poems

sixty and so what

~ jim clayton ~ Leave a comment

listen to the man from the land that time forgot
his heart is young but his knees are not
when he dances he chances everything he’s got
but it’s a pretty sweet spot

so

thanks a lot

sixty and so what

but it really doesn’t matter
if you think you’d rather scatter
than listen to a rapper
like ya granddad but badder
his hair all cropped
his waistline flopped
rowing up to heaven
in a knitted tank top
clap hands
clap hands
see you all later in the promised land

where it’s hot
or maybe not

sixty and so what

I’m here to advise ya
I’m older not wiser
just because I know … who … Morecambe & Wise are
This is your life and other surprises
What do points make? (Points make prizes)
Starsky & Hutch, Miami Vice
nice to see ya to see ya nice
Dear Jim, can I meet the antichrist?
Showaddywaddy, Johnny Morris, Eric Sykes
Yikes

the rest I forgot

sixty and so what

It’s Red Alert for Captain Kirk
Shatner pants cos his shields don’t work
Bones on the phone saying this won’t hurt
yeah? been there done that got the red shirt
It’s life Jim but not as we know it
Klingons are crazy, man, please don’t blow it
The crew’s had enough of your starfleet shit
UHURU’S TAKING OVER THE GODDAMN SHIP

c’mon – beam me up

sixty and so what

it’s praying by proxy
maxxing my moxie
taxing my brains and the orthodoxy
rhyming the shocks
burning the clocks
one last chance for opportunity knocks
rapping as they’re tapping down the lid on the box
running outta time fresh out the blocks

the pistol shot
for a medal or not

sixty and so what

if this is the room I guess I must be the elephant
it’s time to quit worrying – you’re NEVER irrelevant
you’re here till you’re not
so give it all you’ve got

sixty and so what

the universe says let’s dance

~ jim clayton ~ Leave a comment

whaddya mean – can’t dance?
sure you can!
you been dancing
since your heart first began
getting down to party on
with a proto rumbocardium
riding the heat
of the big bang beat
infinity’s drum
for a polka of molecules in the dancehall of your mum
c’mon!
you’re dancing now
exactly where you are
shyly leaning against the bar
cradling a bottle
because that’s what’ll
get you out on the floor
that or pills or a whole lot more
but trust me – let’s go
just let go
we’ll take it slow
nothing above us nothing below
suspended in a boogie chamber of light
whose disco scatter’s
been agitating matter
since the universe first went all mick jagger
bored of coldly hanging onto nothing
really wanna be startin’ somethin

tea, biscuits & astrophysics

~ jim clayton ~ Leave a comment

13.8bn years ago there was nothing
not a goddamn thing
so getting from that to everything
is really quite something
I mean – at what point do you even start counting?
there isn’t even TIME?
nothing going forward, not even slime

okay – fine
I admit it
I didn’t take science at school I quit it

and I’m not at all religious
the idea God was involved is highly suspicious

I have to say, though, it seems a stretch
for infinity to shake itself and fetch
whole galaxies of stuff
when forever was perfectly good enough
if you’re happy doing nothing
why do something
I mean – WHY?
it’s mystifying
everything’s fine – why risk it?
from absolute zero to a digestive biscuit?

the rapture

~ jim clayton ~ Leave a comment

I met him in an empty house
his wife had died last May
now he’s got cancer of the mouth
refusing treatment they say

do you have faith he asked me straight
I said I’m sorry no
he asked how I live in such a state
with nowhere for my soul to go

he told me the tale of a man who died
his wife knelt down to pray
and when the ambulance stopped outside
the man was quite okay

‘all of it perfectly documented
the miraculous power of prayer’
he asked if I was interested
I said I was, to be fair

‘the rapture is almost upon us!’ he said
Jesus is close at hand!
don’t be one of those left for dead!
ascend to the promised land!

when the end times finally come
the sinful will lament
as the saved all rise in number
roughly ten percent’

I wanted to hear him answer
why God had to be so rough
why God had given him cancer
but I wasn’t brave enough

whatever brings you serenity
stories of a fierce dictator
or surrendering your identity
and falling back into nature

whatever. it’s all just weaving
working the warp and the weft
I said we’d be back next evening
shook his hand warmly and left

neanderthal astronomer

~ jim clayton ~ Leave a comment

official name? C/2022 E3 (ZTF)
some kinda comet registration I guess
more snappily known as The Green Comet
a crazy ball of ice or summat
high-tailing it outta the Oort cloud
every 50,000 years or thereabouts

FYI
the Oort cloud is a circle of icy crap
on the furthest edge of the solar map

well
I’m sorry
but

this particular neanderthal
can’t see any comets at all
as a put on my hoodie and beanie and go
freezing my Oorts off on the patio
scanning the skies without a hope
wishing I had a telescope

nadhim zahawi

~ jim clayton ~ Leave a comment

(sung to the tune of Eleanor Rigby, with sincere apologies to Lennon & McCartney)

aah look at all the tory cronies
aah look at all the tory cronies

nadhim zahawi
picks up his tax with a lurch when the audit has been
big income streams
waits at the window
wearing the smile that he keeps in a jar by the door
for TV and more

all the tory cronies
where do they all come from
all the belusconis
where do they all belong

rich rishi sunak
practising gestures for questions that no one will hear
no one comes near
look at him working
wearing his sliders inside when there’s nobody there
selling his shares

all the tory cronies
where do they all come from
all the belusconis
where do they all belong

nadhim zahawi
lied to the house and was feted for playing the game
no sense of shame
rich rishi sunak
wiping the sleaze from his hands as he walks from the box
dreaming of stocks

all the tory cronies
where do they all come from
all the belusconis
where do they all belong

a hat like that

~ jim clayton ~ Leave a comment

have you seen my toothbrush?
no
oh my god – are you ACTUALLY using it?
NO! this is mine. yours is in the bag
what – LOOSE? not even IN something? eww
what’s eww about that?
who KNOWS what else you’ve had in there.
what do you think I’ve had in there?
exactly.
are you going to have a shower?
no. I’ll wait till I get home
what about your teeth?
I’ll do them then
what – in the shower?
no? who the fuck cleans their teeth in the shower?
you’re weird
you don’t get to talk to me about weird when you’re wearing a hat like that

old father time

~ jim clayton ~ Leave a comment

driving through a forest
heading back
from a new year’s eve party
the moon a lamp
angled in our faces
when suddenly we stopped
at the back
of a queue of traffic
stacked along the road
blue lights panicking
the trees
either side

‘an accident’ I said
getting out to look
just as a man
with his hood up
hunched in the cold
came walking back
from the scene

‘a deer’ he said
‘someone hit it
the police are finishing off’

I got back in the car
‘a deer’ I said

there was a crack
like a car backfiring
then another

‘shouldn’t be too much longer’
I said
yawning