prayer 2.0
religion
whaddya think
god only knows
McJesus
hell no
god knockers
A Jehovah’s Witness visited
and though our interest was limited
she politely insisted
on leaving a leaflet
so we could take time and study it
the leaflet was called:
Should You Believe in a Creator? You Decide
with a picture of people on a mountainside
looking up at the milky way
which looked a bit photoshopped but that’s okay
it’s not easy getting a shot like that
especially when you live in a flat
anyway
the JW was okay
seemed friendly
complimentary
(I’m sorry to say we denied her entry)
later I skimmed it
would’ve binned it
rejected it
if the JW wasn’t coming back and expected it
but I did like some of the leaflet photos
like this woman caught in a thinking pose
between someone holding a big black Bible
and someone else with a DNA spiral
with chapter headings like:
What Scientists Cannot Tell Us
or
How Can You Decide?
or
Examine the Evidence
with pictures of comically cosmic events
like lava spilling out of vents
or Adam and Eve in a line with rhinos
(suspiciously CIS but what do I know)
I think the basic thrust of it was
there HAD to be a Creator because
there was such a variety of squids and plants
and things like ants couldn’t happen by chance
all this complexity from one big bang?
the natural world from a perfect blank?
nothing comes from nothing as Shakespeare said
(and would say a lot more but he’s currently dead)
there MUST be a God
atheists are crazy, downright odd
but you see
it seems to me
that whale in the picture doesn’t have a notion
how it came to be arsing about in the ocean
it lives its whole whale life quite innocent
of only eating krill as a heavenly instrument
to the glory of some beardy bloke
who harvests devotion but hates god jokes
so I’m sorry JW, it’s a no from me
to the question you asked so pleasantly
doing your best
on your door-to-door quest
to leaflet and illuminate us
making sense of our place in the universe
but honestly? I find your rubric stifling
(do you want it back or shall I put it in recycling?)
a debate about religion with a friend conveniently called Kevin
when an atheist dies
that’s all folks
one day alive
the next day croaks
when a priest dies
they think it’s a bridge
to harps n’wings
from a mortuary fridge
so (to summarise):
on the one hand, NOTHING
on the other, SOMETHING
(NOTHING being a lack of TO and FRO
hard to imagine but there you go)
but here’s the thing about NOTHING or HEAVEN:
maybe they’re the same thing, Kevin
if it’s heaven – great – you get to float
play with God and generally gloat
it it’s nothing – you don’t know a thing about it
and you don’t get a chance to crow about it
in other words
you die – wow – a heavenly show
or you die – there’s nothing – but you don’t know
so you wouldn’t know there WASN’T a heaven
– is any of this making sense to you, Kevin?
does that mean you should hedge your bets
cross yourself and genuflect?
when you see a church door, should you go through it?
nope – sorry, mate – still can’t do it
a vauxhall state of mind
I’m sorry but THERE IS NO GOD
and you’d have to say
if there WAS, day to day
they’re doing a pretty terrible job
war, famine, cruelty, fennel
disease, deception
the film inception
having to put your dog in the kennel
why? why go to all that trouble
making sadness and suffering
bad teeth and buffering
from an eternity of inert but happy rubble?
just to have people who’ll tremble & praise them?
legions of clerics, holymen, priests
shamans in hats and fancy briefs
all terrified you won’t save them?
jeez. it’s like some kind of celestial baby
playing with armies
tornadoes, tsunamis
just ‘cos they’re bored and going crazy
there’s no such thing as an atheist in a fox hole
you say, looking smug
is that a fact? (smile / sigh / shrug)
well apparently not if you were born in Vauxhall
the rapture
I met him in an empty house
his wife had died last May
now he’s got cancer of the mouth
refusing treatment they say
do you have faith he asked me straight
I said I’m sorry no
he asked how I live in such a state
with nowhere for my soul to go
he told me the tale of a man who died
his wife knelt down to pray
and when the ambulance stopped outside
the man was quite okay
‘all of it perfectly documented
the miraculous power of prayer’
he asked if I was interested
I said I was, to be fair
‘the rapture is almost upon us!’ he said
Jesus is close at hand!
don’t be one of those left for dead!
ascend to the promised land!
when the end times finally come
the sinful will lament
as the saved all rise in number
roughly ten percent’
I wanted to hear him answer
why God had to be so rough
why God had given him cancer
but I wasn’t brave enough
whatever brings you serenity
stories of a fierce dictator
or surrendering your identity
and falling back into nature
whatever. it’s all just weaving
working the warp and the weft
I said we’d be back next evening
shook his hand warmly and left
status update XXXV
And Jesus sayeth unto the flock / supper’s ready at three o’clock / I scored some bread and a coupla fishes / more than enough for you hungry ass bitches / while upstairs God just thunders and twitches / bustin’ His voluminous, numinous britches / watching His sin plan’s galling glitches / His one overriding concern, which is / humans can’t see they’re blessed with riches / and He’ll need a big gesture to cross those bridges
Hark the business angels sing / business skills and marketing / receipts on earth and surveys mild / cloud-based data’s really wild
I’m social media influenza / in need of a Soul n’Soap dispenza
I’m a robot shivering with a dose of the shits / a box of screws and a bucket of bits
I’m a monster from The United Strays of America / a tweeting, TV ready chimaera / one part Trump, one Bagheera / slowly & steadily creeping nearer / roaring, tweeting, speaking, hidin’ / on the trail of Old King Biden
I’m a Netflix doc about psycho preachers / on the run for eating their teachers / slick in beanies, suits & boots / Al Pacino and Imogen Poots
I’m Elon Musk with a gaping beak / blue for you and ready to tweet / this freedom shit’s so cool and neat / especially if our great minds meet / but if they don’t delete delete
Hey! Hieronymous! How’re ya doin? / is your garden ready for viewin’? / what the hell, man – this stuff’s deranged / we always thought you were kinda strange / but we hoped you’d be a little more simpatico / all we wanted was a bougie patio
I’m an alien megabrain sucking its teeth / watching its craft as they depart underneath / we’ve been studying your planet and friends – to be brief / your lack of insight gives us grief / so accept this mission as an aperitif / to the crap that’ll happen if you don’t improve, chief
I’m Eastwood, Siegel, Heston, Bronson / a bullet clip and a packet of gum / bumper stickers: I love my mum / The Second Amendment thy will be done / my pickup truck thy diesel come / trespass forgiven now go ahead, run / Texas Rangers rule of thumb: / if it bleeds, man – I’m gettin’ me some
I’m Putin, Trump and Bolsonaro / caped on horses with bows and arrows / hard hearts closed and cold eyes narrowed / veins of poison threading their marrow / ready to shoot the teensiest sparrow / for daring to hope for a better tomorrow
it’s just like my dear ol’ grandma reckoned / there’s many a slip twixt cup and armageddon
jim clayton 