hell no
religion
god knockers
A Jehovah’s Witness visited
and though our interest was limited
she politely insisted
on leaving a leaflet
so we could take time and study it
the leaflet was called:
Should You Believe in a Creator? You Decide
with a picture of people on a mountainside
looking up at the milky way
which looked a bit photoshopped but that’s okay
it’s not easy getting a shot like that
especially when you live in a flat
anyway
the JW was okay
seemed friendly
complimentary
(I’m sorry to say we denied her entry)
later I skimmed it
would’ve binned it
rejected it
if the JW wasn’t coming back and expected it
but I did like some of the leaflet photos
like this woman caught in a thinking pose
between someone holding a big black Bible
and someone else with a DNA spiral
with chapter headings like:
What Scientists Cannot Tell Us
or
How Can You Decide?
or
Examine the Evidence
with pictures of comically cosmic events
like lava spilling out of vents
or Adam and Eve in a line with rhinos
(suspiciously CIS but what do I know)
I think the basic thrust of it was
there HAD to be a Creator because
there was such a variety of squids and plants
and things like ants couldn’t happen by chance
all this complexity from one big bang?
the natural world from a perfect blank?
nothing comes from nothing as Shakespeare said
(and would say a lot more but he’s currently dead)
there MUST be a God
atheists are crazy, downright odd
but you see
it seems to me
that whale in the picture doesn’t have a notion
how it came to be arsing about in the ocean
it lives its whole whale life quite innocent
of only eating krill as a heavenly instrument
to the glory of some beardy bloke
who harvests devotion but hates god jokes
so I’m sorry JW, it’s a no from me
to the question you asked so pleasantly
doing your best
on your door-to-door quest
to leaflet and illuminate us
making sense of our place in the universe
but honestly? I find your rubric stifling
(do you want it back or shall I put it in recycling?)
a debate about religion with a friend conveniently called Kevin
when an atheist dies
that’s all folks
one day alive
the next day croaks
when a priest dies
they think it’s a bridge
to harps n’wings
from a mortuary fridge
so (to summarise):
on the one hand, NOTHING
on the other, SOMETHING
(NOTHING being a lack of TO and FRO
hard to imagine but there you go)
but here’s the thing about NOTHING or HEAVEN:
maybe they’re the same thing, Kevin
if it’s heaven – great – you get to float
play with God and generally gloat
it it’s nothing – you don’t know a thing about it
and you don’t get a chance to crow about it
in other words
you die – wow – a heavenly show
or you die – there’s nothing – but you don’t know
so you wouldn’t know there WASN’T a heaven
– is any of this making sense to you, Kevin?
does that mean you should hedge your bets
cross yourself and genuflect?
when you see a church door, should you go through it?
nope – sorry, mate – still can’t do it
a vauxhall state of mind
I’m sorry but THERE IS NO GOD
and you’d have to say
if there WAS, day to day
they’re doing a pretty terrible job
war, famine, cruelty, fennel
disease, deception
the film inception
having to put your dog in the kennel
why? why go to all that trouble
making sadness and suffering
bad teeth and buffering
from an eternity of inert but happy rubble?
just to have people who’ll tremble & praise them?
legions of clerics, holymen, priests
shamans in hats and fancy briefs
all terrified you won’t save them?
jeez. it’s like some kind of celestial baby
playing with armies
tornadoes, tsunamis
just ‘cos they’re bored and going crazy
there’s no such thing as an atheist in a fox hole
you say, looking smug
is that a fact? (smile / sigh / shrug)
well apparently not if you were born in Vauxhall
the rapture
I met him in an empty house
his wife had died last May
now he’s got cancer of the mouth
refusing treatment they say
do you have faith he asked me straight
I said I’m sorry no
he asked how I live in such a state
with nowhere for my soul to go
he told me the tale of a man who died
his wife knelt down to pray
and when the ambulance stopped outside
the man was quite okay
‘all of it perfectly documented
the miraculous power of prayer’
he asked if I was interested
I said I was, to be fair
‘the rapture is almost upon us!’ he said
Jesus is close at hand!
don’t be one of those left for dead!
ascend to the promised land!
when the end times finally come
the sinful will lament
as the saved all rise in number
roughly ten percent’
I wanted to hear him answer
why God had to be so rough
why God had given him cancer
but I wasn’t brave enough
whatever brings you serenity
stories of a fierce dictator
or surrendering your identity
and falling back into nature
whatever. it’s all just weaving
working the warp and the weft
I said we’d be back next evening
shook his hand warmly and left
status update XXXV
And Jesus sayeth unto the flock / supper’s ready at three o’clock / I scored some bread and a coupla fishes / more than enough for you hungry ass bitches / while upstairs God just thunders and twitches / bustin’ His voluminous, numinous britches / watching His sin plan’s galling glitches / His one overriding concern, which is / humans can’t see they’re blessed with riches / and He’ll need a big gesture to cross those bridges
Hark the business angels sing / business skills and marketing / receipts on earth and surveys mild / cloud-based data’s really wild
I’m social media influenza / in need of a Soul n’Soap dispenza
I’m a robot shivering with a dose of the shits / a box of screws and a bucket of bits
I’m a monster from The United Strays of America / a tweeting, TV ready chimaera / one part Trump, one Bagheera / slowly & steadily creeping nearer / roaring, tweeting, speaking, hidin’ / on the trail of Old King Biden
I’m a Netflix doc about psycho preachers / on the run for eating their teachers / slick in beanies, suits & boots / Al Pacino and Imogen Poots
I’m Elon Musk with a gaping beak / blue for you and ready to tweet / this freedom shit’s so cool and neat / especially if our great minds meet / but if they don’t delete delete
Hey! Hieronymous! How’re ya doin? / is your garden ready for viewin’? / what the hell, man – this stuff’s deranged / we always thought you were kinda strange / but we hoped you’d be a little more simpatico / all we wanted was a bougie patio
I’m an alien megabrain sucking its teeth / watching its craft as they depart underneath / we’ve been studying your planet and friends – to be brief / your lack of insight gives us grief / so accept this mission as an aperitif / to the crap that’ll happen if you don’t improve, chief
I’m Eastwood, Siegel, Heston, Bronson / a bullet clip and a packet of gum / bumper stickers: I love my mum / The Second Amendment thy will be done / my pickup truck thy diesel come / trespass forgiven now go ahead, run / Texas Rangers rule of thumb: / if it bleeds, man – I’m gettin’ me some
I’m Putin, Trump and Bolsonaro / caped on horses with bows and arrows / hard hearts closed and cold eyes narrowed / veins of poison threading their marrow / ready to shoot the teensiest sparrow / for daring to hope for a better tomorrow
it’s just like my dear ol’ grandma reckoned / there’s many a slip twixt cup and armageddon
he knows you’re waiting
it must be tough being God
I can’t think of a less attractive job
it couldn’t be worse
having to be everywhere in the universe
from a learner driver reversing
and cursing
to a nervous nurse
rehearsing
what she plans to say
when she comes up before the board that day
from a butcher slicing his fingers with the salami
to a village getting flattened by a tsunami
the demands are endless
all the people pretty much defenceless
so much of it senseless
or is it?
I don’t know – He doesn’t do many personal visits
but the thing that makes it all so exquisite
when you pray, God doesn’t go Oh Jesus Christ NOW what is It?
because the guy’s complicit
He KNEW those planes were headed for Manhattan
He KNEW when the towers went up they were gonna get flattened
but he’s contractually obliged
to let the planes fly
and not guide
them to a better place
even though his superpowers are supposedly ace
and he could’ve easily done it and not lost face
so in case
you’re wondering
why He keeps blundering
klutzing around the place, flooding and thundering
leaving people in the lurch
to the point you wonder why they go to church
it’s because (apparently) He gave them Free Will
which is fine until
you find this God of Love
is more than happy to shove
any who die and come to dwell
with Him and his high-end clientele
heads down heels up straight to Hell
okay great thanks
you just got pranked
Free Will definitely shooting blanks
But God moves in a mysterious way, His wonders to perform
from carcinomas to slugs on the lawn
maybe that’s why He’s permanently distracted
and so damned hard to be personally contacted
maybe he needs more angels on the desk
because I have to say His PR’s grotesque
it’s hard to be desperate, patient AND virtuous
when all you get is ‘please hold – your prayer is important to us’
creation myth
In the Beginning
was The Bird
but Her feathers were thinning
and The Bird felt cursed
It couldn’t be worse
She was the only Bird in the Universe
So She swallowed a star
and laid an egg
and hatched The Jaguar
and grabbed His leg
and tossed Him out the nest
(She expected a chick and wasn’t impressed)
The Jaguar roared
and vomited humans
which I’m reliably assured
was the REAL evolution
and goes some way to explain the confusion
but I’ll let you reach your own conclusion
probably best not push it
well – good!
so there IS a god
which being an atheist I find quite odd
but happily
She covers my faux pas tactfully
fundamentally matter-of-factly
in many ways actually
for a deity
She’s pretty understanding
doesn’t go in for growling and grandstanding
all that severely bearded fierceness
all that begat this and that weirdness
all that mad muscular masculine business
no – She’s better than that
She’s great with horses, ferns, cats
plate tectonics, stuff like that
knows a river delta from a bedding plane
the ins and outs of a semi-permeable membrane
a cos lettuce from a romaine
a cell phone from cellophane
I mean pretty much generally
you’d have to say academically
She’s highly advanced
happy to give things a second chance
although humans
I’m assuming
are pushing it
there’s only so much She can do to cushion it
before She sighs, shrugs, flushes the tubes
pulls another Chicxulub
(the crater’s there though you’d hardly know it
still – it capped things off in the Cenozoic)
a few helpful lines on death
Death is a Big Bargain Bucket O’Nuffin
an Interplanetary Egg Mcmuffin
without the Egg
just an infinity of empty bun instead
When you look at a pigeon
do you ever wonder what religion
it has, or hasn’t?
or if religion is entirely absent
in fowl?
and how’ll
you cope
if you get to the pearly gates and ask if they have any birds in there and they say nope?
the fact is
death as an act is
entirely passive
but the overall impact is massive
because really it’s everything
and nothing
all at once
and comes at a person on multiple fronts
from the holiest saints to the most unutterable non-saintly characters
if anyone ever frowns, looks me in the eye
and asks what I think happens when you die
I sigh
and try
to look confident
say I’m not hindu or muslim or protestant
but just a plain ol’ human kinda animal
admittedly particularly cute and adaptable
outward looking, international
but for all this, just a humble ol’ organism
suffering from a dose of cellular determinism
trying to make sense of being alive
and doing okay before I die
But you haven’t answered my question!
you shout in my general direction
your face red with congestion
(try breathing exercises is my suggestion)
so to recap
before I get knee-capped
I think death
is more than just a clinical absence of breath
no – that’s just the physical
it might help to imagine the umbilical
cord
stretching toward
you
from the infinite womb
of Gaia, I presume
(which is to say
That Infinite Thing that brought you here today)
In other words, the Great Fertile Nothing
you got popped outta that day with a whole lotta huffing
THAT’S where you’ll be heading
the opposite of begetting
which shouldn’t be upsetting
because it’s the norm
a return to the YOU before YOU were born
i.e. Nowhere
which is only fair
because if everyone went and lived forever
we’d be jammed up with clouds and harps and whatever
Religion? – I get it
but in my case forget it
I’ll live my life and do my best
then dive in the void for a nice long rest
jim clayton 