superheroes

ikeavengers assemble

~ jim clayton ~ Leave a comment

Sliderman
does whatever a sliderman can
while still wearing socks
but moved on from crocs
bought them off Etsy
seriously expects he
looks hygge and sexy
squeaking off to answer the door
lime green rubber on laminate floor

Supermarketman
pushes a trolley and parks it man
antisocially across the row
so HE can easily shop n’go
while other shoppers mutter n’curse
and wave their fists and go in reverse
struggling to get to the chiller desserts
thinking they might
just toss the tosser some kryptonite

Thaw
wrenches open the freezer door
flails about in a furious manner
bashes away with a big claw hammer
clunking out hunks
of ice in chunks
pies n’burgers expired a month
soaked to his crocs
roaring it’s worse than Ragnarok

MCU latest

~ jim clayton ~ Leave a comment

The Hulk
lost a lot of bulk
on Noom
now he’s the rangiest superhero in the room
finally his pants fit
but please don’t mention it
you’ll only make him hangry
and you wouldn’t want that, frankly

Iron Man
cut himself on a tin can
got infected
the wound went undetected
and when Pepper Potts
finally got round to giving him shots
she found the damage way too frightening
so she packed him off for recycling

Dr Strange
went through the change
got hot flushes
wore his collar high to hide his blushes
went weepy walkabout
whenever he overheard the others talk about
his magical Cloak of Levitation
why SHOULDN’T he wear it to every occasion?

Spiderman
went absolutely hyper, man
flat out flipped
totally lost his grip
finally got squished
by a freelance entomologist
who posed for the national dailies outside
with a mask, a net and a can of insecticide

Thor
felt increasingly sore
sent his trusty Mjolnir
away for a smear
got a call from the lab
confirming what he guessed he had
a bad case of metal fatigue
he’d caught off someone in the Justice League

basically superman

~ jim clayton ~ Leave a comment

I’m Batter Man / my pancakes are dark and brutally, butterly fantancakes

I’m Ironing Man / lethal with a Tefal

I’m SpiderMan / I pick them up with my goddamn HANDS…

I’m Captain America / I really like America / I mean / just ‘cos Trump’s the de facto queen / and he’s always on Twitter venting his spleen / and his administration’s a malign machine / for monetising the American dream / and the Statue of Liberty’s on Sertraline / and the Bill of Rights / set alight / and tossed in a ravine / still, I love their films, books, paintings and music / so these days I’m feeling a little confusic

I’m Doctor String / because string’s an incredibly useful thing / you can tie up the roses / or really anything / that keeps swinging / open instead of closing / for parcels and packets / and a hundred other postal rackets

I’m the Incredible Bulk / not as slim of late / carrying a little holiday weight

I’m Woolverine / I prefer wool because it feels nice against my skin

I’m Pant Man / I iron my PANTS (see Ironing Man)

I’m basically SupermanIMG_0796