pumpkins
halloween
where are they now?
Halloween Skipping Song
happy halloween!
Jim’s gym nightmare
there’s skeletor
on the pelaton
the invisible man
on the resistance band
the thing
on the rings
jabba the hutt
on the pull ups
the lost brain
on the cross trainer
gill man
on the pull down
dracula
on the squat rack
the basilisk
on the weight stack
Imhotep
on the pec deck
the abominable snowman
on some kinda
abdominal programme
T-Rex
in a tick vest
flexing
it’s all so vexxing
I don’t know why I bother with the gym
it’s so full of monsters I can’t get in
every night fright night
Halloween’s been cancelled
the bats have flit
the mummy is saying
her ghouls will be staying
back home in the family crypt
the ghosts are roosting
in shivering clumps
Frankenstein frankly
down in the dumps
the vampires stuck
in the castle cellar
under the floorboards
under the weather
huddled together
with only their thumbs to suck
the golem
is ho hum
lumpishly no fun
the werewolf
nowhere to be found
the killer clown
way outta town
the witch finally ditched
her broom and then hitched
for landings on easier ground
and all because they’d seen the news
the wars and cruelty had them confused
and honestly – what should they do?
they assumed that the humans
were suffering delusions
about monsters and who was who
so save your candy on halloween night
kick your pumpkin and curse
the monsters have quit
and you’d have to admit
they’re right – people are worse
I was a middle-aged zombie
I got bit
by this geezer
over by the supermarket freezer
he looked like shit
chased me round the aisles and would not quit
and I have to admit
I’m not that fit
and unfortunately that was the end of it
now I’m out
in the street
howling at everyone I meet
staggering about
legs all draggy and eyes like a trout
snot from my snout
without the shadow of a doubt
100% zombie or thereabouts
but what’s worse
than the limp
that makes me walk like a monstrous shrimp
or the bloody shirts
or the people in cars who slam in reverse
or the corpses I convert
no – the thing that REALLY hurts
is people still call me an office clerk
Vampire FAQs
Vampires have been around
since late last night
they sleep underground
and when the moon’s just right
they spring from their coffins and nip out for a bite
Vampires leave no reflection
are allergic to garlic
are prone to blood borne infections
and many are alcoholic
(but their love of red wine is purely symbolic)
Vampires can be neutralised by sunlight
blessed water, sacramental wafers
a sexton’s spade is also good in a fight
but if you really want to enrage their natures
spray them with a can of holy vapours
Vampires are fashionable
they love to look smart
although capes can be questionable
it gets them in the part
and denim to them is like a stake through the heart
interview with a magician (dec’d)
Please – do help yourself to a candle
Set it up there with the others on the mantle
Ah! That’s better!
Thank you SO much for your letter
I thought it was SUCH an elegant script
that you quietly and enterprisingly slipped
beneath the door of my humble crypt
Yes! My career took an unorthodox trajectory
from that first little nibble in the eighteenth century
I thought nothing of it
it was nice; didn’t LOVE it
but the chap was a persistent so-and-so
and as I didn’t have garlic or a crucifix, you know
I suppose you could say my resistance was low
And then I too started wandering at night
in a powdered wig and a blouse of white
which wasn’t much good
as it showed the blood
but I built a collection of capes and hats
that gave me a little nocturnal pizazz
like one of those marvelous, giant bats
I learned pretty soon to be circumspect
and limit the number of people I pecked
but you know what it’s like
when appetite strikes
and you fight with your conscience but cannot resist
a nice fat neck or a juicy wrist
so that would be ANOTHER town struck off my list
I needed a job that would give me some cover
for the derangement of blood I was acting under
because you wouldn’t get far
with a card that said Vampire
so instead I opted for Vlad the Magician
which seemed to give me the most permission
to be up to no good in the intermission
And I played every venue from Carlisle to Harwich
And even had several offers of marriage
which as you can guess
were not a success
because dash it all – every fifty years or so
I’d have to find some excuse to go
because the age gap would really be starting to show
And there you have it – from the vampire’s mouth!
But goodness me! The candle’s gone out!
Be careful not to slip
In my cluttered little crypt
And oh! How the mist piles up like smoke!
I’m SO glad you dug me up and we spoke
Come let me wrap you in my nice warm cloak…
