here endeth the first lesson
poems
austerity astrology
Aries
Pioneering and courageous / you love to share your outrageous / personality / and vivacious company / with the rest of us / girl? you’re the best of us
(under normal circumstances / but with Boris I’m sorry but I don’t rate your chances)
Taurus
Determined and loyal / your practical approach is the oil / we need / to keep society up to speed / and speaking honestly? / the other star signs rely on you constantly
(it’s usually that way / but you’ll need to find extra credit today)
Gemini
Sharp and sexy / you handle issues of startling complexity / with your fleet & soulful duality / smart and adaptable / phenomenally compatible
(in happier times / now you’re running county lines)
Cancer
Emotional & receptive / your hard shell can be deceptive / in fact you’re a natural source of electricity / and although you value domesticity / you can still find room for eccentricity
(in the past / before your bills got quite so vast)
Leo
Enthusiastic, emphatic / a flair for the dramatic / you live life to the marvellous max / oriented to the bad boy side of the tracks / in Burberry glasses & Gucci slacks
(these days you’re a little more off-the-rack / the queue for Primark’s round the back )
Virgo
A perfectionist with a heart of gold / your loyal spirit is a joy to behold / standing your ground / bringing order to the chaos all around
(or did, formerly / up until Sunak’s Spring statement, unfortunately)
Libra
Social & diplomatic / you have a fearless drive towards the democratic / seeing the positive not the negative / balanced, empathetic, deeply sensitive
(these days you need a little more luck / with the Tories in power your scales are fucked)
Scorpio
Passionate & cunning / sometimes you’re a little ‘all or nothing’ / but your joie de vie will enliven the situation / and win you oodles of adoration
(what can I say? / I’m afraid the food bank’s closed on Wednesdays )
Sagittarius
You’re wild and impulsive and refuse to be boxed / laughing your way free of the toughest locks / and although you lack focus some of the time / your beautiful dreams are always sublime!
(until Brexit / when we all got thrown headfirst through the exit)
Capricorn
A reserved and patient goat you may be / but that’s why you’re the leading lady! / hardworking, resilient / never less than brilliant / and although you’re last to hear any rumour / you’re blessed with a mordant sense of humour
(so here’s a thing to make you laugh / the room’s so cold you’re sat in your scarf)
Aquarius
One of a kind / you totally know your own mind / hungry for knowledge, socially inventive / the pursuit of wisdom your soul’s incentive
(but if you didn’t go to Eton / you may as well accept you’re beaten)
Pisces
You swim upstream, emotionally intuitive / your skill and your instincts frequently lucrative / and even though you take on too much / you don’t care how hard you work and such
(which is just as well / because I hear there are vacancies at the local motel)
suddenly stanley
We were way out over the fields for a hike
a fabulous April morning – but also kinda fake
every cloud just a little TOO cloud-like
the kind of cloud a cloud machine would make
the grass glassy and crunchy
Stanley’s hair tufty and bunchy
buffeted in the jesus-christ-this-breeze-is-actually-freezing kinda way
but despite all that it was a lovely day
Suddenly Stanley froze
(but not because of the temperature)
tense from his nose to his hairy toes
like a novelty dog-shaped piece of furniture
with lots of ribby drawers
and cute caster claws
and a whole lot of other things I suppose
but I’m afraid that’s as far as this metaphor goes
‘What is it, Stanley?’ I said
crouching masterfully by his side
so MY head was in line with HIS head
and the dog perspective that supplied
‘Stanley? What’s wrong?’
he was tense like a singer about to launch into song
after one or two bars from the orchestra
or maybe a brilliant scientist working on a formula
but just as suddenly he unfroze
gave his body a vigorous shake
trotted on happily tail thru nose
like all that drama was a big mistake
I followed on behind
turning over in my mind
the subtle differences you might choose to log
between the brain of a human and the brain of a dog
My conclusion?
heightened senses are a wonderful thing
but can lead to confusion
especially around Spring
the circle of thing
evolution of a party animal
I’m assured that guidance was followed at all times
and if it wasn’t those people will pay for their crimes
I’m as sick as you to see footage of Allegra
she’s a friend of Carrie’s really and I can’t bear her
I MAY have been to a party but if I did I didn’t know it
apart from the email, the DJ, the booze and the party food there was no real sign to show it
I can’t comment further as the police enquiries unravel
but anyway, Keir Starmer likes Jimmy Saville
The fines are coming in but whatever – I remain
using whatever cover I can find and oh look – Ukraine
status update XXI
I’m the snores not applause / at the end of the Blackpool Tory chorus / shaken awake and stampeding for the doors / too little Capricorn, too much Taurus / the clean up bill enormous / corporate fraud & tax avoidance / cockiness next to godliness / now – it’s all been rather nice / but I see you’re missing the old school tie / so here’s some advice / run for the gates and don’t think twice / I’ll count to five…
I’m checking the CCTV from time to time / counting all the robots waiting in line / system code like nursery rhymes / programmed to believe in better times / circuit soup, nuts & bolts pie
Eat less, do more – is THAT what your message is? / There needs no ghost, come from the grave, To tell me this / anyway – for your information? / I’ve already had that conversation / relax, max / I got the app / every last crumb of that cake is mapped
Words flail me / assail & nail me / totally top n’tail me / my pen impales me / Vlad the Impaler’s smiling – that twisted ol’ cat / but he misses the point and I turn him down flat / I’d do anything for love (but I won’t do that)
I’m the snail of failure slowly going crazy / dreaming of home but my memory’s hazy / draggin’ my slimy ass to the line / the world on my back the whole goddamn time
I’m Donald Trump / slumped / waving top of the garbage dump / Make America Great Again! / yeah? – well it’s been grating constantly since way back when
I’m Dishy Rishy in fiscal drag / dipping for lippy in a Gucci bag / leaning back, lighting a fag / saying l’m shagged / I’m like – totally done with your poverty / your endless talk of economic robbery / inequality / but you see? / what really bothers me? / your hair’s a mess and your shoes a monstrosity / now get the hell off my adorable property
Give us this day our daily bread / a car for the drive and a gun for the bed / you wished on a star and got this shit instead
pyramid scheme
La Lista Cabinista
Pasta boris putinesca:
corrupted with unsavoury sauce
served supine with
bunga bunga rolls & hand-pressed oligarchs
Cannelloni rishi sunacci
half baked in a mega rich ragu
served sincerely with
a faux, instaready salad
Gnocchi di mogg
deathly dumplings in a cruel victorian gravy
served drab in
a grudge of brexity grits
Ravioli di raab
pillows of pointlessness
served blank in
a thick, regretful roux
Rigatoni con la patel
cold tubes of bureaucracy
served harsh with
a terrine of lifejackets & channel water
Fettuccine dorries
wretched strands of confusion
served wild in
a stagger of embarrassing relish
Lasagna alla truss
layers of contact sheets marinaded in self-regard
served pert
with a selection of hats
Spaghetti alla shapps
a tangle of bland
served P&O
on a plate
the way of the dog
the lord’s prayer [with footnotes]
Our Father
[ definitely NOT Mother
or any other
hippy moniker
this is a strictly Christian melodrama
with a god who looks like a grouchy farmer ]
Who art in Heaven
[ somewhere north of Carlisle
on the A7 ]
Hallowed be thy name
[ ‘hallowed’ : a portmanteau word
meaning you’re allowed
to say hello
but personal appearances are pretty much a no-go ]
Thy kingdom come
[ a difficult one:
technically the kingdom had ALREADY come;
all HE had to do was put the lights on ]
Thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven
[ a LOT of theological ground to cover
when you consider
that another
person with will
is the devil
BUT GOD MADE THE DEVIL TOO
so … erm… okaaaay… over to you… ]
Give us this day our daily bread
[ for those of you in the congregation
worried about transubstantiation
and pray for
a gluten free wafer
because you’re celiac
I’m sorry but there’s no way back
the books say Jesus was ten percent wheat
so that’s what the Vatican says you’re to eat ]
And forgive us our trespasses,
as we forgive those who trespass against us
[ ‘trespass’ doesn’t mean the kind of sign
you see on security gates all the time
‘Trespassers will be prosecuted’
‘Fences Are Electrocuted’
‘Armed Response’
NOT the welcome anyone wants
when you’re going from door to door
collecting alms (not arms) for the poor;
so for ‘trespass’
read ‘press pass’
as in ‘access all areas’
a bit more relaxed and a lot less nefarious ]
And lead us not into temptation
[ if He’s supposed to lead us into GOOD
why build such a tempting neighbourhood? ]
but deliver us from evil
[ ‘evil’ not in the sense
of Milla Jovovich in Residents
one through five
where CGI creatures from the Umbrella Hive
use zombifying rain to drive
a plot progressively shakier
than the box office takings
NO – I mean evil
as in The DEVIL
who
as a little clue
has Evil
RIGHT THERE, in his name
and the D stands for Duncan, or maybe Duane ]
For thine is the kingdom
[ a clubby, bougie-beardy kinda place
where saints drift around with weary faces
in a heavenly kind of homeostasis
emphasis
on homie
and if they see the devil they’re like blow me ]
the power and the glory
[ same ol’ story ]
for ever and ever
[ which as these things go is somewhat better
than simply forever
but it’s subject to metaphysical pressure
and there’s no such thing as never ever ever ]
Amen
[ originally ‘All the Men’
then ‘A Man’
VERY briefly Ian
but eventually settling on ‘Amen’
and zero prospect of changing back again ]
jim clayton 