual tests, given him a pacemaker, a range of medication, a walking stick. He’s been to countless follow-up appointments (falling over on at least two of them). He’s had a new hip. If you x-rayed his arm you’d see two plates and a line of screws. All in all, he’s a walking (and falling) phenomenon. All they can really do now is adjust his meds from time to time, and maybe dress him like an American football player when he wants to go out.

‘Come on in, why dont’cha!’ he says when I knock on his open door.

He’s bent over a boiled egg and crumpet, working away at it, his good elbow pointed straight up.
‘Lovely!’ he says, leaning back and wiping his chin. ‘Now,’ he says, waggling the eggy spoon in my direction, ‘you can’t do no better than an egg in the morning!’

These days Malcolm’s flat is pretty down-at-heel. Casting your eye about the place is like sending a deep water drone through the wreck of the Titanic – a settled and claggy sediment over every surface. Despite his straitened circumstance he declines all offers of help, though.
‘I keep myself to myself,’ he says. ‘I don’t do too bad.’

There are two black and white pictures on the wall behind him: Malcolm as a young man in the army. The first picture is of his unit, posing in full uniform in four rows; the second is a blow-up of the same picture, zooming in on Malcolm and the guys on either side. It’s hard to see any likeness, though. Both pictures are so faded, it’s disconcertingly like someone’s dressed a row of mannequins in uniform, the peaked caps emphasising the blankness of their faces.

‘I’ve jes’ got to nip down to the laundry room,’ he suddenly announces. ‘You don’t mind, d’you? Only the other fellas’ll be gurnin’ on about it.’
Before I can even offer to go for him – it’s down two flights of stairs after all – he’s pushed himself up from the armchair and set off.
‘I’ll come with you’ I say, hurrying after.
At least he lets me go down the stairs first.

When I take his bed clothes out of the dryer they’re so hot I have to juggle them around.
‘Done!’ he says, slamming the dryer door in a blast of superheated, fabric conditioned air. ‘C’mon, fella!’
And we’re off again.
He nods at the manager’s door.
‘Furloughed,’ he says. ‘Alright for some.’

‘You can pause on the landing,’ I say, chasing after him back up the stairs, almost tripping on the bottom sheet. ‘There’s no rush.’
He waves his hand in the air – which I’d rather he’d use to hold on to the rail.
‘Feck it. If I go, I go,’ he says. ‘You can catch me in the sheets.’

Back in the flat, he tells me to dump the stuff on a chair by the bed. It’s only then I notice his bed is heaped up with what looks like skeins of shredded cotton. It reminds me of the bedding my hamster Horace used to have, how he’d scuffle it all up and then bury himself in the middle.
‘Are you sure you wouldn’t want someone to look in on you, Malcolm?’ I say. ‘We could get you some new bedding, if you’d like?’
‘That’s kind, but I’m okay,’ he says, throwing himself down into the armchair again. ‘Phew! That little jaunt took it out of me. You’re spinning like a regular Father Christmas!’
‘Father Christmas? Why? Does he spin?’
Malcolm rests his head back and closes his eyes.
‘I don’t know, fella,’ he says. ‘I don’t know. It certainly looks that way to me now.’

Chapter 15: Lunch at the Bitch Cafe

Dog Heaven – Too Many James Bond Films – What Dogs Do on the Beach (other than that) – Tide Brutality – A Useful List of Cross-Breeds – What the N in RNLI Really Stands For – An Idea for Curing Arachnophobia (you’re welcome) – Two Guys & an Essex Port – Wall of Fame – Collies Getting Smaller – Food Order Getting Cold

paw print

We walk along the beach heading for a seaside cafe we’ve heard is dog-friendly. We keep Stanley on the lead, because there’s just too much going on, too much distraction. This whole resort seems to be some kind of dog heaven and we feel like we’re among our people. For some reason it makes me think of friends of ours who became obsessive triathletes. They bought a timeshare on an apartment in a training resort at Lanzarote. Which I have to say made me feel a little uneasy when they showed us pictures. Long lines of super-fit athletes, exercising in unison in the early morning sun. Scientists in white coats, smiling approvingly, taking measurements from a balcony, announcing the best times over the tannoy, calling people forward, travelling with them in electric buggies to the lab at the heart of the volcano. Guards up on gantries, a rocket, yadda yadda. You’ve seen the film. Anyway, plots to rule the world aside, timeshare can really tie you down.

There are dogs everywhere, leaping off the dunes, splashing through the shallows left by the retreating tide, careening round the windbreaks, surfing, kayaking and whatnot. Stan had a busy time running around out on the flats this morning, so he’s happy enough on the lead, and anyway, he seems to know we’re heading in the direction of food. We stride along the damp, compact sand of the strandline, along by heaps of broken shells and things, washed-up jellyfish drying out in the sun. A dead white crab waggling in the shallows, belly up. It’s like every time the tide goes out there’s a mass extinction event. But there’s such a stack of all these things I can only think there’s plenty more where that came from. The gulls and terns seem happy about the situation, piping and swooping exultingly overhead.

We hear the cafe before we see it. A great mass of noise, a Tower of Babel, except more like a Tower of Tables, with at least half a dozen hyperactive dogs per table.

Dogs, dogs, dogs. It’s the dress code at the Beach Cafe. You have to have one to eat. Don’t worry if you don’t, though. There’s a retired chihuahua behind the counter you can use, like an old tie in a fancy restaurant.

Dogs, dogs, dogs. Dogs of every variety. Sheep dogs, sausage dogs, GSPs, ESPs (bred to know where you’ve hidden the treats); surfer dogs; instadogs posing with an espresso and a French novel; border collies & collies from further inland; poodles, labradoodles, cockalabs, labacockercollies, cockatiels. There’s even a rare labarridor (a labrador born in the corridor). The cafe is right next door to the lifeboat station, which is a nice touch and makes it feel safer. I imagine when the klaxon sounds, six Newfoundlands throw down their forks and leap across the forecourt into an inflatable.

We approach the cafe with a thrill of anxiety. It may have been my imagination, but the great hubbub stops as we approach, thirty pairs of dark dog eyes snapping in our direction, thirty tongues doing an anticipatory smack of the muzzle as we head up the slope to see if there are any tables free. For a dog that sometimes has issues barking at other dogs, Stanley seems remarkably subdued. Maybe his usual responses have been overwhelmed. A bit like curing a fear of spiders by walking into a spider convention where everyone’s dressed as a spider and then shuffling into a little cinema draped in spiderweb to watch a film about spiders. Although having read that back to myself, I’m not so sure it’d work.

Amazingly there is a table free, way over to the left of the place, with a candy-striped awning and plenty of shade. The girls settle-in, Stanley slumps down under the table, and I go inside to place our order.

The queue takes an age to move. I can’t figure out if the two guys in front of me know each other or not. They’re dressed almost identically, in sandals, khaki shorts, polo shirts and baseball caps. The only difference is the colour of the shirts, and the fact whilst one guy is tall and drawn out, the other is a foot or so shorter and kind of squashed looking, with a belly so perfectly round you’d think he was carrying another guy in there, and so on, like a blokey matryoshka. The tall guy is talking at great length about Tilbury docks, the fabulous resources they have there, the tonnage, the history and so on. The short guy gives just enough in the way of Hmms and Okays and Reallys? to keep the whole thing going, but I can tell his heart’s not in it. He seems more interested in the cake display than a major international shipping facility just outside of London.

There’s a Wall of Fame just inside the cafe. You can email the cafe a picture of your dog and if it looks crazy enough they’ll pin it up (taking down the ones that are starting to look a bit dog-eared.) It’s an impressive collection – a hundred crazy hounds, blurry head shots of every dog that’s ever been slipped a corner of fried toast or the end of a sausage from the plate of the wonderful all-day breakfast.

Back outside, Kath is talking to the woman at the next table who has two little black and white dogs lying up against her legs like furry slippers.
‘They’re actually Bordoodles,’ the woman says. ‘Border Collies crossed with poodles. To make them smaller and more manageable.’
‘They’re gorgeous!’ says Kath.
‘And they know it!’ says the woman, leaning down to fuss them between the ears. ‘Don’t you? Hey? Don’t you?’
‘Number Thirty-Seven!’ shouts a guy holding two plates of food.

And I have to fight my way through a pack of wolves to get to it.

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fossil eyed

it was late afternoon
when I cut out across the dunes
heading for the crumbling cliff head
and its famous, fossiliferous, geological beds

my first find was indecent
definitely more recent
than the early cretaceous
more the raw material of the whole petrifying process

a seal carcase
stinking up the place
more or less intact
except the head had collapsed
into a gawky kind of grimace
like the seal was embarrassed
to be found dead on the sand
its flippers terminally fanned
its eyes all I don’t know
the sorry sockets stripped out and on show

‘grin and bear it’ mum used to say
when things weren’t going my way
well – the seal was definitely grinning
as if life was a joke with no end and no beginning
though strictly speaking the poor thing was beyond any bearing as such
and the way it looked you’d have to say
it was baring a little too much

 

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Chapter 14: To the Coast

A stop off – Meeting Amelia – A Good Long Stretch – Groomers’ Perks & Quirks – Gender Identity – Queen Victoria vs. Gladstone – Mean Bones and How to Spot Them – Rescues take Patiencepaw print

En route to the coast for a short break we take a detour to see my mum. The whole visit gets quite a build up. Mum’s keen to meet Stan, but she’s a little anxious, too. She’s been reading the blog and knows he can be a handful. She’s worried he won’t get along with her dog, Amelia, a miniature Schnauzer with a big personality, a dog who’s taken on such mythic proportions since mum got her a few years ago, I wouldn’t be surprised to be met at the door by a particularly hairy woman in a peaked cap, holding out a paw, demanding to see our papers.

We make it to mum’s in good time. The girls have made brownies and cinnamon biscuits, so we take them out into the garden to have them with mugs of tea, sitting under the porch awning when it starts to rain a little. Stanley stretches out on the grass, sighing theatrically, extending his legs like his paws are on invisible strings and there’s about another three feet of leg in there somewhere. He’s been cooped up in the car for hours, apart from a brief stop for coffee and a comfort break. Somehow we’d ended up in a dodgy tributary of the motorway services, the car park of an abandoned motel, pulling up next to a pile of soft toys fly-tipped on the verge, like some other family were forced to off-load all sentiment to have any hope of completing their trip. But I don’t believe in omens. Just coffee.

Amelia keeps a close watch on him from behind mum’s recliner.

‘The woman who grooms Amelia is so good,’ says mum. ‘She’s won competitions. Even taught grooming. But she only charges twenty five quid, which I have to say is pretty reasonable. Don’t you?’
‘Sounds about right.’
‘Stanley would cost more because he’s bigger. Does he shed?’
‘Yeah – he does. Especially in the summer.’
‘Amelia doesn’t shed. I couldn’t have a dog that sheds. Because of the asthma. Is she a lurcher?’
‘He. Stanley’s a male lurcher.’
‘But she’s got such long legs.’
‘He. He’s a he. Yeah – a lot of them do. Depends what he’s crossed with. Maybe a gantry crane.’
‘More like a labrador.’
‘Yeah. Probably.’

Between you and me, though, I have to say, despite the groomer having won the Nobel prize for grooming or something, Amelia looks a little bottom heavy, a thick frill running all the way around the middle. When she walks it kicks up like a Victorian crinoline skirt. With that grumpy and beetling frown on her face, she even looks a bit like Queen Victoria, hurrying across the croquet lawn to take a swing at Gladstone with a mallet.

‘Amelia is so friendly with other dogs,’ says mum. ‘She’s a bit put out she can’t just go up to Stanley and be friends.’
‘It’s not Amelia, though, mum – it’s Stan. He’s had nine years of neglect, don’t forget. His legs were so deconditioned he could barely walk for fifteen minutes at a stretch. Who knows what he’s been through? It’s not surprising he’s got a few issues.’
‘I don’t understand why people mistreat dogs like that,’ she says, taking a swallow of tea. Then after a pause – ‘But I did think they might get on. I thought they could be friends. Amelia seems very wary of Stanley. Do you think he’d hurt her?’
‘It’s best to be on the safe side,’ I say. ‘He’s had a long drive in the car, he’s on another dog’s patch. There’s a chance he might get a bit scratchy.’
‘Well I don’t understand it,’ says mum. ‘Amelia is so good with other dogs.’
‘It’s like I say – it’s not her, it’s him.’
‘I mean – she does bark a lot, but she hasn’t got a mean bone in her body. They can see she doesn’t mean any harm.’
‘Best be safe, though.’
‘How old is she?’
‘He. Stanley’s a he.’
‘Sorry. All dogs are bitches to me. How old is he?’
‘Nine.’
‘Nine!’ she says. ‘Ah.’ Then after staring out across the garden awhile, says: ‘Shame, though. I did hope they might get along.’

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the house next door

I can’t see if the house next door is empty or not
it’s a pretty shady, shambolic kinda spot
the holiday let that time forgot

there doesn’t seem to be much coming or going
no lights in the windows at night showing
there’s really no way of knowing

I’m tempted to walk up the overgrown drive
knock on the window and peer inside
have my curiosity satisfied

but what if I saw myself in the gloom
an elderly man sat alone in a room
in smeary makeup and clown costume?

Would the old me scream and look away?
honestly – it’s impossible to say
but I don’t think I’ll be going there today

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