the rapture

I met him in an empty house
his wife had died last May
now he’s got cancer of the mouth
refusing treatment they say

do you have faith he asked me straight
I said I’m sorry no
he asked how I live in such a state
with nowhere for my soul to go

he told me the tale of a man who died
his wife knelt down to pray
and when the ambulance stopped outside
the man was quite okay

‘all of it perfectly documented
the miraculous power of prayer’
he asked if I was interested
I said I was, to be fair

‘the rapture is almost upon us!’ he said
Jesus is close at hand!
don’t be one of those left for dead!
ascend to the promised land!

when the end times finally come
the sinful will lament
as the saved all rise in number
roughly ten percent’

I wanted to hear him answer
why God had to be so rough
why God had given him cancer
but I wasn’t brave enough

whatever brings you serenity
stories of a fierce dictator
or surrendering your identity
and falling back into nature

whatever. it’s all just weaving
working the warp and the weft
I said we’d be back next evening
shook his hand warmly and left

neanderthal astronomer

official name? C/2022 E3 (ZTF)
some kinda comet registration I guess
more snappily known as The Green Comet
a crazy ball of ice or summat
high-tailing it outta the Oort cloud
every 50,000 years or thereabouts

FYI
the Oort cloud is a circle of icy crap
on the furthest edge of the solar map

well
I’m sorry
but

this particular neanderthal
can’t see any comets at all
as a put on my hoodie and beanie and go
freezing my Oorts off on the patio
scanning the skies without a hope
wishing I had a telescope

nadhim zahawi

(sung to the tune of Eleanor Rigby, with sincere apologies to Lennon & McCartney)

aah look at all the tory cronies
aah look at all the tory cronies

nadhim zahawi
picks up his tax with a lurch when the audit has been
big income streams
waits at the window
wearing the smile that he keeps in a jar by the door
for TV and more

all the tory cronies
where do they all come from
all the belusconis
where do they all belong

rich rishi sunak
practising gestures for questions that no one will hear
no one comes near
look at him working
wearing his sliders inside when there’s nobody there
selling his shares

all the tory cronies
where do they all come from
all the belusconis
where do they all belong

nadhim zahawi
lied to the house and was feted for playing the game
no sense of shame
rich rishi sunak
wiping the sleaze from his hands as he walks from the box
dreaming of stocks

all the tory cronies
where do they all come from
all the belusconis
where do they all belong

a hat like that

have you seen my toothbrush?
no
oh my god – are you ACTUALLY using it?
NO! this is mine. yours is in the bag
what – LOOSE? not even IN something? eww
what’s eww about that?
who KNOWS what else you’ve had in there.
what do you think I’ve had in there?
exactly.
are you going to have a shower?
no. I’ll wait till I get home
what about your teeth?
I’ll do them then
what – in the shower?
no? who the fuck cleans their teeth in the shower?
you’re weird
you don’t get to talk to me about weird when you’re wearing a hat like that

old father time

driving through a forest
heading back
from a new year’s eve party
the moon a lamp
angled in our faces
when suddenly we stopped
at the back
of a queue of traffic
stacked along the road
blue lights panicking
the trees
either side

‘an accident’ I said
getting out to look
just as a man
with his hood up
hunched in the cold
came walking back
from the scene

‘a deer’ he said
‘someone hit it
the police are finishing off’

I got back in the car
‘a deer’ I said

there was a crack
like a car backfiring
then another

‘shouldn’t be too much longer’
I said
yawning

oh no, dino

there’s a dino loose in Barbieland
causing all kindsa tyrano-sized troubles
security gate buckles
converting convertibles
snacking on collectables
hot tub huddles
tossed down clean
the barbecue-themed
blue eyed couples
fixed smile struggles
the whole scene getting WAAAY outta hand

there’s a dino loose in Barbieland
he musta just bust out the Park I guess
dressed to oppress
feet to depress
a million gnashers more or less
scranning on guests
a grand design
for an ad hoc dine
(but I have to confess
very little finesse)
to the disco sounds of the groovy house band

down the plughole

The Great British Run It Down & Flog It
The Great British Jacob Rees-Mogg it
The Great British Eton Mess
The Great British Fascist Press
The Great British Government of Tyrants & Cons
The Great British Keep Your Head Down Carry On
The Great British Act of Egregious Self-Harm
The Great British Squealers on Animal Farm
The Great British Michelle Mone, Golden Zone, Have It
The Great British Offshore Smash & Grab It
The Great British Shrug Off
The Great British Mug Off
Pull the plug off
The Grr British
The Brit
The Brr
The
shh

Stanley’s DNA report

Stanley is a mongrel
which means he’s a bundle
of lotsa different things
so this report untangles
a few of those strings:

it says here that he’s
approximately 5 percent cheese
10 percent sneeze
2 percent howl
4 percent scowl
1 percent essence of frustrated owl
9 percent Viking
9 percent liking
the striking
of ridiculous poses
3 percent noses
about 5 percent ruined sofa
it discloses
10 percent paws
like big clawsy loafers
4 percent whiff
2 percent sniff
3 percent wearing his
hair in a quiff
1 percent manly
1 percent Bramley
1 percent ludicrous modus operandi
1 percent the painter Modigliani
twelve percent scraggly
four percent baggly
but essentially
one hundred and ten percent Stanley