my new laugh

I’m working on a mirthless laugh
for reading things in the Telegraph
or listening to Boris on radio stations
making speeches at the United Nations
something hammer horror-a-ree
the only proper response to his oratory

I’m practicing a bitter kinda chuckle
for hearing how the country buckles
beneath the weight of this crappy Brexit
a flat kinda snicker that somehow reflects it
(I think the weight of all this sovereignty
is really starting to do bad things to me)

I’m busy rehearsing a scary guffaw
for pieces about how they’re helping the poor
I’ll crease like Gary Oldman as Dracula
with a blood-crazed grin and some gothic vernacular
(or maybe I’ll go for the next best thing
a Tony Hopkins chortle as Professor Van Helsing)

like a stake through the heart

My dearest Dracula,

I admit – for a while it was quite spectacular
but did you REALLY have to go sneaking around like that
flipping through the window like a brilliantined bat
howling like a wolf
on the roof
or a dog
in the fog
and – the real bust –
elemental dust
I’m completely nonplussed!
So yes – okay – you’re a transmutational sensation
and yes – yawn – you’re a master of protean creation
a victory of hope over cremation
but – my honest opinion?
save the capey capers for your bloodless minions
THEY might be impressed with all that flapping about
ME? I’ve fallen out of love with your pointy pout
I want a
with a little more bite
not some creep who keeps out of the light
and only come out of his coffin at night
sure – you’re handsome and muscular
but just a tiny bit dead and way too crepuscular

hope you’re well

yours in Christ



Dracula: Doomed forever to keep on auditioning

Okay – so – er-hem: Dracula
Don’t you think it’s all a bit too creepy & crepuscular?
And this obsession with all things cardiovascular
To be honest it’s just weirdly irregular
and won’t make you popular
We’re struggling with the medieval vernacular
And although we think your musculature
Is really quite spectacular
for someone of your – how shall I say? – vintage stature
this ancient blood vengeance rapture
just comes across as a chip on the dusty old scapula

So we’d like to thank you for auditioning here
and wish you all the best with your future career
We hope you’re not too upset; it’s what show business is all about
and don’t forget to close the window on your way out