grandpa rapper

I’m a grandpa rapper / a crap rapscallion / safety cap and medic alert medallion / when sorrows come, they come not in single rhymes, but battalions / digging so deep I beat the Grand Canyon

I’m a secondhand man, a used methuselah / trying not to lose what time’s busy bruising / pleasantly confused but somehow cruising / altitudes of attitude in between snoozing

I’m a hand model for cannulas / decades older than Dracula / rhyming my time in dodgy vernacular / less Cardi B more cardiovascular / a tottering, tea-time travelling ambassador / for the dusty but lusty, rap-battling amateur / bending his endings in dodgy parameters

I’m old father rhyme / emptying the floor in four-four time / ready to go when he’s only just arrived / boney n’broken / outspoken in a cloak / a try-hard, blowhard, droney old bloke / specialising in hip hop embarrassment / rhymes so bad it’s tantamount to harassment / ancient and arrogant / blatant, irrelevant / an exiled, senile, X Files experiment

I’m a slow-crime, lunch time, delusional dreamer / drivin’ my four wheeled walker like a beemer / lithe as a lemur with a fractured neck of femur

I’m a one-time rhymer whose tunes aren’t wack / braces not belts cos my pants are slack / tenacity I lack / not hitting the clubs, hitting the sack / snacks my crack / fifteen Murder She Wrotes back to back

I’ve got bandanas on the shopping list / vitamin pills, Bloods n’Crips / zimmer frames my game and sticks ma’ whips / easy-on gats with velcro grips / my rhymes don’t shine but they sure don’t slip / when I bust a move I bust a hip

rap stanley

one two / one two
uh, uh


c’mon all you people an’ listen to me
while I tell you the news ‘bout dog stanley
his tail super-fail, his ears all tangly
long n’gangly
as big dogs go not exactly
y’understan’ me?

that’s rap stanley

stanley by name, stanley by nature
stanley at the back gate lookin’ straight at ya
gassy n’flatulent
postures extravagant
an actual
who-gives-a-shit hound
king o’not much but lounging around
or lying flat out like a rug on the ground
making noises that sound
grammatically incompatible
with yer average hound
enough dog love to make the world go round

are ya gettin’ it clearly?
do you see him sincerely?

rap stanley

it’s stanley with an S T jes’ like a saint
but trust me when I tell ya a saint he ‘ain’t
his breath bad enough to bubble up paint
or make the rudest, roughest street vet faint

that’s stanley not stan lee
a man who apparently
came up with the whole goddamn marvel family
personal favourite? bony stark
yeah? he built this suit that flies and barks
and rescues squirrels over the park

yeah / uh / yeah

he eats at speed
he’s a leader on the lead
leg-lifting, super-grifting guaranteed
the gap-tooth guru of a canine cult
where you pay in bags of treats to consult
on all kindsa mystical matters occult
and give yer undying love as a result

man that stan can whine and bluff
all sneezy with dust and chesty with huffs
the kinda mutt the judges at crufts
recommend you end and maybe have stuffed
tie up his raggy ol’ hair in tufts
put his paws on wheels
so you can drag him round fields
or wherever you feel
dog shows, promos
who knows
a stanley stand with cute dog logos
five pound a pop for personal photos

‘cos he’s a bona fide
every day’s a friday
jump up on the sofa and kiss your blues goodbye day
a genuine, goddamn wolverine hero
stanley 10, all the others zero
sweeter than sweet n’low, madder than nero
trickier than the riddler
sings like mariah, maybe bette midler
so if you think you hate dogs woncha reconsider
‘cos as rescues go this mutt’s a winner

that’s rap stanley

allow it

rap stanley

uh uh
uh uh
a tisket a tasket
we gonna need a bigger basket
if you gotta question why’nt you ask it
the times they are a changin’
an’ it may seem strange
but I ain’t complainin’
all you gotta do is hang on n’ wait
it gives us time to set a few things straight
these paws are sore n’this tail ain’t great
an’ if you a rescue too I’m sure you relate
I served my time in the county pound
on the ground
while all around
the lost n’found
jump up n’down
barkin’ on about
the shit they shot
the christmas ribbon that time forgot
some poor lil’ street pooch
stuck in a handbag by an insta douche
hey – you want some a’this tripe stick?
I use it a lot, man – it’s pretty good shit
uh uh
what can I say?
it’s like eminem and dr dre
in a note they wrote to the RSPCA
it say
yo Stanley
you and me man we’re family
we gonna bust you out outstandingly
you hearing me?
while the pugs go woof
and the power chihuahuas all lift the roof
but me I lie low an’ I suck a bad toof
cos’ I’m sick n’tired of feelin’ the truth
it’s like that ol’ poodle say
damned right tomorrow’s another dog day
they’s only so much kibble
a street dog can nibble
‘fore he barks his trouble
out across the land
out of paw n’ out of hand
so whaddya say about that?
uh uh uh
at the risk of soundin’ sloppy
I ‘ain’t no lil’ puppy
I cut my teeth on the streets
I lost my bark in san francisco
that ‘ain’t how this sorry lil’ rescue goes
in my line o’ work it’s paws not toes
it’s winter through the bars and yer claws half froze
full disclosure:
I’m not the lurcher gonna hurcher
so come rub these ribs
you’ll see why I’m always lickin’ yoghurt lids
so c’mon – take me down
I’ll follow you round town
‘cos you saved my tail from the city pound
hell – I’m your biggest fan
I’ll be the baddest boy in the Clay-Ton Clan
uh huh
thas’ right
I wanna sleep safe on yo sofa tonight
I wanna eat nuff kibble
to stay outta trouble
and keep my limbs nice n’supple
wi’ the Omega 3
you gotta fork that bad boy in for me
to make my fur pure luxury
so yo’ – go ahead – take a picture
this lurcher’ll let ya
I’ll never forget ya
I’m Stanley – yo – how d’you do
now fetch me a tripe stick ‘fore I gnaw YOU

scrappy rap rant

I suppose it helps you don’t owe me / and I like it at the bottom with nothing below me / but hey – it’s okay / I’m finally dealing with this shit today / the mice are playing while the cat’s away / on some kinda retreat to work on his health / something about freeing the mouse in himself / something like that / something about a cat / anyway / hey / I’m fine most of the time / a scream and a wild front crawl / from the foaming rocks at the edge of the falls / but look – I’m not worried at all / I’m a cool-arsed original / I’m the swinging restaurant in the gondola beneath the flaming dirigible / I’m that cute but fatally defective detective / the chinless chump who never gets it / I’m that violin guy playing with brio / in that trio / on the titanic / who didn’t panic / but played on amongst all the scheming & the screaming / the flares / the desperate fights on the stairs / till the atlantic finally rushed up / and his stradivarius got smashed up / and he went floating off / with the rest of the flotsam & jetsom from steerage / (and not much in the way of peerage) / all the way to Newfoundland / him & the rest of the icy band / is that reasonable? / have I said something treasonable? / I suppose what I wanted to say is / It’s always safer to go where the money is / I’m as mercenary as the rest / I’m the wad of dirty notes in the kevlar vest / I’m the bastard son of Eastwood, Statham & Van Damme / I’m a fickle motherfucker who never gave a good goddamn / I’m the red light, the Don’t Walk, the stop / I’m the bloody nightstick in the belt of the whistling cop / but don’t judge me / okay? / I’m not feeling so great today / it’s true / would i lie to you? / okay – would I lie to you AGAIN? / still friends? / muchas gracias, finito, the end / it’s important to know where you stand / watching life on demand / with a raised right hand / for some fancy oath / you don’t understand / just don’t follow me / see? / I’m made up / I’m sponsored, pocketed, paid up / I’m a shoe-in for the sham brigade / I’m a stand-in / glad-handin’ for the president’s parade / the aristocrat in the kiss-me-quick hat / on the steps of L’Hotel Fantôme at Cap Ferrat / smiling, of course / horsey as a goddam powerboat / so, tell me, have I got your vote? / no? / I thought you’d be more impressed / the old school tie, the trouser press? / I thought you’d learned to be content / working for the government / dreaming of approval / a final, slick, anaesthetised removal / and writing? / don’t get me started / it’ll leave you hungry and broken-hearted / it’s like feeding cheese to a bony cat / that doesn’t get fatter but keeps coming back / or put it this way / okay? / you say what you want to say and if you’re lucky you live to fight another day / and if you don’t / well – it’s life, Jim / but not as we know it / a misquoted line with Nimoy’s name below it / but hey – never let a fake quotation stand in the way / of saying what you never meant to say

good day