the name of the fox

Ray answers the door. I know from the referral he’s eighty something, but if you snatched a look on a foggy night after falling out of the pub you could be persuaded he was twenty-four. His skin has a deep leathery tan, hair dyed black, swept up in what would have been a substantial quiff in the late fifties; his teeth suspiciously even, cardboard white, his flowery shirt unbuttoned to the navel, revealing a slew of chains of differing lengths and thickness, pendants of silver and gold, crosses, St Christophers, a US dog tag, an Egyptian ankh.
‘Hi!’ he says. ‘Come in!’
‘Just a flying visit, Mr Clarke. The nurse asked me to drop by with a couple of things for Daphne.’
Daphne?’ he calls over his shoulder. ‘Another lovely person to see you.’
Oh fantastic! Wowee!’ says a thin voice from the room straight ahead.
‘Go through’ says Ray.
‘Thanks.’

The lounge is a shrine to Elvis. Images of The King on everything, from mirrors and paintings and gold records and film posters, to ceramic statues, a throw over the back of the sofa, even the clock over the mantelpiece – Elvis in his Las Vegas incarnation, legs apart, arms windmilling the minutes and hours.
‘Hello, Daphne! Lovely to meet you. I’m Jim, from the hospital.’
‘Lovely to meet you, too!’ she says, holding on to my hand, squeezing it, gradually pulling me in. ‘Aren’t you handsome?’
‘You’re making me blush,’ I say.
‘Now, now,’ says Ray.
She laughs and releases my hand..
‘I’ve just dropped round to bring you this special cushion to sit on. To protect your bottom. And some cream for the carers to put on in the morning.’
‘Now – you hear a lot about the NHS,’ says Ray, taking the things off me. ‘But I have to say, we’ve had nothing but the very best treatment.’
‘That’s good to hear,’ I say.

Daphne is beaming up at me from the armchair. I’m guessing Ray does her make up, because there’s something doll-like in the way the lipstick and rouge has been applied. She’s immaculate, though, as perfect as the figurine of Elvis, circa sixty-eight special, in a glass bell jar on the coffee table. She’s cuddling two soft toys, a fox in a waistcoat under her left arm, a scruffy looking teddy bear under her right.
‘And who are these two gentlemen?’ I say, patting the bear on the head. ‘They look amazing.’
‘Guess their names!’ she says.
‘Well – this one here, I’m going to start low and say … Ted!’
‘Yes!’ she says. ‘Now – what about this one?’
‘Mr Fox? Hmm. That’s a bit more tricky. But I’m going to take a wild guess, and I’m going to say… Elvis!’
‘No. It’s Montgomery. How do you do?’ and she offers up his paw for me to shake.

double jeopardy

I don’t know what it is about the film Double Jeopardy
but like a detective haunted by an unsatisfactory case
I keep coming back to it

maybe it’s that police launch, throttling-in from the fog
while Ashley sobs on the deck of the yacht, holding a knife;

or when the prosecutor, waving her hand at the jurors, says:
‘Did aliens murder your husband? No.
Aliens weren’t beneficiaries in your husband’s life insurance.’

Or the prison montage. Weight pumps, abdo scrunches, jogging
round the yard in the rain
‘I got to hand it to you, honey. It’s just sheer hate driving you on.’

or when Ashley escapes on the ferry,
smashing Tommy’s car up
to break the cuffs
he’s cuffed her to the door with,
driving it off the ramp into the sea
when Tommy hurries down the steps to stop her
hands on both rails,
maintaining his expression.
and I love the way the car sinks,
tyres first, falling in slo-mo through the clear water,
And when they both break surface,
even though Ashley cronks Tommy good
on the side of the head with a .38,
you can tell
she doesn’t want to.

Maybe the film wouldn’t have such a hold if it didn’t have
Bruce Greenwood holding a cigar to his mouth at a bachelor auction;
an art dealer in a bow tie saying Kandinsky;
a corpse in a coffin like William Burroughs
smacked-out at a book reading,
and a sad bartender passing Ashley a red umbrella
across the counter as the cops come in,
‘Take this’ he says. ‘Get outta here.’

but there’s something else
something in the way she smiles
as clear to me and cold
as the water the car falls through,doublejeopardy
as sensible as the hat
her mother wears
trowelling around in that dusty garden
passing her a tin
of dollar bills
she’s buried
under the tomatoes
for some reason

 

fishing trip

sometimes dad took me fishing
to his favourite spot
the south bank of the river
opposite the old brewery

we’d cycle over there
set up on the bank
and sit side-by-side
minding the floats
thumbing bread into pellets
(one for me, one for the fish)
the river and the morning
sliding past

it was quite a spot
thrilling, in a groin-aching way,
to feel such a bulk
of water running
so close to my feet

we’d sit for hours
till dinnertime at least
not saying much
putting my ear
to the grill
of the maggot tin
to hear them rustling
or shielding my eyes
from the sun
to watch the swifts
flash low on the water
dipping, turning
embroidering the air
with their screams

strange, to think dad
was my age then
he seemed so old
such a part of things
stranger still to think he’s dead
or that anyone dies, come to that
lying awake at night
going over thingsbrewery
how a river feels
sliding just a hand’s width
from the waggling
soles of my boots

on vromolimnos beach

I stuck a board on the wall above my desk
to help untangle the timeline of a book
the board looked empty, accusatory,
so to cheer it up I tore a page out of a sketch pad,
drawings I’d made on Vromolimnos beach
Skathos, three years ago (something like that)
rough studies of the people around me
a man in a cap, a woman in a bikini;
a group of guys standing in the water,
three looking right, the other looking down
working quickly because everyone was moving
but I lacked the knack
so I turned instead to draw
Eloise, asleep beside me
under a beach towel

now, here I am, three years later
(something like that)
sitting at my desk
writing this poem

the board in front of me
still mostly empty
except for those sketches

I wish I was there now
I wish I was sitting on Vromolimnos beach
I could try capturing that sea
those endlessly slack and crystalline waves,
pulsing in like signals from a
deeper, darker, territory of blue

But hey! Who am I kidding?
Watch me throw that pencil down!
Watch me sprint across the sand!
Watch me dive into the water!

Try drawing that!

vrom beach

the difference between men & women

it’s not eavesdropping if everyone can hear
and they certainly aren’t shy, jackie & mike
a middle-aged couple, tans, teeth, tattoos
laughing so raucously if you closed your eyes
you’d think their heads flipped back at the neck
like pez dispensers

‘I said to her, I said You’re a good looking woman. What work have you had done?’
‘My God! If that doesn’t sum up the difference between men and women!’
‘I don’t see anything wrong in telling a woman she’s lovely, Jackie.’
‘No, Mike. It’s what you wrap it up in does all the damage’

An announcement on the tannoy
something about cars & luggage
and I lose the rest of that conversation
picking it up again on depilation

‘I’d have my balls done, no question. It’s nice to have tidy balls.
I’m not so sure about the arse crack, though
I wouldn’t want someone fiddling around back there.’
‘Why? They’ve just been fiddling around with your balls.’
‘Yeah, I know, Jackie, but – here comes the science bit: concentrate
a man’s balls hang round the front. Where you can keep an eye on them.’

The tannoy again. Something about
a horn blast, sinking, life jackets, mustering points, blah.
I pick up the conversation again on the subject of reproduction.

‘It’s true, Mike. Everyone’s female the first few weeks.
It’s the man’s sperm that decides
whether you stay female or go male.
It’s all about the chromosomes.
That’s why women are the purer sex.
And why everyone’s got nipples.
Do you want me to Google it for you?’
He reaches across the table and strokes her hand.
‘No, love. Relax. You’re on holiday.’

The tannoy goes again.

Mike checks his watchchromosomes
Jackie necks her drink.
‘Time for a quickie?’ he says
rattling his empty cup in the air.
‘I thought you’d never ask’ she says
and gets out her compact and brush
whilst Mike heads unsteadily
in the direction of the bar.

writer’s block

A plain, flat, nondescript kind of place. A desert waiting for rain, and the strange blooms you’d never have thought possible, just under the surface. Which is over-selling the scenario, no doubt. It’s just a post-final edit, post-holiday, soon to go back to work and revisit the old self-doubt kind of funk. The antidote is right here in front of me, of course – a bracing dose of shut the hell up and write. I’ve done it before; there’s no reason to think I won’t be able to do it again. All I have to do is trust my unconscious to throw some ideas on the page, and then let my internal editor knock it into shape.

It’s not as if I’m short of things that need doing. I need to be fixing the timeline problems Kath identified in The Fabulous Fears book. I need to be sending the MS out to agents, and chumming the water with a letter of introduction & a juicy plot outline. Getting more people to read it so I can get feedback and useful insight into how I might improve.

Practical things – not this desert waiting for rain BS.

Sigh.

writing & swimming

It’s like swimming in the sea. The best way is to dive in as soon as you can. You know your body will adapt, because it always has in the past.

In fact, the sensation of instant cold is so overwhelming you won’t feel it as cold but as something else, a thermal shock, neither one thing nor the other. Five minutes later, you’ll be skulling on your back, loving the clouds.

Allow it as my cool nephew would say.

Or as Joseph Conrad put it:

‘A man that is born falls into a dream like a man who falls into the sea. If he tries to climb out into the air as inexperienced people endeavour to do, he drowns…The way is to the destructive element submit yourself, and with the exertions of your hands and feet in the water make the deep, deep sea keep you up…In the destructive element immerse.’

speaking of dreams

Creating something out of nothing always feels like a strange and difficult gig – but should it? We do it quite naturally.
Maisy Mouse by Lucy Cousins

For instance, last night I dreamed I was in a church graveyard where all the headstones were carved to look like characters from children’s books – Angelina Ballerina, Maisy, Hunca Munca.
‘They’re all mice!’ I said to my partner, but she was distracted by something hurrying towards us along the path.

So the lesson I take from that (apart from an urgent need for psychoanalysis), is that the only thing stopping me from being productive today is the conscious me –  which is just the workaday version of the exact-same me that effortlessly comes up with fantastic scenarios like the mouse cemetery…

So maybe what I really need is a nap.

 

new poem

chromosomes
The difference between men & women

 

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the crossing

we take our seats on the ferry
for the short trip across the Solent
watch the crew down on the main deck
hi-viz cowboys coralling the cars
with radios and gestures
until finally, they’re done
the ramp can be drawn
slamming us in together
the floor begins to shudder
and Yarmouth slides away

we settle into our seats
books
coffee
conversations

to my right is an elderly man and woman
the man slumped so low in his chair
he’s only stopped from sliding to the floor
by the bony clasp of his hands
the woman is perfectly upright, though
staring through the window
at the receding land
the lacy tumult of our wakebirds
smiling with her mouth slightly open
as if she alone has the measure of it all
particularly the birds
the way they pitch and fall and rise again
following us across the water

the goddamn professor

Out early this morning, looking for fossils along the shoreline just west of here.

rockpoolIt takes a while to key-in to the business of looking. It feels less like a hunt and more like a meditation, a slow working down through the normal levels of thinking into something steadier, quieter, more finely tuned to the thing you’re looking for. I remember a description in The Pearl by Steinbeck where he talked about the pearl fishers hearing ‘the song of the pearl’, a distinctive note rising and falling amongst all the other natural voices they swam amongst. Not that I’m claiming to have the song of the fossil in my head. I’m only here a week. But, hey! It’s great to get up early and act as if you can carry a note.

All this is a precious and literary way of diverting attention from the fact I didn’t find anything. Which is an epic fail, considering how fossiliferous the place is. (And that’s just an excuse to use the word fossiliferous – which is quite possibly one of the most ludicrously extravagant words I know, along with concatenation, and maybe bioturbation.) It’s a beautifully dramatic stretch of coastline, though, especially after the storm last night. A real battle zone between land and sea. The forest trees cling to the meagre top soil, whilst the trees at the very edge totter and lean with their roots exposed, overlooking all the sea-worn timbers on the shore. It all feels very liminal and exposed. I could happily beachcomb here all year. Only next time it’d be nice to have Lola along, too.

I just looked up how to spell ‘beachcomb’, to see whether it was hyphenated or not. The definition Google came up with was this: Beachcombing is an activity that consists of an individual “combing” (or searching) the beach and the intertidal zone, looking for things of value, interest or utility. Which is a definition that really seems to fit. Because although I was primarily looking for fossils, I was happy to find other stuff that had been washed up, including worn bits of pottery and glass, and taking photos of things I thought looked good and that I might be able to Tweet. So – absolutely. Beachcombing. With a touch of meditation thrown in.

I didn’t see too many people out this morning. It was still pretty murky and rainy. And everyone I saw had a dog or two with them. We’d wave and say good morning (the people); hold out my hand and say helloooo! as they bounded wetly up, around and on (the dogs). I wondered if they thought I was some kind of expert (the people). Because there I was in the early morning, wearing glasses, a bag over my shoulder, crouching down amongst the rocks at the water’s edge, wearing the right kind of sandals, not caring my khaki trousers were getting wet, holding very still, gently reaching out, picking something up, lifting my glasses, looking at the thing closely, gently putting it down again. I must have looked like a Goddamn professor – when actually I had only the vaguest idea I might find some shark teeth or maybe the odd bivalve, and that about twenty or thirty million years ago this was all something like the Florida Everglades.

Happily, they left me to it.

 

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fort victoria

On holiday in Fort Victoria, Isle of Wight.

Walking along the beach here, kicking over stones. There was a group of very elderly people out looking, too, one of them having to be held by the arm whilst she prodded around with her stick. I liked that. Anyway, no doubt the ammonites were the same, swimming up and down, rolling their eyes about the gloom for as long as they possibly could before the light went out and they settled into the ooze. (This is why I could never work as a Tour Bus Guide).

One of my holiday books has been By Grand Central Station I Sat Down and Wept. It’s a brilliantly passionate account by Elizabeth Smart of her love affair with the poet George Barker. I found it strange to think that a writer of such creative intensity could ever actually die. Maybe she hasn’t, quite. Maybe she’s a ghost somewhere, forever waiting for George to turn up, five minutes, five years too late.

eroded timberPlenty of arty shots to be had along the beach. Derelict piers, rusted iron fixings, doors in ruined walls, ancient timbers eroded along the grain. This part of the island was heavily militarised, guarding access along the Solent to Portsmouth. Apparently there were forts here from the sixteenth century, but most of the ruins and remnants are from the mid-nineteenth. It’s a great place to kick around. The swimming’s good, too – although the waters here are out of bounds, a big red sign saying Danger – No Bathing. Standing on the shore you can see what they mean – a distinct line of white surf mid-way out, tearing round the point.

The other book I’m reading is a non-fiction account of the transportations to Australia. The Fatal Shore by Robert Hughes (excellent, btw). I got quite excited to think that those transport ships might have sailed out from Portsmouth along the waters we can see from the cottage window – but then looking on Google maps I saw that it probably made more sense to sail straight down along the east coast of the island en route to Rio de Janeiro. I’m reading The Fatal Shore because I’m researching a book with a foot in two time zones, the nineteenth and twenty-first centuries. It feels like I’m taking on a lot. Wouldn’t it be easier to write about something closer to home, maybe a domestic drama about a community health care worker and his struggle to come to terms with death? Something as bright and upbeat as that? But I have to admit I like the research. It’s a kind of insurance. If the book doesn’t work, at least I’ve learned something (other than how to write a book that doesn’t work).


new poem:

 

dragon head
what do you mean, Norway?

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On holiday in Fort Victoria, Isle of Wight.

Walking along the beach here, kicking over stones. There was a group of very elderly people out looking, too, one of them having to be held by the arm whilst she prodded around with her stick. I liked that. Anyway, no doubt the ammonites were the same, swimming up and down, rolling their eyes about the gloom for as long as they possibly could before the light went out and they settled into the ooze. (This is probably why I could never work as a Tour Bus Guide).

One of my holiday books has been By Grand Central Station I Sat Down and Wept. It’s a brilliantly passionate account by Elizabeth Smart of her love affair with the poet George Barker. I found it strange to think that a writer of such creative intensity could ever actually die. Maybe she hasn’t, quite. Maybe she’s a ghost somewhere, forever waiting for George to turn up, five minutes, five years too late.

eroded timberPlenty of arty shots to be had along the beach. Derelict piers, rusted iron fixings, doors in ruined walls, ancient timbers eroded along the grain. This part of the island was heavily militarised, guarding access along the Solent to Portsmouth. Apparently there were forts here from the sixteenth century, but most of the ruins and remnants are from the mid-nineteenth. It’s a great place to kick around. The swimming’s good, too – although the waters here are out of bounds, a big red sign saying Danger – No Bathing. Standing on the shore you can see what they mean – a distinct line of white surf mid-way out, tearing round the point.

The other book I’m reading is a non-fiction account of the transportations to Australia. The Fatal Shore by Robert Hughes (excellent, btw). I got quite excited to think that those transport ships would’ve sailed out from Portsmouth along the waters we can see from the cottage window – but then I looked on Google maps and saw that they must have sailed straight down from Portsmouth along the east coast of the island en route to Rio de Janeiro. I’m reading The Fatal Shore because I’m researching a book with a foot in two time zones, the nineteenth and twenty-first centuries. It feels like I’m taking on a lot. Wouldn’t it be easier to write about something closer to home, maybe a domestic drama about a community health care worker and his struggle to come to terms with death? Something as bright and upbeat as that? But I have to admit I like the research. It’s a kind of insurance. If the book doesn’t work, at least I’ve learned something (other than how to write a book that doesn’t work).

 

new poem:

dragon head
what do you mean, norway?

 

sig