poems

status update X

~ jim clayton ~ 2 Comments

I’m the shit / the shaman / the showman / the show me the way to go home man / I’m the snowman / the do this or don’t man / the row row row the boatman / the use your vote man / I’m the last to know the first to go man / I’m lionel backdraft and the silicone cases / I’m Fortnum and Macy’s / a brace of tasties / a hopeless meander / I’m goosey goosey whatnot / I’m ribena / I’m both hyena and low-ena / I’m roger moore sans eyebrows / I’m sidney scarecrow and the lowbrows / I’m a dreamer and a cynic / I’m a disney frog singing in the fracture clinic / so let me down gently and kick me slowly / I’m greedy / reedy / super speedy / bdsm needy / I’m the creme de la phlegm / the credo / I’m the hulk in speedos / practising hula hoop in the eye of a tornado / I’m the last and the least / Banquo on the back row licking a big feast / I’m a tooth in a tumble dryer / a secret admirer / Bezos on the scrounge / tossing back benzos in the business lounge / I’m a stunt / a cunt / a miserable moo / I’m a frequent flyer and so are you / I’m an interplanetary fraud / a hoarder with plaudits / an electric eel on antispasmodics / a snorer / a bored borer / a high scorer / a top drawer explorer / visionary ignorer / I’m the bouncer who bounced / the announcer who flounced / I’m a long hard look / at the death row prisoner eating a book / I’m cautious charlie and the undercooked / I’m a raucous caucus / a lawless chorus / burning down the barricades July thru August / I’m the least likely to succeed / I’m peed / pawed / floored / fixed / nixed / bereft / I get taken out first round with a delicious left / why’n’cha watch the playback / jack / but stay well back / maybe write me a letter / I promise I’ll read it when things get better

the cat came back

~ jim clayton ~ Leave a comment

I saw a cat that looked like you
and wondered if it might be true
that nurse who scanned the chip was wrong
and handed me a different dead cat all along

but how could that be? a chip’s a chip
I can’t imagine she’d have trouble with it
it’s just – you looked exactly the same
and nuzzled my hands when I said your name

Solly was really a brilliant cat
if Death could be tricked he’d be up for that
sneaking out from under their cloak
leaping to life from the side of the boat

but black and white’s a common kinda pattern
from Kathmandu to downtown Manhattan
and I felt the stab of last year’s sorrow
when I saw he lacked a mask like Zorro

what a ride

~ jim clayton ~ 2 Comments

I’m just your average homo sapiens
so I’ve no idea why I got abducted by aliens

I was out walking Stanley the dog
when there was this sudden creepy fog
then a noise like someone bowing a saw
that carried on annoyingly a minute or more
till a fierce white light snapped down
and I felt myself rising off the ground
waggling helpless as a mackerel
controlled by forces supernatural
till I rose up through a dodgy looking hatch
and landed on deck for the creatures to catch

Let me try to describe ‘em
I mean – at first I totally didn’t buy ‘em
they looked kinda hokey
sounded worse than me at karaoke
almond eyes, sensitive mouths
a bunch of tentacles north & south
if you ask anyone to draw an alien
from Buddhist monk to Episcopalian
I’m damned sure thems the figures you’d see
but that’s what I found leering down at me

They took me to their leader
an older unit with a badge that said PETER
(his real name was probably SCHNORQ or KLARHT
but they didn’t wanna alienate me right at the start)
he put my phone up on a giant screen
I put in the password twenty eighteen
the other aliens gathered round
moved their tentacles so I could sit down
as PETER swiped and the images swam
all the videos I’d watched on Instagram
and every time he’d stop and frown
and sigh and tut and shake his suckers
like humans were the ditziest mothafuckas
and he’d look to me for an explanation
to understand the population:

‘that’s someone falling over at a wedding
that’s Motor Bikin’ by Chris Spedding
that’s three kids jumping in the water
that’s a goose walking on wet mortar
that’s a kitten on a trampoline
that’s switching lip balm with germolene
that’s a wheelie and a stoppie
that’s a ten second paper poppy
that’s a guppy looks like Trump
that’s a starving dog on a dump
that’s a bunch of sweet Jedi moves
that’s a dachshund overdubbed with coconut hooves
that’s how to draw sheep
that’s Tom Hardy & Meryl Streep
that’s Rihanna in Tijuana
that’s Ray of Light by Madonna
that’s Ray Winstone on a lilo
that’s shortcrust versus filo
that’s bloopers from Friends
that’s Jennifer Aniston again
that’s a three year old doing a halfpipe
that’s a woodcock and a snipe
that’s le parkour
that’s Alan Moore
that’s a spiky dress at the Met
that’s a clown swallowing a cigarette
that’s a gas explosion at a depot
that’s a fashion selfie in Aleppo
that’s Grampa, Lily and Herman Munster
that’s a drunk guy falling in a dumpster
that’s a stream of molten lava
that’s J-Lo eating guava
that’s Miley Cyrus
that’s an anti-vaxxer wrestling someone dressed like the virus
that’s Charlize Theron reacting to confetti
that’s a good hard stare from Giacometti
that’s a fashion selfie in Chernobyl
that’s a bad flood in Grenoble
that’s someone eating a cake like a brain
that’s Jennifer Aniston again
that’s a bridge collapsing
that’s Miley Cyrus relaxing
that’s a dachshund with a pipe and beret
that’s three girls twerking on the MTA
that’s a fight at the checkout
that’s – no idea what that’s about…’

Peter suddenly raised a tentacle
slithered down sadly off his pedestal
‘thanks for your help in this difficult matter
I’ve seen enough of this mindless chatter
forget the probing – he’s not to blame
just toss him back to whence he came’

and the next thing I knew I was back in the forest
and Stanley was gone – completely lorest

the constellation of jeffrey

~ jim clayton ~ Leave a comment

Jeffrey Bezos
rich as pharaohs

rides his gleaming space vibrator
with a qualified pilot and navigator

gets a minor epistaxis
thinking about his unpaid taxes

but suddenly he’s weightless
billions lighter but destined for greatness

presses his shining face to the glass
amazed they got away so fast

stares back down on planet Earth
wonders what the old rock’s worth

status update IX

~ jim clayton ~ Leave a comment

I’m Davy Crocket / out of powder and out of pocket / trading my beaver for an Easter bonnet / D for Davy or maybe Dunce on it / but hey – at least I’m honest / I don’t give a moose shit whose musket’s longest / you can find your own way out of the forest

I’m poor Mrs Rochester raving in the attic / a flare for fire and the melodramatic / energetic & enigmatic / two parts FOMO, one part Panic / a risk to everyone but especially asthmatics

I’m Ulysses, stripteased, tied to the mast / having furiously asked / my greased and snake-hipped crew to bind me fast / which they reluctantly agreed to do at last / then retreated to watch and gossip from the aft / and wiki my wicked BDSM past

I’m Jiminy Cricket wishing on a star / sprawled on the bonnet of a Karmann Ghia / wondering where all the real boys are

I’m Maximus Decimus Meridius / loyal servant to the true emperor, Marcus Aurelius / father to a murdered son, Minimus / husband to a murdered wife, Mousimus / and I will have my vengeance, in this life or the next – did that sound imperious? / good – I want them to know I’m serious

I’m sweaty Jack / goose and harp safely in the sack / singing while I’m swinging at the beanstalk with my axe / giving the ogre a heart attack / cos he’s halfway down and can’t go back

holy stones

~ jim clayton ~ Leave a comment

I was busy on the beach
balancing a line of pebbles
along a stick of driftwood
to photograph for Instagram
when he came over
a tall man in a white shirt
camera on one shoulder
career on the other
‘What do you think,’ he said
‘about all the holes in these rocks?’
I stood up
‘Hmm,’ I said ‘I don’t know much about it
but back in the Sussex chalk
there are molluscs that burrow
and leave holes like that’
‘Too hard’ he said
‘I think it’s gas bubbles
from the time of the volcano’
‘Hmm’ I said ‘you could be right’

We both looked out to sea

‘I saw a porpoise in Cornwall’ I said
‘Or thought I did.
Turns out it was a triathlete’

‘Igneous, sedimentary and…’ he said
then repeated the words quietly to himself
‘Hmm’ I said, ‘I can’t remember…’
‘Metamorphic!’ he said
‘When one thing gets changed into another’
‘That’s it!’ I said. ‘Of course!’
‘I lived in Sussex,’ he said
‘Sometimes you’d find flint
with crystals inside.’

We stood there
side by side on the sunny beach
two middle aged men
one short, one tall
both in hats
both on holiday

‘My son is off doing his own thing,’ he said
‘He gets annoyed with me
You don’t have to take a picture of every last thing he said
But at least I don’t post them on Instagram
Some people take pictures of their food
before they eat it
Can you believe it?
I’m not as bad as that.’
‘That’s true,’ I said. ‘Documenting their lives’
‘My son says just LIVE your life.’
‘He sounds good,’ I say. ‘Balanced.’
‘Yes,’ says the man. ‘I think he is.’

the lookout

~ jim clayton ~ 2 Comments

At the furthermost top of Garn Fawr
are the ruins of a lookout post from the war
a corner of bricks on a volcanic outcrop
capped with a carved concrete block:

J J W Calderon
Commander RN
D J W Edwardes
Deputy CWRN

Odd, his name should be Calderon
which has certain volcanic connotations
in a landscape made by the same
like the fires that forged the rock forged his name

Anyway – the graffiti is all very properly done
conveying the important information
surname, rank and service
carved so carefully into the surface

But the war burned out as all wars do
and no one cares who saluted who
except for the lookout’s Calderon and Edwardes
status cemented for the records

Standing now at their crumbling post
staring out along the wave-flecked coast
I wish those guys had flung their caps from the edge
and carved a couple of cormorants instead

alas poor rat

~ jim clayton ~ Leave a comment

we saw a dead rat at a tourist spot
now – don’t panic – I’m not
about to say this place
was a disgrace
I’m not saying for one moment
it’s got a problem with rodents
in fact it was properly picturesque
walks and climbs, sites of interest
places to wander, spectacular views
parking was a nightmare but what can you do?
no – it was an isolated incident
a tragic death coincident
with our innocent
day out
a poor rodent stretched out
on the cliff walk
that we tiptoed round
and talked about

‘you’re never more than 6 feet away from a rat’
isn’t that
some kinda fact?
(no – as it turns out
it’s just when they were thinking about
rats in 1909
which they obviously did from time to time
they came up with that catchy line
basically assuming
one rat for every human
and spacing them equally about the country
which isn’t something rats do naturally
they tend to stick together for company
anyway
looking at it sensibly
if you only count the rats in urban areas
the actual numbers are way less scarier
just over three million
scurrying around the human dominion
so ‘you’re never more than 164 feet from a rat’
would be a bit more accurate
so we’ll say thanks for the meme and leave it at that)

this particular item
sprawled ad infinitem
ex member of the chordate phylum
was lying with its paws drawn up to its head
like me with the duvet when I go to bed
and seemed so peaceful in this position
creeping by seemed a rude imposition
it was just this weird juxtaposition
a poignant opposition
rat versus
the universe
infinity or day out
the whole thing played out
on a happy, sunny day by the sea
and this tiny existential tragedy
sat uneasily
with me
inevitably
but mostly
as a potential subject for poetry
and admittedly
despite my Munchian scream
it didn’t put me off my vanilla ice cream

Porthgain, Pembrokeshire. July 2021

immortelles

~ jim clayton ~ Leave a comment

tired and lost, unexpectedly
we came across a chapel called Harmony
and opposite
an overgrown cemetery

amongst the crumbling stones
we saw a grave with a little glass dome
and inside
a porcelain rose

the glass was weathered and cracked
the rusty wire buckled and slack
but still
the rose was intact

time and all its dreams will pass
a porcelain rose, a dome of glass
and we
must find our way home at last


Harmony, Pembrokeshire, July 2021