god only knows
God
hell no
a vauxhall state of mind
I’m sorry but THERE IS NO GOD
and you’d have to say
if there WAS, day to day
they’re doing a pretty terrible job
war, famine, cruelty, fennel
disease, deception
the film inception
having to put your dog in the kennel
why? why go to all that trouble
making sadness and suffering
bad teeth and buffering
from an eternity of inert but happy rubble?
just to have people who’ll tremble & praise them?
legions of clerics, holymen, priests
shamans in hats and fancy briefs
all terrified you won’t save them?
jeez. it’s like some kind of celestial baby
playing with armies
tornadoes, tsunamis
just ‘cos they’re bored and going crazy
there’s no such thing as an atheist in a fox hole
you say, looking smug
is that a fact? (smile / sigh / shrug)
well apparently not if you were born in Vauxhall
give us this day our daily existential dread
I think it’s basically
and unmistakably
the case
that when you stop and look at the place
you have to conclude
we’re screwed
and God doesn’t give a shit
that’s it
that’s all I have to say on the subject
we’re over-hyped and over-budget
and I’m sorry
if you’re worried
about God being absent
and you scrabble through the cabinet for muscle relaxant
because you’re not consoled
by the thought there’s no one at the controls
no one harvesting dutiful souls
ticking off names on golden scrolls
angels applauding lifetime goals
(etcetera, etcetera
like God’s some kinda administrator)
no
because you know
God’s a human construct
for legislating conduct
loving you today, hating you tomorrah
look what He did with Sodom & Gomorrah
everybody getting the cataclysm
you say it’s Freedom, I say hmm it really isn’t
and if He ever did exist
he’s patently quit
sick and tired
of the care required
his permit for Eternal Love expired
mankind a messy misfire
somehow hardwired
to self-destruct
a bit confused and somewhat fucked
the prototype sucked
the first-born Adam
up and at ‘em
a little too busy with the tarmacadam
driving out of Eden
proceeding
at speed
in a four-by-four he didn’t need
with God as his witness
off to do business
breaking his word and spreading the sickness
and so on
but I’ve only got the bible to go on
and even if you insist
I’ve missed
the point
which is God gave Man the run of the joint
as an exercise in freedom
an early example of a Holy threesome
living it large in the Garden of Eden
I’d say
that was a high price to pay
for trashing the Earth at the end of the day
so
despite the fact I sense you’re annoyed
here we are hurtling through the void
with nothing but our egos and a pramful of toys
until Nature steps in a little after lunch
says come on people this is the crunch
you’ve had your time now I must insist
you absolutely cease and desist
I’ve got some other deals on my list
and the planet gets spritzed
and we all get fritzed
and it’s not only God who doesn’t exist
taking god for a walk
And God created Dog
which you’d have to think was a little bit odd
given She was already everything and nothing
but goes to show The Girl wasn’t bluffing
when She said unto Man
I am what I am
(although: disclaimer
that mightn’t be God but Gloria Gaynor)
either way it pretty much covers all bases
how immanence works in the strangest of places
in the end, though
who knows?
maybe God just needed an independent nose
to sniff out Her mighty works with emotion
(and anoint with a sprinkle of doggy devotion)
he knows you’re waiting
it must be tough being God
I can’t think of a less attractive job
it couldn’t be worse
having to be everywhere in the universe
from a learner driver reversing
and cursing
to a nervous nurse
rehearsing
what she plans to say
when she comes up before the board that day
from a butcher slicing his fingers with the salami
to a village getting flattened by a tsunami
the demands are endless
all the people pretty much defenceless
so much of it senseless
or is it?
I don’t know – He doesn’t do many personal visits
but the thing that makes it all so exquisite
when you pray, God doesn’t go Oh Jesus Christ NOW what is It?
because the guy’s complicit
He KNEW those planes were headed for Manhattan
He KNEW when the towers went up they were gonna get flattened
but he’s contractually obliged
to let the planes fly
and not guide
them to a better place
even though his superpowers are supposedly ace
and he could’ve easily done it and not lost face
so in case
you’re wondering
why He keeps blundering
klutzing around the place, flooding and thundering
leaving people in the lurch
to the point you wonder why they go to church
it’s because (apparently) He gave them Free Will
which is fine until
you find this God of Love
is more than happy to shove
any who die and come to dwell
with Him and his high-end clientele
heads down heels up straight to Hell
okay great thanks
you just got pranked
Free Will definitely shooting blanks
But God moves in a mysterious way, His wonders to perform
from carcinomas to slugs on the lawn
maybe that’s why He’s permanently distracted
and so damned hard to be personally contacted
maybe he needs more angels on the desk
because I have to say His PR’s grotesque
it’s hard to be desperate, patient AND virtuous
when all you get is ‘please hold – your prayer is important to us’
quark start
in the beginning
was the word
and the word was QUARK
which knocked all the other words
outta the park
and God saw the word and said it was good
acting like He understood
what the hell a quark even WAS
which was quarkward because
He created it
and it was all a bit complicated
and it’d be another aeon or two
before Feynman came along to talk things through
the lord’s prayer [with footnotes]
Our Father
[ definitely NOT Mother
or any other
hippy moniker
this is a strictly Christian melodrama
with a god who looks like a grouchy farmer ]
Who art in Heaven
[ somewhere north of Carlisle
on the A7 ]
Hallowed be thy name
[ ‘hallowed’ : a portmanteau word
meaning you’re allowed
to say hello
but personal appearances are pretty much a no-go ]
Thy kingdom come
[ a difficult one:
technically the kingdom had ALREADY come;
all HE had to do was put the lights on ]
Thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven
[ a LOT of theological ground to cover
when you consider
that another
person with will
is the devil
BUT GOD MADE THE DEVIL TOO
so … erm… okaaaay… over to you… ]
Give us this day our daily bread
[ for those of you in the congregation
worried about transubstantiation
and pray for
a gluten free wafer
because you’re celiac
I’m sorry but there’s no way back
the books say Jesus was ten percent wheat
so that’s what the Vatican says you’re to eat ]
And forgive us our trespasses,
as we forgive those who trespass against us
[ ‘trespass’ doesn’t mean the kind of sign
you see on security gates all the time
‘Trespassers will be prosecuted’
‘Fences Are Electrocuted’
‘Armed Response’
NOT the welcome anyone wants
when you’re going from door to door
collecting alms (not arms) for the poor;
so for ‘trespass’
read ‘press pass’
as in ‘access all areas’
a bit more relaxed and a lot less nefarious ]
And lead us not into temptation
[ if He’s supposed to lead us into GOOD
why build such a tempting neighbourhood? ]
but deliver us from evil
[ ‘evil’ not in the sense
of Milla Jovovich in Residents
one through five
where CGI creatures from the Umbrella Hive
use zombifying rain to drive
a plot progressively shakier
than the box office takings
NO – I mean evil
as in The DEVIL
who
as a little clue
has Evil
RIGHT THERE, in his name
and the D stands for Duncan, or maybe Duane ]
For thine is the kingdom
[ a clubby, bougie-beardy kinda place
where saints drift around with weary faces
in a heavenly kind of homeostasis
emphasis
on homie
and if they see the devil they’re like blow me ]
the power and the glory
[ same ol’ story ]
for ever and ever
[ which as these things go is somewhat better
than simply forever
but it’s subject to metaphysical pressure
and there’s no such thing as never ever ever ]
Amen
[ originally ‘All the Men’
then ‘A Man’
VERY briefly Ian
but eventually settling on ‘Amen’
and zero prospect of changing back again ]
status update XX
I’m Mr Old Testament / adjusting my robes, questioning the experiment / out of touch, out of my element / high in the sky in my hipster beard and shit / finally admitting it / this is one unholy mess and I’m quitting it / having a messy, messianic fit / that’s me in the corner, losing my religion / the Cook’s gone crazy in the heavenly kitchen / losing His purpose / losing His focus / wondering what’s left to serve – plagues or locusts
I’m a butcher in Gucci, a gangster in spats / I’m Mikhail Mouse in Armani combats / fancy that? / no – not really / I mean that most sincerely / I’m tired of these unsolicited dictator pics / why are people still such gluttons / for autocrats posing with fingers on buttons? / bad boys in the media / political toxaemia / Putin the boot in to Wikipedia / rebranding Russian social media / Instagrim, TikCop, Erasebook, Twister / putting the bad in vlad and the misery in mister / the winters hard and cruel and slow / while Putin jigs like old Gepetto / flattening countries and torching ghettos / carving out his malign portfolio / Boris Johnson as Political Pinocchio / I’m a reeeeaalll boy / but who gets annoyed / when his nose grows so big he can’t avoid / everyone laughing when he waffles and rambles / his hair in a shambles / his Russian strings in such terrible tangles / he strangles / anyone so dim / to think of standing close to him
I’m an influencer pirate / swinging in for selfies at the latest riot / fifteen cops on a dead man’s chest / yo ho ho and a kevlar vest / access all areas with a pass marked press / in a skull & crossbones party dress / pouting in amazement / setting things up on the flaming pavement / for some molotov cocktail product placement
I’m the creature from the black lagoon / who believed the hype and rose too soon / now I’m lying like a love-lorn loon / in a witness-protection motel room / staring at the parking lot. howling at the moon / missing the swamp, the buzz of mosquitos / living on Love is Blind and microwave burritos
Because everything always comes with a price / don’t read the small print, don’t think twice / from hammers and sickles to stars and stripes / lighting up the sleepless city nights / with heavy duty explosive delights / Lucy in the sky with cluster bombs / medals of gold, silver and bronze / provisioned bunkers for neo cons / but in the end what’ll we have to show for it? / the collapse of civilisation as we know it / some tragic, patriotic pageant queen / taking one last selfie in a submarine / somewhere off the Philippines / as the ice cap melts / the statue of liberty tilts / and everyone runs around screaming on stilts / and there’s nothing left to say / except Oyeh! Oyeh! / welcome to the last great segue / humanity’s ultimate passing-out parade / where one day / it’s headlines and military displays / the next it’s wastelands and tardigrades
jim clayton 