Vampire FAQs

Vampires have been around
since late last night
they sleep underground
and when the moon’s just right
they spring from their coffins and nip out for a bite

Vampires leave no reflection
are allergic to garlic
are prone to blood borne infections
and many are alcoholic
(but their love of red wine is purely symbolic)

Vampires can be neutralised by sunlight
blessed water, sacramental wafers
a sexton’s spade is also good in a fight
but if you really want to enrage their natures
spray them with a can of holy vapours

Vampires are fashionable
they love to look smart
although capes can be questionable
it gets them in the part
and denim to them is like a stake through the heart

interview with a magician (dec’d)

Please – do help yourself to a candle
Set it up there with the others on the mantle
Ah! That’s better!
Thank you SO much for your letter
I thought it was SUCH an elegant script
that you quietly and enterprisingly slipped
beneath the door of my humble crypt

Yes! My career took an unorthodox trajectory
from that first little nibble in the eighteenth century
I thought nothing of it
it was nice; didn’t LOVE it
but the chap was a persistent so-and-so
and as I didn’t have garlic or a crucifix, you know
I suppose you could say my resistance was low

And then I too started wandering at night
in a powdered wig and a blouse of white
which wasn’t much good
as it showed the blood
but I built a collection of capes and hats
that gave me a little nocturnal pizazz
like one of those marvelous, giant bats

I learned pretty soon to be circumspect
and limit the number of people I pecked
but you know what it’s like
when appetite strikes
and you fight with your conscience but cannot resist
a nice fat neck or a juicy wrist
so that would be ANOTHER town struck off my list

I needed a job that would give me some cover
for the derangement of blood I was acting under
because you wouldn’t get far
with a card that said Vampire
so instead I opted for Vlad the Magician
which seemed to give me the most permission
to be up to no good in the intermission

And I played every venue from Carlisle to Harwich
And even had several offers of marriage
which as you can guess
were not a success
because dash it all – every fifty years or so
I’d have to find some excuse to go
because the age gap would really be starting to show

And there you have it – from the vampire’s mouth!
But goodness me! The candle’s gone out!
Be careful not to slip
In my cluttered little crypt
And oh! How the mist piles up like smoke!
I’m SO glad you dug me up and we spoke
Come let me wrap you in my nice warm cloak…

dying on stage

I used to be a vampire but I lost the cloak
now I’m just an ordinary bloke
doomed to wander the supermarket aisles
in motorhead t-shirt and denim disguise
flashing the cashiers pointy smiles

it’s so frustrating
my undead heart is breaking
dying was my living
and real life’s just too grave and unforgiving

but it’s like my dear old mother said
when I disinterred her from the shed
if you’ve got an advantage, son – work it
so now I make a killing on the chicken-in-a-coffin circuit