Please – do help yourself to a candle
Set it up there with the others on the mantle
Ah! That’s better!
Thank you SO much for your letter
I thought it was SUCH an elegant script
that you quietly and enterprisingly slipped
beneath the door of my humble crypt

Yes! My career took an unorthodox trajectory
from that first little nibble in the eighteenth century
I thought nothing of it
it was nice; didn’t LOVE it
but the chap was a persistent so-and-so
and as I didn’t have garlic or a crucifix, you know
I suppose you could say my resistance was low

And then I too started wandering at night
in a powdered wig and a blouse of white
which wasn’t much good
as it showed the blood
but I built a collection of capes and hats
that gave me a little nocturnal pizazz
like one of those marvelous, giant bats

I learned pretty soon to be circumspect
and limit the number of people I pecked
but you know what it’s like
when appetite strikes
and you fight with your conscience but cannot resist
a nice fat neck or a juicy wrist
so that would be ANOTHER town struck off my list

I needed a job that would give me some cover
for the derangement of blood I was acting under
because you wouldn’t get far
with a card that said Vampire
so instead I opted for Vlad the Magician
which seemed to give me the most permission
to be up to no good in the intermission

And I played every venue from Carlisle to Harwich
And even had several offers of marriage
which as you can guess
were not a success
because dash it all – every fifty years or so
I’d have to find some excuse to go
because the age gap would really be starting to show

And there you have it – from the vampire’s mouth!
But goodness me! The candle’s gone out!
Be careful not to slip
In my cluttered little crypt
And oh! How the mist piles up like smoke!
I’m SO glad you dug me up and we spoke
Come let me wrap you in my nice warm cloak…