mum’s handyman stopped to lean on his mower
and watch as I pulled up to park the motor

two dark and perfect semi circles of sweat
hung like cartoon breasts on his nike vest

I’m not in the way am I, I said
he narrowed his eyes and shook his head

nice day for it I said, nice n’hot
he blew out his cheeks and said no it’s not

watched me as closely as a serial killer
as I got out my knock-off Colin the Caterpillar

some white and red flowers, five pound the pair
from the closest Morrisons to mum’s house there

I’m her son I said, so how’s it going?
I thought as much he said and carried on mowing

A sudden squawking & squeaking / testing! testing! this is your unconscious shrieking / everybody pointing and freaking / my junk trunked and my nightmares leaking / but hey – maybe with a little tweaking / it won’t be so bad aesthetically speaking

St Francis of Assisi, mano a mano / smiling serenely, covered in guano

Dora the Explorer’s sectioned sister Cora / losing her shit, her shoes & her fedora / scoring on the lawn with the local flora / trying to forget the earlier trauma / an outbreak of scabies at the local sauna

Coming over all tardigrades

Singing ‘Nothing could be finer than to be in Carolina…’ / slipping & sliding with the screaming diners / in the gilded saloon on the sinking liner

A spaceship lands for a flying visit / the crew some louche and lovely lizards / with comfy space slippers on their scaly flippers / but the waiting cops have got their fingers on their triggers / slam the ambassadors beak over gizzards / clip them with zip loc ties on their snippers / bust them downtown for the judge to consider

Later the cops munch fistfuls of fries / ‘He looked at me funny with his millions of eyes’

Meanwhile, a transparent brain / blows down the road like a tumbleweed, all the way there and back again

Hey Jack! The ogre’s throwing a party tonight / and he said for me to slip you an invite / dress to fright / tell your uber top of the beanstalk, turn right / we’ll be fee-fi-fo-fummming all through the night / his goose is a nuisance but his harp’s a delight / alright? / you seem quiet…

I wandered lonely as a cloud / before I was told it wasn’t allowed

I’m writing to the writer of The Fast and the Furious / pitching a prequel The Slow and the Curious

I go glamping and end up being galumped

I get fifteen years for arbitrary language

Mr Spock / shocks the flock with his glock / the mean demeanour of a gnu in crocks

And the lion shall lie down with the lamb / on a pay-per-view zoo cam

I’m a dab hand with a dab but I flounder with a flounder / I take a guilty bite of a quarter pounder / and I struggle to remember / remember remember the fifth of december / or something, whatever / trying to be clever / looking outside and reading the weather

Anyway – hurry up and pass the conch / I’ve found a fork & I’m ready for lunch