one two / one two
uh, uh

yeah

c’mon all you people an’ listen to me
while I tell you the news ‘bout dog stanley
his tail super-fail, his ears all tangly
long n’gangly
as big dogs go not exactly
manly
y’understan’ me?

that’s rap stanley
yeah

stanley by name, stanley by nature
stanley at the back gate lookin’ straight at ya
gassy n’flatulent
postures extravagant
an actual
contractual
who-gives-a-shit hound
king o’not much but lounging around
or lying flat out like a rug on the ground
making noises that sound
grammatically incompatible
with yer average hound
enough dog love to make the world go round

are ya gettin’ it clearly?
do you see him sincerely?

rap stanley
yeah

it’s stanley with an S T jes’ like a saint
but trust me when I tell ya a saint he ‘ain’t
his breath bad enough to bubble up paint
or make the rudest, roughest street vet faint

that’s stanley not stan lee
a man who apparently
came up with the whole goddamn marvel family
personal favourite? bony stark
yeah? he built this suit that flies and barks
and rescues squirrels over the park

yeah / uh / yeah

he eats at speed
he’s a leader on the lead
leg-lifting, super-grifting guaranteed
the gap-tooth guru of a canine cult
where you pay in bags of treats to consult
on all kindsa mystical matters occult
and give yer undying love as a result

man that stan can whine and bluff
all sneezy with dust and chesty with huffs
the kinda mutt the judges at crufts
recommend you end and maybe have stuffed
tie up his raggy ol’ hair in tufts
put his paws on wheels
so you can drag him round fields
or wherever you feel
dog shows, promos
who knows
a stanley stand with cute dog logos
five pound a pop for personal photos

‘cos he’s a bona fide
every day’s a friday
jump up on the sofa and kiss your blues goodbye day
a genuine, goddamn wolverine hero
stanley 10, all the others zero
sweeter than sweet n’low, madder than nero
trickier than the riddler
sings like mariah, maybe bette midler
so if you think you hate dogs woncha reconsider
‘cos as rescues go this mutt’s a winner

that’s rap stanley
yeah
yeah
uh

allow it