a rotten truth

these are the guys / that wear the ties
the greys and blues / and shiny shoes
that follow the rules / of the public schools
to swell the ranks / of the boards and the banks
the traders’ hubs / and members’ clubs
and shake the hands / and share the lands
and sign the deeds / and pedigrees
of title & worth / blessed at birth
fed, protected / securely connected
to rich placentas / in city centres

these are the rest / that do their best
that follow the norms / in uniforms
of jeans and boots / and cut-price suits
passed through the system / so fast you missed ‘em
the makers and breakers / the tryers and takers
the leavers & schemers / the weekend dreamers
who feel the bite / when margins are tight
confined, dependent / resigned, redundant
the first to burn / when they finally learn
their messiah was deaf / and it’s prophet with an F

IMG_0934

no dog walk

poor Lola
stress yawning
losing three molars
and a cyst
at the vets
this morning

she lies on the sofa
in a post-op stupor
wearing an old t-shirt of mine
(I didn’t mind
it was kinder than a cone
and wasn’t the nicest t-shirt I owned)

lying in that rumpled T
she looks a lot like me
before first coffee
staring mournfully
blinking slowly
each eye working independently

worryingly

she watches me put my boots on

I feel bad
she looks so sad
like I’m the Great Betrayer
grabbing my camera bag and phone
about to go on a walk on my own
saying
good girl see you later
phony as an alligator
wily, scaly, lowly
backing out the back door slowly

I thought I might go somewhere new
but somehow end up walking where we usually do
across the recreation ground
over Broken Tree Hill, down
to the stream with the ruins and the ferns
up the rooty path that turns
by the field with the cows and the crows
where the warm wind blows
through the high summer grass
to enter the wood at the broken fence
by the fallen chestnut and the badger setts

and for a moment I think I can see
Lola standing there, waiting for me
like she often will, her nose in the air
and the moment she sees me there
she turns and hurries on into the shadows

and I follow

IMG_0933 (1)

going home

The old, shadowy, three storey Victorian townhouse is the last one left in the line to be re-developed. Whereas the neighbours either side are smartly painted and appointed, have patios, architectural plants, chimeneas, vine-hung arbors, off-road parking, the old house staggers on with the archaeological scars of the last 150 years: a dilapidated gate you go round and not through; a rusting iron bench, a chunk of obsidian beside an unmade path, a horseshoe nailed to a yew tree. The whole thing has a blasted, portentous feel, like someone built a family home on the hill at Golgotha – and then realised what they’d done, and walked away.

‘Margaret’s coming home to die,’ says Philip. ‘She’ll be here in a minute.’

Philip is an old family friend. He’s known Margaret all his life – when she was a retired music teacher and he was a child student, come to learn the piano, reluctantly climbing the dusty slope to the front door, little knowing he’d still be doing it fifty years later.
‘She’s amazing for her age,’ he says, putting the finishing touches to the room. ‘The only pills she takes are Senna. And you have to crush those up in secret.’

Philip shows me into the room she lives in now – the only occupied room in the entire house. It’s been set up as a micro-environment: bed, zimmer frame, commode, armchair for sitting out in, health permitting, to stare out of the window at the busy road below and beyond, the vast bright spread of the city.

It’s a poignant experience, standing in this room. The piano she last played a dozen years ago when she was ninety is now an extempore stand for photos and wet wipes and sanitary products. Around it, quietly disappearing into the muted walls, a selection of photographs of ancient vintage, sepia family groups, Edwardians in suits and bowler hats lounging awkwardly on the grass; fading figures in boats or on horses; matriarchs in severe black dresses promenading along a sea wall, fishing boats with sails in the bay; men in huge moustaches and braided uniforms; a woman in a tweed suit and upswept, tortoiseshell glasses, smiling up at the camera, a pen in her hand.

We hear the ambulance crew struggling up the path, so we go out to help them.
They carry her into the house on their portable chair, a decrepit royal on a bier.
‘Where d’you want her?’ says one of them, sweating.

* * *

Later, when Margaret’s settled and we’ve brought in all her things, the same ambulance man kneels down in front of her and holds her hand.
‘We’re going to go now,’ he says, loudly and slowly, ‘but we’ll leave you in the care of these good people.’
‘Let me tell you something,’ says Margaret, pulling him towards her. ‘You have a very rare gift – the ability to give people complete confidence, and to put them at their ease.’
‘Well – that’s very kind of you,’ he says, blushing. ‘Thank you very much. No-one’s ever said anything like that to me before.’
‘That’s a shame!’ says Margaret, patting his hand and releasing it. ‘Everyone needs a little encouragement, don’t you think?’ She looks around the room, sees me, and leans back.
‘Now. What in the devil’s name is THIS?’ she says.

hanging around

On the third or fourth day of our honeymoon in Sicily
we took a bus out to the Catacombe dei Cappuccini
a place where a bunch of mummified cadavers
– priests, princes, painters, whatever –
had been hung on the walls in their various vestments
in an early kind of tourist investment

A yawning attendant took our euros
We shuffled past the curios

I’d been quite nervous about the trip
what if I saw all the bodies and flipped?
unable to cope with the presentation
of DEATH in all its manifestations
but it’s funny how quickly DEATH loses its sting
when DEATH is literally everything
the rows of children in dusty smocks
a gaping priest in an open box
huddles of monks with their hats on a slant
a shrunken admiral; a desiccated aunt
men in suits, women in shawls
lines of musicians hung on the walls
playing their drab and wormy violins
with empty sockets and vacant grinsIMG_0923

and really, y’know – we could do without it
we quickly got quite blase about it
Death the Destroyer; The Great Unknown
It all comes down to a souvenir of bones
‘What will survive of us is Love’
(and a green frock dress and a calfskin glove)
so we hurried past the painter, the corpse with the hunch
and thought about an early lunch
hurried out of the Catacombe dei Cappuccini
and crossed the road for some fettuccine

houseplant of darkness

I wasn’t being politically correct. I just didn’t feel comfortable calling it ‘Mother-in-Law’s Tongue’.

I mean, for one thing, I got on with my mother-in-law really well. She was kind, supportive, interesting, inspiring, good fun – in fact, as far from the caricature as it was possible to be. So calling the houseplant by that name felt like a betrayal. It’s something I’ve come across a few times in the past. Names for things that hang around too long, a fragment of grit in the soft parts of an oyster, accruing a showy veneer, a superficial value. I’d rather just spit the thing out and start again, with a new word.

Cathy, the shop assistant in the garden centre, was sweeping up. It was hot in the houseplant section, humid as a rainforest, bland music overhead instead of birds. Cathy was wearing a large button badge: Here to Help, but it should really have said Here to Sweat. She was sweating so much I wanted to sit her down and run off to find water, maybe a mountain stream in the patio furniture department or something. I could fill a coconut. There was a silvering sheen running right and left from under the collar of her forest green polo shirt, down over her sternum, plunging into the ravine of her décolletage. How she was going to get through the rest of the day without IV fluids I had no idea. Hopefully she was on a half-day.
‘Yes?’ she said, wiping her forehead with the back of her hand and then not so much leaning on her broom as propping her entire body up on it.
‘Have you got any Sansevieria?’IMG_0917
‘Some sansevi-what?’
‘Sansevieria. I think that’s what it’s called.’
She shook her head.
‘What’s it look like?’ she said.
‘I think it’s other name is Snake plant.’
‘Snake plant?’
‘I think so.’
‘Never heard of it. Show me a picture.’
‘It’s a really common houseplant,’ I said, pulling out my phone and going into Google history. ‘Tall and thin. Green, yellowy. You can’t kill it, apparently – which suits me. Low maintenance. There!’
I show her the picture.
‘So it’s Mother-in-Law’s Tongue you want?’
I hesitated.
‘Yep. That’s it,’ I said.
‘Follow me.’
She led me through a three-tiered jungle of Cheeseplants, Dragon Trees, Spider plants, Figs and cacti, to a shelf of Sansevieria of differing sizes.
‘There you go,’ she said. ‘Mother-in-Law’s Tongue.’
The one in the middle looked about the right size for the windowsill, so I took it down.
‘I’ll need some compost to go with it,’ I said. ‘What do you recommend?’
‘I’d recommend not re-potting. You can see – look – it’s got a fair bit of growing in there before it needs potting on.’
‘Yeah – but – I don’t like the pot.’
‘What d’you mean?’
‘Well it’s plastic. I’ve got one at home that’ll be really nice.’
Cathy shakes her head, and the drip of water that had been collecting at the end of her nose drops away. It’s like she’s watering the collection all by herself, just by wandering round.
‘Has it got a hole in it?’ she says.
‘Yes. It has.’
‘At the bottom?’
‘Well – yep. And I’ll put some shards of pot in the bottom to improve drainage, too.’
I thought that would impress her, but she gives a little shudder.
‘If you have to,’ she says. ‘Me? I would NOT repot it.’
‘I suppose I could just drop this pot into the nice pot.’
‘People do,’ she said.
‘It’s just – it wouldn’t look so great. This pot I’m thinking of – it’s only just a little bit bigger. I think it might be alright.’
‘Suit yourself,’ she said. ‘I can only advise.’
I felt awkward. It was easier adopting a dog from the RSPCA. It wouldn’t have surprised me if she’d insisted on a home visit, to see where I was going to put the plant. What plans I had for it when I was out.
She watched as I picked up the Sansevieria in one hand and a small pack of houseplant compost in the other and headed for the tills, warning shrieks all around me now – hers, or the capuchin monkeys in the canopy, it was impossible to tell.

* * *

In the car, I put the Sansevieria in the well of the passenger seat, using the compost bag to wedge it in place as best I could. It looked a bit shivery as I turned the engine over, so I tried to reassure it.
‘You’ll be fine in the new pot,’ I told it. ‘Don’t listen to her.’
But I could feel Cathy’s giant eyes superimposed on the sky above the glass canopy of the garden centre, following my car as I turned out of the car park: Cathy Kurtz, sweating, distractedly pulling off her wig, passing a hand backwards over her shining head: The horror! The horror!

 

sig

tangled up in brown

I let myself in with the key from the keysafe.
‘Hello? Jack? It’s Jim, from the hospital…’
The bungalow is profoundly quiet, a heaviness to the air, cloying top notes of sweat and something else, the noxious atmosphere accentuated by the solitary drilling of a fly. Curtains drawn, a soupy brown half-light through drawn curtains. A door at the far end of the hallway standing open.
‘Hello…?’
Into the bedroom. The single bed on my immediate left rumpled up, nothing on it but a soiled bottom sheet, rucked up with a bias to the left; the contents of the side cupboard spilled or spilling; a chaotic pattern of smeared brown stains on the white wardrobe doors and across the floor – and then Jack, naked, lying on his back on the floor beside the bed, a lit desk lamp clutched to his chest, the cord tangled around his arms and legs. At first I think he’s dead, but then I notice a trembling in his abdomen, intermittent breaths, and when I touch him on the shoulder nearest to me, he shudders, opens his eyes and stares straight up at the ceiling, smiling in a beatific way, as if the touch was the answer to a long vigil of prayer.

I call for an ambulance once I know he’s breathing and stable. Even though they say they’ll do their best to get here quickly, and despite his poor condition and the likelihood of a long lie, he’s still only a medium priority and there’s a chance the ambulance may get diverted to something else. In the meantime I set about trying to assess Jack more thoroughly, and make him more comfortable. I put blue overshoes on, a plastic apron, gloves, and set to work. I turn off the lamp and gently disentangle him from the lead. After a quick top-to-toe that seems to exclude any obvious fractures, I use whatever pillows and bedding I can find to put under and around him to ease his position. I run a quick set of obs. I’m just about to go into the kitchen to find a beaker for water when Jack’s son Joe arrives. Joe is shocked by his father’s condition, but he manages to contain it for the future in the cause of setting things right in the present.
‘He was fine when I put him to bed at half seven last night,’ he says, putting on the overshoes and gloves that I give him, then helping me shift the furniture around to make room for the ambulance crew. ‘He’s had this UTI recently. The antibiotics haven’t been touching it. He was hallucinating about cats last night. He said the house was full of ‘em. I was going to talk to the doctor today to see what the plan was.’
He looks down at his father, and shakes his head.
‘Why didn’t you press your button, dad?’
Jack opens his eyes again and makes some incomprehensible sound.
‘He’s pretty dehydrated. I was going to give him some water,’ I say. ‘It’ll have to be in a beaker, though. His blood pressure’s quite low and I’m wary of sitting him up too much.’
‘I’ll see if he’s got one somewhere,’ says Joe, and pads off into the kitchen to find one.
Meanwhile I fill a basin with soapy water, get some dry wipes out of my bag and start cleaning Jack up. He’s in a terrible state. I’m guessing he must have had several episodes of diarrhoea through the night, the smear marks on the floor and wardrobe where he scrabbled around ineffectively. His hands are caked, his long nails thickly rimed, his body filthy – even the lamp is covered in smeary hand prints where he’s hugged it over night – for warmth, or light, it’s impossible to say.
I start work on his face and hands.
The ambulance arrives.
A paramedic walks into the room, clutching a clipboard.
‘Oh my good God!’ he says. And then, looking at my apron and overshoes, adds: ‘I don’t suppose you’ve got any more of those, have you…?’

invasion of the body politic snatchers

There’s a greenhouse
back of the White House
long, blond tables
trays of dollars & roubles
planted with presidential cuttings:
a golfing pin
a toenail
a cufflink
really – anything’ll do it

shut the door and I’ll talk you through it

once a month
President Trump
meets with a secret scientific team
of the highest horticultural esteem
with micro-harvesting machines
everything scrubbed & clinically clean
for the collection of presidential material
animal, vegetable, mineral
from the screaming chief imperial
which they spray with a potent, patent POTUS solution
then take to the greenhouse to grow in seclusion
row upon row of orange seedlings
(warmed by the light of FOX in the evenings)

and the strange flowers grow
& swell into pods in portly rows
red leaves on top
tendrils that flop
until they’re fine and fat and ready to pop
when out will drop
a line of half-formed Trumpettes
blind & bland as a bunch of courgettes
but ready to take on the exact dimension
of anybody you happen to mention
(all you have to do is plant them in a bed
with access to the person’s head
a little water, a day and a half at best;
the trumpy tendrils will do the rest)

I’ve watched a procession of military crates
shipped at night through the White House gates
to target all those countries and states
that have the gall to celebrate
all the things they hate

I’m telling you man
It’s a world-wide plan
the patriarchs and oligarchs have hatched
with Trump at the heart of the vegetable patch

and

THEY’RE HERE, ALREADY! YOU’RE NEXT!

IMG_0915

 

 

 

 

 

(inspired by & last line quote from ‘The Invasion of the Body Snatchers‘ 1956)

getting to be good

If you stepped out of the general press of the pavement traffic for a moment, stopped and really looked at the street – maybe somewhere out of the way, in the shade of this plane tree – you might see how things have gone along here, how the street was developed over the years. Some old fisherman’s cottages further down, tucked away from view now; two rows of Georgian townhouses, mirror opposites on either side; three Gothic red-bricked houses with dragon finials and black and white floor tiles, and then a lumping sequence of tall, rectangular blocks – art deco, modernist, brutalist. Accompanied by a jerky, stop-start animation of men in straw hats, flat caps, baseball caps; women in bonnets, beehives, sunglasses; horses and buggies, bread vans on bicycle wheels, cars with fins, electric cars…

John and Velma live in the basement of one of the red-bricked houses. It’s strange to think that when the houses were built in the mid-nineteenth century, all the bricks would have been delivered by horse and cart. Now it’s just me walking up the driveway, dragging a pull-along suitcase of equipment, a bag over my shoulder, an ID badge swinging from my belt.

Waiting at the back door for an answer, I can see the house has fallen on hard times. The Victorian bell-pull has been painted over so often it looks like it’s been moulded out of fondant icing, and a handful of other vintage buzzers exist only as empty bakelite brackets or waterlogged plastic shells hanging by the wire. The only buzzer that looks remotely patent doesn’t light up when I press it, so I face that familiar dilemma: Do I ring again, more positively, in case it hadn’t worked before? Do I wait longer, knowing that John has mobility problems (and guessing Velma has gone out)? Do I phone again – knowing full-well that if John is halfway to the door, he’ll only turn around and slowly go back to answer it? Because it’s been a little while now. I’ve looked around some – seen the buddleia and hart’s tongue ferns sprouting out of the brickwork; seen the sun-bleached Father Christmas grinning helplessly amongst the denuded forks of the dead Christmas tree in the pot; wondered about the sequence of events of breakages and repairs to the stained-glass panes of the door.
I ring the bell again.
Five minutes later I give in and phone.
‘Yes?’ says John, immediately, as if he’s been waiting there all along.
‘Hi John. It’s Jim – from the hospital. I’ve rung the bell but I wasn’t sure if it’s working or not.’
‘Yes, I’m coming,’ he says. ‘Sorry. I’m a little slow.’
An age later there’s a glimmer of movement through the miss-match of panes, a shuffling sound, the ghostly image of a hand reaching forwards, the door gives a shudder and swings open.
‘Hello John!’ I say, gently pushing it wider. ‘It’s Jim, from the hospital.’
‘Yes, you said,’ he says, a broad smile behind an enormous beard every bit as Christmassy as the figure in the plant pot. ‘Please come in. Sorry I was slow, but…’ He shrugs. I’ve read the notes. John has cerebellar ataxia. Any kind of getting around is a struggle.

* * *

Velma is busy in the kitchen as I finish off the visit. She’s as thin and active as John is heavy and slow. It’s like the balance of their relationship has tipped physically as well as emotionally, Velma radiating energy, John turning inwards.
‘I like my consultant, though,’ says John, widening his arms and hands, as if the consultant were a hologram he was conjuring in his lap. ‘When I asked him what causes this, he said in my case he just doesn’t know.’
‘I suppose it’s better to be as clear as you can about these things.’
‘Absolutely. I want the truth. What else is there?’
We chat about the things our service can do to help, the physio and occupational therapy.
Velma hurries through with a trug of washing on her hip to hang outside in the garden.
There’s a knock on the door – which I think Velma must have left open when she got back – because there’s a Hello? Delivery? and seconds later a hesitant guy in a yellow vest pops his head round the door and waves a clipboard. He looks at me for a response, but before I can say anything Velma rushes back in.
‘Let me show you,’ she says. They both go down the corridor, into the kitchen.

* * *

On my way out, I look in on Velma to say goodbye. She’s standing surrounded by swathes of clear plastic wrap, cardboard panels, polystyrene blocks. Towering over her is a new fridge-freezer. I can’t imagine how she’s going to cope with finding space, let alone moving it.
‘Do you want a hand…?’ I say – with some hesitation, I have to admit. I’ve got other patients to see; this’ll take some time.
‘No, thank you,’ says Velma, wiping her forehead with the back of her hand. ‘I’m getting  good at this.’

mandy’s eyrie

Mandy’s flat is at the top of the block – so much so that the lift doesn’t extend there, and we have to walk the last two flights. It makes me think of an osprey’s nest, a junky bundle of sticks wedged in the uppermost branches of a pine. The nest is made up of old music magazines, Janice Joplin posters, empty cans, unpaid bills, unopened nutritional milkshakes, and the osprey itself is a haggard, featherless old bird, smoking a roll-up, staring unblinking over the city.

‘I’m a singer’ Mandy says, her voice so broken she can hardly talk. ‘Or was. ‘scuse the mess.’

She offers us a seat – a dirt-shined cushion in a sixties wicker chair, and a spot at the end of the crapped-up sofa. Standing isn’t an option, but at least this is the last job of the day.
‘Thanks’ I say, and we both – slowly – sit down.

I hardly know where to start. We’d come to see Mandy as a double-up as the notes on her file described how she’d been hearing evil voices telling her to tear herself and other people up.
‘But don’t worry. A and E did a risk assessment,’ said the co-ordinator. ‘No history of violence, and they don’t think this was a psychotic episode, as such.’
‘As such?’
‘No. More to do with alcohol withdrawal. So doubling up should cover it.’

I’ve never really understood the doubling-up rule. The way I see it, it doesn’t matter how many people you send in, someone’s going to get hurt. If anything, having other people with you only acts as a distraction. Although it does make me think of that joke about the two rangers walking in the forest, talking about the danger from grizzly bears. ‘Because they run pretty fast, you know.’ ‘Yeah?’ says the other. ‘Well I don’t have to run faster than a grizzly bear, Chuck. I just have to run faster than you.’
But I suppose it means there’ll be a witness

The other thing frustrating thing about this particular call is that Mandy goes out. A lot, according to reports. She gets drunk, then spends her time wandering the corridors of the block shouting and causing trouble. There’s an on-going spat with an ex-boyfriend who has recently moved in with another woman on fourteenth. And any number of substance abusers scattered through the block mixing things up – socially as well as chemically. All in all it sounds like a recipe for chaos, and not something that’s going to lend itself to regular, well-apportioned community care. At a time of severe underfunding, it seems crazy to throw resources at a patient who has the capacity to decide whether they drink or eat or take drugs or not. It’s a lifestyle choice – however severe that choice works itself out in practice.

But our community health team doesn’t have the latitude or leverage to protest. The referrals come in, we go out.

The brief is to establish regular contact with Mandy. To get carers going in every day to encourage her to eat and get her used to some regularity in her life.
‘It’s only until a more regular provider can pick up’ says the Co-ordinator.

‘I’m sorry I wasn’t in earlier,’ say Mandy. ‘I had to go to the doctor’s.’
‘Oh? How did you get there?’
‘Taxi,’ she says. ‘Well they’re not going to come here, are they?’

skipping nightmare

IMG_0912 Here comes a figure with a low-slung cart / long white fingers, coal black heart / hauling his load down the dark city road / spits to the left, spits to the right / stops at the cemetery gates at night / takes his shovel, takes his sack / digs all the bones and throws them in the back / there’s a pelvis, a femur, backbone and humerus / tibia and fibula and others too numerous / he works all night by the light of the moon / then he takes all the bones to the catacombs / where he stacks them high, he stacks them low / the skulls in a line so they’re all on show / one’s the pastor, one’s the clerk / one’s the gardener who worked in the park / that’s the doctor, that’s the king / and that’s the end of my skip-ping